Aug 18, 2011 - 2:35 pm
I just need to talk and let some of this pain out. Sometimes I wonder why things happen. No one said that life was fair, but it has been so cruel and cold to me. I now know exactly what Pink Floyd was singing about in that one song Comfortably Numb. I guess this would be the best way to describe it. I was never close to my mom until her diagnosis of ovarian cancer. My grandparents and now my parents are gone. My kids and I were deprived of my dad and now my kids are deprived from my mom. She can't watch them grow up to see all that they will achieve and become. For Bible believers out here, I can't help but question why me and why did things have to happen the way that they did. There is a saying that says that God don't put no more on you than you can handle. I am not sure anymore if this is true. I am a tough person in general, but this has really kicked my butt. I am just having a hard time coping with this one. I guess I am just really depressed right now. It has not even been a full month yet but it is coming on August 27th then it will be a month. I have been keeping myself very busy. I guess I am just trying to run away from the pain so I don't have to deal with it. Maybe I need to talk to some counselor or something to help me deal with it, but the fact remains that the pain or any guilt I may have will always be there no matter how much medication I would be prescribed, no matter who I talk to, or just dealing with it. There is another old saying that says time heals all wounds but I don't think this is true either. When I talked to my mom's sister she was dragging things up that happened in the past meaning after I worked so hard to put it behind me, I had to face it all over again. Most of the story of my life is filled with tradegy or problems whether I can control it or not. My mom was always there for me and always worried about the kids, me, my sister, and etc. I am going to miss that. She never said verbally how proud she was of me or didn't really say she loved me, but in her own way she let me know by different things she worried about or said. Ex. Anytime she was in the hospital, she was worried about me losing my job because I was there with her or she would say something about the kids which meant alot. I told her don't worry about my job.