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lani812
Posts: 22
Joined: Jul 2011

omg i cant believe that i just realized that there is a caregivers forum!

my name is lani im 21 years old i work full time and im in my senior year of college. I have always thought of myself as a good person yet i feel like im being punished. When i was 19 years old i witnessed my aunt pass from lymphoma. I was her caretaker for a very short time due to the fact that she hid her cancer from us.

3 months ago my 74 year old grandmother was diagnosed with advanced stage 3 t cell lymphoma. i am her caretaker and this time im fighting this like if i had it. because of her age she was ordered 6 rounds of chemo. one every month.

but after the 1st chemo things have gotten progressively horrible. my grandmother is no longer able to walk on her own. this is a woman that has never been sick before. she can no longer walk alone nor can she pick up a cup of water she has to be spoon feed. the doctor suspects that she is stage four because of how fragile her bones have gotten.
The other day she collapsed in my arms and i wanted to crawl into a corner and cry my eyes out.
i was never given a chance to mourn the death of my aunt that i witnessed because i was taking care of everybody else. i was almost getting there. i just discovered how to look after myself and think about myself and give myself time to mourn her alone... and now this happened and i am back at step one .

i wish that there was more that i can do. im giving this fight everything i got and i feel like its not enough. the woman that read me bedtime stories and thought me how to walk in heels in slowly leaving me and this online forum full of strangers is the only place where i can vent.

i know this is my battle. and im usually strong. but i just have days where i want to be 10 again where i can cry and nobody tells me that i have to stay strong because i hold this family down. i just want for it to be ok for me to cry too.

im angry.
lani

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

Dear Lani,

You have come to the right place and we all know just where you are Im the caregiver to my 58 yr old dad stage Iv Stomach cancer that is ravishing his body like wildfire. I still want to curl up to him and have him reassure me that everything is going to be ok and it's just a horrible nightmare that he has awakened me from. But reality It's not and Im living the nitemare.

But we all are here for you vent. Yell scream cry whatever you need

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Lani and welcome to you and your grandmother. I was a caregiver for my dad. He passed from esophageal cancer in March 2010.The only thing that helped me get through his journey with cancer was my faith in God. The power of prayer helped us tremendously. Do you have a church and a church family you can turn to? Do you have any family near that can help and support you? You are doing the best job you can, and your grandmother knows that. Listen to your grandmother, let her make all of the decisions. Give her the peace she needs. She and you will know when enough is enough. Look at her quality of life. Hang in there and know that we are always here for you.
Tina in Va

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

You are not being punished. You did nothing to bring about your current circumstance except love and care about your grandmother. I am so sorry that you and your grandmother are having to deal with this. Caregiving is a really tough job and I am sorry that you find yourself doing this again at such a young age. First, it's ok to cry even if you need to do it in the shower. Don't try to be too strong. Find someone you can talk with. Come here when you need support. Just take this a day, hour or minute at a time. Ask the doctor to help you find help. You shouldn't try to do this alone. My thoughts are with you. As a grandmother, I can assure you that your grandmother appreciates your care and is very proud of you. Fay

lani812
Posts: 22
Joined: Jul 2011

i have been in the hospital since sunday. things have gotten complicated. pray for me and my loved ones, this might be the end.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

Prayers and hugs. You are a loving granddaughter. Fay

KateNTx
Posts: 39
Joined: May 2011

Praying. I know what you're going through, and it's terrifying.

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1984
Joined: Aug 2011

It's okay to be ten again.
I do it all the time - just ask my niece's children :) and I'm 54.
And soon, I can blame it on "chemo brain".

Sorry you are having to go through all this at such a young age.
Give yourself a break if you can and remember you can't control everything
no matter how strong and willing you are.

Great people here at this site.

Hugs

lani812
Posts: 22
Joined: Jul 2011

i did everything. i followed all the rules. she went to all appointment ikept up with medication and now i sit here being told that all that is left to do is let nature run its course. just wait...
a day a weeek a month only good knows. pray for my family. we need it desperatly
lani.

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Lani, I'm so sorry all this is happening so fast. That's why it's so difficult to process, anyone would be deeply troubled by the suddenness of your grandmother's illness. There will be time for healing later. Right now, just live in the day and for heaven's sake quit beating yourself up.

My mother is very slowly dying of ovarian cancer, after enduring two series of chemo in two years. It has been a battle like no other, and I would not wish it for your grandmother. Getting an early out in this war can be a blessing.

How you and I spend our days may be a lot alike. I fix simple foods. I keep the house crazy clean the way she likes it. I listen to her dissing everyone (but me) when she's feeling crappy, and putting on a great face when she's feeling good. I drive everywhere because she's started having dizzy spells. We will not get on with our lives until this is over, I've tried and it drove me nuts.

Good luck with this day, sweetie. You're not alone.

lani812
Posts: 22
Joined: Jul 2011

i sit here watching struggle to breathe more and more everyday. she told me the end is near and to make sure that i cry because crying is good. my family is being very difficult. my aunts and uncles and especially my mother are in denial. they wait for a miracle. but she told me she doesnt want a miracle. that shes ready to meet her creator. we have been in the hospital for 7 days today. i feel guilty in saying that myself and her have the same wish for the suffering to end. i havent thought about life after this. after i loose my best friend. doctor told me this morning that everything medically possible has been done.

i still cant help but to feel guilty. like there was something different i could have done. i feel like the chemo made it worst. sometimes i feel like we should have just ignored this. i wish i could crawl in a corner and cover my ears so that my family can stop asking me questions and asking me "why"? they arent being fair to me but im so numb that i dnt even care. i want it to be just me and her and i want to walk her to the door and let go of her hand and give her to god.

i feel guilty for wanting this to be over.

waiting,
lani

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