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karenbeth's picture
karenbeth
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

I haven't posted in some time; I have lots of thoughts and emotions swirling around in my head, but they don't want to come out. But I do think of you all here who have lost your loved ones and hope you are doing well.

I was dreading the summer; July 4th was my birthday, and the 8th the day Frank was rushed to the hospital and subsequently diagnosed. Last year, I was throwing myself a big pity party in the days before my birthday, I was feeling "old" and dissatisfied, and the night before I wrenched a muscle in my back and spent the next day immobile on the sofa (karma is a boomerang, huh?). We had intended to spend my birthday on a long bike ride with a picnic lunch. It can't help but seem prophetic now--I was so convinced if we didn't go on our bike ride that the summer would end before we ever did. I will never forget how I carried on about not being able to go, and Frank said that we had all summer to ride together. Well, guess what--we didn't. He never got on his bike again.

It would be so easy now to allow myself to sink into self pity. But I am fighting it as much as I can. All I have to do is remember how frustrated he was with me that day and I know that in his memory I have to stay strong. And so I have been, for the most part. I got through July and I visited his family in Atlanta where we scattered some of his ashes, and I'm getting through August. I go to a drop in bereavement support group twice a month. It isn't easy and I've had some breakdowns, and it still feels like simply going through the motions. I miss him every moment of every day and basically, I'm tired of living everyday without him. I wonder what the rest of my life is going to look like. I have no idea.

Peace to you all,
Karen

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Karen,
I know the pain and sadness you are going through. I lost my husband a year ago and sometimes the sadness and loneliness is overwhelming. We too were into bike riding...used to go almost every weekend. Little by little is gets less painful. Still have my days, moments when I feel like my heart is going to break and I miss my old life so much. But this the hand we are dealt and must move forward, not too many other choices.

I think we all have regrets, times we wish we could do over, but we are only human. How about all the good times you two had...sure they out weighed the bad. Who knows what the rest of our lives will be like... I try to think what Terry would say to me if he were able to. I think he would tell me to get on with living...live for the both of us.

Hang in there Karen.

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 5608
Joined: Apr 2009

When someone is lost to us is so very hard to understand the reason as to why. I just lost my Cousin a few days ago and my wife call this morning and said that my uncle passed away last night. I can under my uncle he was 96 but my cousin only made 40 a week ago and left behind two small children and a husband. She suffered so much with her C and fought so hard to live. She will always be remembered by all who loved her.

I am sorry for your lost and know how much Frank must have menthe to you. I try everyday to all I can for my wife and make her life as easy as possible so when I leave she will go on with life with out me. But will remember all the things about me until we meet again in heaven.

Take care
Hondo

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