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is there something wrong with me

Cindy Bear
Posts: 562
Joined: Jul 2009

I lost my mom a little over 2 yrs ago (uterine cancer) and I've been doing well for the most part as have my sisters, rest of family. Her diagnosis came out of nowhere.. stage IV, thought there were little signs and symptoms that her drs. ignored and we naively believed them. Anyhow, every once in awhile, it happened this week again, I'm going along so well, then a feeling of overwhelming sadness, loss and anger washes over me... and I find myself getting very angry.. and thinking some not so nice thoughts.. why my mother, why cancer.. she was only 79. I work with 2 people whose mothers are well into their 90's, my husband's aunt is 91 and can run circles around most 40 yr olds.. a friends mother is 93 ...Shouldn't I be over this funk by now... I thought 2 yrs was like a magic time frame...

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

I have heard of people falling apart many years after the passing of their loved one. Grief is one thing that cannot be hurried, exchanged, or put off. Grief finds its own time and the only way through it, is through it.

Talk to your family doctor about anti-anxiety meds or something to help you sleep if need be. Also see if you can find a bereavement group in your area. Once the flood gates open, it is better to let the flood come than trying to dam it up.

Take your time with this and find your own path through the darkness. I can't promise it will be easy or over soon, but I can promise that you will get through it. One foot in front of the other.

Hugs,
April

Conchal's picture
Conchal
Posts: 42
Joined: Apr 2011

...over 7 years ago (he had a stroke but the drs. discovered a massive tumor while he was in the hospital. He survived one week and I was not near when he departed this earth). For the next few years I would, at times, experience a palpable sense of loss and grief, often coming at unexpected times. The loss of such important people is something we eventually accept, but there is no timetable for when or how such acceptance arrives.

I know it seems unfair, somehow, that we experience such loss...it seems like it was not time for my dad to die, and I often questioned it. I still want to visit with him, and I have also felt his presence when I least expected to feel it. All I can say, Cindy Bear, is that grief must be dealt with, often times for years, it seems. But treasure those memories you have, and eventually, one day, you will have arrived at a new stage of life.

My best to you!

Con

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

There is nothing wrong with you. I lost my husband two years ago in October. He was only 63. I still have times when I feel greater grief. Sometimes it's little things, sometimes big things, and sometimes it just comes out of the blue. It often feels like flashbacks. During those times, my emotions are back where I started early on. I've talked to many others who experience the same thing. I lost my grandfather over 50 years ago. I was only nine. I still feel his loss. One friend said to me that the thing that would be really sad is if we didn't miss our loved one. Take care, Fay

Tracy P
Posts: 7
Joined: Oct 2010

My mom died November 2010 at age 69 from an extremely rare Lymphoma, she was diagnosed and was already in stage IV. I work in a place where old people come in the office all the time and I felt alot of anger, thinking "why why, why, did my mom have to die and these people are well into there 80's". I thought I was handling her death really well except the past 3 months. It's been hard, but I find that it's harder when you your job is bad, or your life just isn't going how you'd like. That's when I really start to get depressed and missing my mom...my confidant. A friend who lost her mom over 3 years ago, has informed me that you never get over it. Not a day goes by that you dont' think of your mom and sometimes you will be angry that she's not there. But other times you'll remember something that only she and you shared and it'll make you smile. Let yourself feel the anger, that's the only way you can move along. Just don't let it become destructive.

Cindy Bear
Posts: 562
Joined: Jul 2009

Thanks everyone. .. It's so wonderful to be able to come here and rant and rage and vent and know that I'm not a terrible person and that other people do understand. It just feels like I'm not so alone in my universe of grief.. Sure I can talk to my family and friends but sometimes I think they're thinking 'Still, what, get over it..." though they don't come out and say it... at least not to my face. But we will soldier on, that's what we'll do. We'll soldier on..
Hugs,
Cindy

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

I don't think life makes sense when it comes to death and age... a baby? a young wife? my husband at 58? my mother at 78? Or 90? Evidently death can happen at anytime. Why does cancer hit half the population and not the other half? How much time do you think you have? Are you fully invested in your immediate family? The only lesson I see here is love, and finding it or keeping it. Are we loving the people we are with, right now? Or do we need to leave and find our own way, loving ourselves to find a new beginning?

Life is funny I think. I am starting to see other people around me as mirrors... reflections, they show me something I need to learn. Either about myself or about my life. My reactions to them must indicate something about myself don't you think?

My hurt and anger over losing my husband and my mother within weeks of each other spills over into all areas of my life. How can I deal with one when I have not dealt with the other? I believe as a population we do not give people time to grieve or the processes they need. If I had my way I would live on a mountain top for one year alone so I could cry, laugh and talk to myself without anyone condemning me. Yes there are days I am very angry, and I shouldn't talk to anyone and yet I have to work with people... I have a job, a house, a family who expect me to behave as normal. But what is normal when I am grieving? To them it was saying goodbye the day he died and that was it, he was no more. To me? I hear his footsteps at night, I see his face in my dreams, I miss his laugh and his sparkling blue eyes.

That's not even talking about the mother that gave birth to me...

Peace to you.

Deb
redesign08.blogspot.com

Cindy Bear
Posts: 562
Joined: Jul 2009

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am sorry for your losses, sorry for all the losses here. I hope I don't come across as someone who thinks she has some kind of monopoly on loss and grief. Nothing is further from the truth. It's just that grief, like cancer, seems to be a very lonely thing. Logically, I know that life isn't fair, there's no rhyme or reason to who or why or when. That's why i get so impatient with myself sometimes. I am not Jewish, but I've heard the Jewish people have a saying, "God gives, God takes". Simple, but there is comfort and wisdom in that.
Hugs ,
Cindy

sokar111
Posts: 1
Joined: Dec 2011

My mom died in August of stage IV pancreatic cancer. The diagnosis came from out of the blue. I lived with and took care of her for the final six months of her life and was the only family member present when she passed. I don't think I will ever be over her death. So I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I heard a grief counselor say that this is the way it happens sometimes - the grieving can go on indefinitely. My mom was 80 when she passed but was as full of life as someone half her age. Her mom lived to be 93 and before my mom was diagnosed with cancer she would often speak wistfully of her own mom even though she had passed years earlier. Point is, I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about when you should stop feeling sad. I deal with it one day at a time. Some days are good but some days are bad.

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