Aug 08, 2011 - 8:11 am
I haven't posted in some time; I have lots of thoughts and emotions swirling around in my head, but they don't want to come out. But I do think of you all here who have lost your loved ones and hope you are doing well.
I was dreading the summer; July 4th was my birthday, and the 8th the day Frank was rushed to the hospital and subsequently diagnosed. Last year, I was throwing myself a big pity party in the days before my birthday, I was feeling "old" and dissatisfied, and the night before I wrenched a muscle in my back and spent the next day immobile on the sofa (karma is a boomerang, huh?). We had intended to spend my birthday on a long bike ride with a picnic lunch. It can't help but seem prophetic now--I was so convinced if we didn't go on our bike ride that the summer would end before we ever did. I will never forget how I carried on about not being able to go, and Frank said that we had all summer to ride together. Well, guess what--we didn't. He never got on his bike again.
It would be so easy now to allow myself to sink into self pity. But I am fighting it as much as I can. All I have to do is remember how frustrated he was with me that day and I know that in his memory I have to stay strong. And so I have been, for the most part. I got through July and I visited his family in Atlanta where we scattered some of his ashes, and I'm getting through August. I go to a drop in bereavement support group twice a month. It isn't easy and I've had some breakdowns, and it still feels like simply going through the motions. I miss him every moment of every day and basically, I'm tired of living everyday without him. I wonder what the rest of my life is going to look like. I have no idea.
Peace to you all,