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When do I say something? Any advise?

Caligirl3
Posts: 5
Joined: Aug 2011

On Monday I am having a biopsy. It will take 7/10 days for results. Have enlarged uterus, a thick lining, spotting after menopause. Don't know if he thinks I have cancer or just wants to rule it out. My sister died from uterine cancer. My son and husband are cancer survivors. Last year we had to tell him that his dad had cancer right before he went away to college. He was very upset and had a hard time at school. Almost dropped out. I'm not sure if I should tell him anything unless I know i have cancer. I won't get the results before he leaves. Should I tell him I'm having a biopsy? Or do I not say anything and hope it isn't? I don't know what the odds are for or against having it. I don't want to worry him.

maryv1119
Posts: 37
Joined: Jun 2011

Hi Cali,

I think I would wait until you know for sure. Good luck, love, and prayers to you.

Double Whammy's picture
Double Whammy
Posts: 2300
Joined: Jun 2010

I didn't tell my adult kids until we had a plan of action in place. So this was actually after the oncology consults. I knew my biopsy results for several weeks before all the ducks were in order. It wasn't like I was withholding information, I just wanted to give them complete information and not make them worry too many times in a row. They knew nothing prior to my biopsy because it could have been nothing so why worry them. Since I had both endometrial and breast cancers at the same time, I wanted to tell them the sequence of all known upcoming events. Of course, I had to tell them that there would be staging at the surgeries and that it would determine whether any adjuvant treatments would be needed or not. Our kids don't live near, so I followed the phone call with an email with all the information I knew because it's shocking news and I knew they probably wouldn't hear it all. We then kept them posted every step of the way.

Suzanne

daisy366's picture
daisy366
Posts: 1493
Joined: Mar 2009

Cali, I say Consult with your husband & trust your gut on this. You know your son and situation best.

Hope the situation is not serious and all will be well. Blessings to you all. Mary Ann

Caligirl3
Posts: 5
Joined: Aug 2011

Thanks for your response. When my son was diagnosed we didnt tell him till after it was totally confirmed. We needed to get used to the idea too. We told him of his dads cancer when it was confirmed also, and he hadn't left for college yet. I agree that if I have to tell him by phone he wont hear everything. Do you know if they order a biopsy it is because they think you have cancer?

daisy366's picture
daisy366
Posts: 1493
Joined: Mar 2009

my thinking is that they do a biopsy to rule out cancer. When I had lump in my neck a year after treatment, they removed and biopsied it. That's the only way they can be sure.

Fayard's picture
Fayard
Posts: 343
Joined: May 2011

My parents, and most of my family, live in another country.
When I was diagnosed, I did not tell my parents.
I did not want to worry them.

I waited until my mother came to visit last month, and she is still here, to tell her everything. I wanted for her to see me doing well.

Your case is a little different; however, I think you should wait until you have the results of the biopsy.

I am praying it is nothing serious.
Please keep us posted.

Stay optimistic! :)

upsofloating's picture
upsofloating
Posts: 473
Joined: Dec 2009

Every diagnosis of new or recurrence of a cancer for has occurred at particularly stressful times - major health issues of their Dad, his passing, my son living abroad - so I've always waited until I had definitive results rather than suspicions. I didn't want to burden them with the stress of waiting and worrying. However, you know your son best and perhaps the in-person heads-up prior to his being gone could be more important than the possibility of the need for a long-distance phone call --that I hope is not needed.
Annie

Songflower's picture
Songflower
Posts: 632
Joined: Apr 2009

I wait until the biopsy is confirmed before telling adult children. My daughters have made me promise I will tell them everything every step of the way. They have told me it is the only way they can cope. So after diagnosis I tell them about every test, what it says, any change in treatment. They do better this way and feel like they can make better decisions about their own lives too. I also tell my sister and with the rest of the family wait until all the information comes together. I think every family is a little different. Love,Diane

Kaleena's picture
Kaleena
Posts: 1130
Joined: Nov 2009

I did it both ways.

When I was first diagnosed, my three sons were younger (10, 12 & 14). They knew I had surgery (hysterectomy), but it wasn't for cancer. It wasn't until after the pathology came back that they found cancer. I had to have another surgery for staging. At this time, I told the boys it was all female problems (I didn't want them to think they could get it), and it was fine. I was going to tell them when I needed to have treatment, but I was allergic to taxol and ended up on gemzar which didn't cause me to lose my hair. All they every knew was that on Fridays I would be terribly tired and they would let me rest. But it because hard during their physical exams when the doctor would ask if anyone in the family had cancer. It bothered me for a long while.

Anyway, in 2009, I had a positive biopsy and was going to have surgery again. It was this time that I told my sons who were now older. They indicated they always felt we were hiding something. I was glad it was in the open. They are very supportive and we can talk about it.

But you have to do what feels best for you and your family.

My best to you,

Kathy

Caligirl3
Posts: 5
Joined: Aug 2011

Thanks for sharing your stories. I am going to talk to the dr on Monday some more. If he is very sure I do have cancer then I will have to decide. I worry most about telling my son who has had cancer. He had a hard time dealing with his dad's diagnoses. My husband has been very quiet since we found out I have to have the biopsy. My son has picked up on that. As parents we try to protect our kids. Even when they are older. Mine are 21 and 27 year old twins.

kkstef's picture
kkstef
Posts: 706
Joined: May 2008

I believe that kids know when "something is not right"...they can just feel it. So, I believe in being straightforward. Younger kids do not need to know gory details....but something like....Mom is having some tests and although confident that everything will be o.k., I want you to know.

My kids are adults and live far away.....I did tell them as they need to trust that I will be honest with them. I just said that I am having some tests and I will let them know the results.

They KNOW that I will not hide anything from them...but that does not mean that I will share all of my fears, etc.

I know you will make the right decision based on your situation!

Best to you! Karen

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