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Need to Talk

Karen82
Posts: 35
Joined: Jun 2011

Hello all,

I just need to talk and let some of this pain out. Sometimes I wonder why things happen. No one said that life was fair, but it has been so cruel and cold to me. I now know exactly what Pink Floyd was singing about in that one song Comfortably Numb. I guess this would be the best way to describe it. I was never close to my mom until her diagnosis of ovarian cancer. My grandparents and now my parents are gone. My kids and I were deprived of my dad and now my kids are deprived from my mom. She can't watch them grow up to see all that they will achieve and become. For Bible believers out here, I can't help but question why me and why did things have to happen the way that they did. There is a saying that says that God don't put no more on you than you can handle. I am not sure anymore if this is true. I am a tough person in general, but this has really kicked my butt. I am just having a hard time coping with this one. I guess I am just really depressed right now. It has not even been a full month yet but it is coming on August 27th then it will be a month. I have been keeping myself very busy. I guess I am just trying to run away from the pain so I don't have to deal with it. Maybe I need to talk to some counselor or something to help me deal with it, but the fact remains that the pain or any guilt I may have will always be there no matter how much medication I would be prescribed, no matter who I talk to, or just dealing with it. There is another old saying that says time heals all wounds but I don't think this is true either. When I talked to my mom's sister she was dragging things up that happened in the past meaning after I worked so hard to put it behind me, I had to face it all over again. Most of the story of my life is filled with tradegy or problems whether I can control it or not. My mom was always there for me and always worried about the kids, me, my sister, and etc. I am going to miss that. She never said verbally how proud she was of me or didn't really say she loved me, but in her own way she let me know by different things she worried about or said. Ex. Anytime she was in the hospital, she was worried about me losing my job because I was there with her or she would say something about the kids which meant alot. I told her don't worry about my job.
Considering the circumstances I was going through, if my job would have fired me because my mom was in the hospital or ICU, why would I want to work for that company anyway? That would have been totally heartless of them. I know I still have a few people, but no one now to help me when I am in trouble or run to anymore. I can never go home ever again. Anyway, I wrote enough and my heart is broken and will be for a good while. I forgot, people that think they know me really do not know me at all. I just have been through so much that it isn't even funny. Life is like that for me anyway.

UKLady's picture
UKLady
Posts: 85
Joined: Jan 2011

Karen

I can only share what happened to me- my husband was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer and 7 brain tumors just 12 days after returning from our honeymoon last August. So I understand not only the *why me* but wondering how much a person can take- because I had just emigrated to the USA and given up a decent career. This is not a whine-just telling you a little of my history so you can see I do understand life challenges. My husband Steve died in May,with Hospice at home and up til that point I had no help from his five siblings. So there I was - faced not only with paperwork I had no idea what to do with, also what is going to happen regarding my citizenship, my future etc etc and alone.

Three months on, I have dealt with most of my husbands estate,almost bullying requests from his absent family (their phone numbers are forwarded to voice mail now) and have filed my (lengthy) application with Homeland Security, and only now am I able to stop and really give time to my grief, I have spent so much time in offices these past weeks.

I am saying by sharing this, I think you are expecting too much of yourself, way too soon. I belong to a bereavement group which is a great help to me, because you learn very quickly, you are not alone even in this. I think it took me nearly three weeks just to absorb that Steve really had died to be honest. shock does strange things.

Steve and I had a 7 year relationship- yet I was expected to move on since our wedding day was fairly recent and for most of our marriage I was caregiver not wife.As though time or lack of it had some ratio to depth of feeling! The worst thing is people expecting you to work through your grief to their schedule! You don't say how old you are but you had your mother all of those years- so less than a month to grieve over your loss, seems to me to be rather harsh on yourself.Everyone deals with their loss on their own schedule so please don't feel pressured by other people and I have seen it written here many times- there is no avoiding the grief, you must work on it and through it to heal.Have you thought of not avoiding your grief but avoiding any negative influences for a while until you feel stronger? I see far more of the friends that know I need to *talk it out * with and are patient with me over it -than the ones who are thinking my bereavement is *old news*, because to me it is still terribly raw, though I see some progress in my daily life.

Just my five or ten cents even

My very best wishes to you Karen

Lyndsey

Karen82
Posts: 35
Joined: Jun 2011

I am 29 years old. I lost my dad a few days after my 6th birthday. Lost my mom's mother in March of 2000, my dad's mom on x-mas of 2002 a little before my daughter was born, my grandpa close to Thanksgiving in 2006, and my mom on July 27th. Not to mention my mom had many, many problems being a single mother raising two kids with health problems.
Before my mom died, my best friend's mom died on New Year's Day early in the morning in 2011, my friend commits suicide on May 18, 2011, and I lost my mom on July 27th. Now my great aunt has been diagnosed with colon cancer after beating breast cancer. In the middle of all this time, I have lost other people in my family, but this was more of my direct line. I have a sister whom I am not close to, but we do help each other some. I have my 3 kids and her kids. For as big as my family is, you would not think some of us would be so far apart, but we are very far apart to where most of us don't talk to each other at all. Some family I have. I think this happens though with most families. I do talk to my aunts and a couple of cousins, but that is it.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

Dear Karen
First of all I would like to welcome you to this site. We are always here for you. I was a caregiver for my dad. He passed in March 2010 from esophageal cancer. Wow....in your young 29 years you sure have lost alot of people. My sympathies to you. I must say that I never blamed my dad's cancer or his passing on God. I never questioned this. Cancer is a disease that we as humans all have within our bodies. We as humans cause the cancer to become active through our life styles and eating habits. God is the one who helps us through the journey and at some point cures it, puts it into remission, or brings us home to heaven so we no longer have to suffer or be in any pain. Seek some kind of berevement counseling if you can. Reach out to any friends or try to find a church that can help you. My heart goes out to you, and I will continue to pray for you to find the right path. Keep in touch.
Tina in Va

tanker sgv's picture
tanker sgv
Posts: 128
Joined: Nov 2010

....Or i can view my fu©ked up life of tragedy like this: YOUNG SELF-RELIENT STUD WITH A GLOBAL OUTLOOK,it will be how u choose to view your life that will ease your heartache. I share a similar story of loss; grandparents, parents, aunts& uncle's all gone from my life by age 26, dad died in his 30's, mom in her 40's, the rest by age 62, 95% of all family deaths caused by various cancers. I have a brother (who just evicted me from my home a week after the title was put in his name ...long story) and an aunt who keeps kicking cancers ass(living 1000+ miles away). Lastly i lost a construction sweeping company i started from ground up "Thanks economic downturn"! So I've learned time heals nothing its just the same 9 numbers repeating itself day after day.So heal yourself on your schedule in order not to repeatedly fester in heartache of the same grief. Here's a poem i wrote that helps me every time i read it. "We must not live in the horrors of our past harboring any feeling of regret.Instead gather strength and courge knowing we have survived to live in the reality of today. Boldly standing tall with self-respect in order to present an image of power & pride as we charge into the future without fear of the unknown; for life will be full of loss & hardship. But it is important we do not lose ourselves in that hardship for that would be the greatest loss of all"-(TANK1%ER)

Dorbrad
Posts: 7
Joined: Jan 2012

Im 27 yr old female and just lost my mom whoe was 53. My sisters are bipolar or what ever u call it. No one knows what I'm going thru. Wud like a friend who has gone thru it to

Dorbrad
Posts: 7
Joined: Jan 2012

My mom died nov 25 2011. We always talked and now she's dead.im 27 and no one I know has lost their mom. It is a emptiness I can't explain with words

HeyIHaveCancer
Posts: 2
Joined: Jan 2012

It doesn't go away...

I lost my best friend and boyfriend at 18. He and I connected because of our common cancer diagnosis. I feel like every day is a borrowed day since he lost his battle. I've had people who don't understand why it tears me up to go to bed angry or why I suck at saying goodbye. I just very recently relocated and I don't know a single person where I moved let alone a single person who knows anything about me or my history. I'm working on telling people, and figuring out how to find people who get it. It's been years since his death, but not any amount of time can heal that kind of a hurt.

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I know how you feel because my mom died on December 14, 2011 and my heart is broken into pieces. I won't write a novel but I want to say to you that even though you don't know me I am proud of you for whatever it's worth. I am proud of you that you were with your mom in the hospital or ICU, I am proud of you that you would never work for a company that was not empathetic. I can only imagine what you have been through in life but unfortunately I've had my share. I don't know about the truth behind 'time heals everything' but I do know somehow we get strength. For the past 4 years during my mom's battle with cancer, I cried hysterically many many many days and nights, at work, at home with my kids starring at me. I completely lost it when I saw my mother's last breath and wiped away her tears. I lost it insanely when they lowered the casket - all this to say that I am handling things better lately. Of course I still cry mostly at nights now and the pain of missing her has not subsided one bit but I feel more stronger and I think you will get this strenght as well. I wish you and your kids the best and remember you are their mom and they need you completely. Your kids have been robbed from having their grandma as have mine as they are still quite young but you can keep her memory alive by talking about her. I hope I have not said anything offending, again I wish you the best.

Dorbrad
Posts: 7
Joined: Jan 2012

U lost your mom close to when I lost mine. The heartache is to much and I keep seeing her laying there gasping for breath. I have a six year old who won't have a grandma.

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