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3-6 months

mcflii's picture
mcflii
Posts: 28
Joined: Mar 2011

The oncologist has told my mom that she has 3-4 months without chemo or 4-6 months with chemo. Which would you choose? She just got out of the hospital with pneumonia, is on oxygen 24/7, pretty exhausted and I am trying my best to get her to do things. So she is getting one of those shoulder packs for her oxygen and they put her back on steroids. I am hoping that will make her feel a bit better so she will go out and try to do things. She won't get a second opinion and won't have anything to do with clinical trials. So that's about it. What to do?

Deb

sleepless in jersey
Posts: 185
Joined: Feb 2011

Im so sorry Deb...Im a caregiver just like you for my Mom as well and that a hard call. I think I would just have to look at the whole picture the 2nd opinion if willing, her over all health, age, her quality etc...and of course talk to Mom what does she want? Im just trying to think what I would do. Im sure you will get friends advice on here that are not caregivers like us with much more advice than me.
I hope the steroids start to make her feel better so she could go out :))
Big Hugs your way Deb...

mcflii's picture
mcflii
Posts: 28
Joined: Mar 2011

I know what she wants but it's just hard to go with it. She has been through sooo much in the past 6 months it's unbelievable. She's 67 and got diabetes, staph infection and now is trying to get over pneumonia. She also has tumors in her lung, brain and now one has popped up in her arm bone. She's sick of it all and I don't blame her and I'm not angry at her for not wanting anymore treatment. I guess I am being a little selfish on my part because I do not want her to die just yet, she's so young!!! But then again I don't want her to suffer anymore either. This whole thing is very hard for me to wrap my head around. I am just hoping to get her out more to the things she wants to do, even if it is just to go to the store, I don't care. It's hard to imagine her not being here anymore!!
Deb

soccerfreaks's picture
soccerfreaks
Posts: 2801
Joined: Sep 2006

...your response above is on point. It is mom's decision, ultimately, and the best you can do is to help her to enjoy her time in the best ways possible, and it sounds like you are doing exactly that.

Your observation that what you want is selfish is also on point. We never want to lose our loved ones (and for this reason above all others I suggest that caregivers have a harder job than survivors, and I am among the latter although I lost my mom to breast cancer), and we want them to try to live through their pain and suffering for us. You hit the nail on the head and it is great that you get it.

Now, the hard part: accepting it :).

I also agree with you that it is important to get mom out and about if she is up for it and amenable to it. The best thing for depression, I think, is to get outside, even if it is to sit on a lawn chair and watch the traffic go by.

Do not consider that mom is leaving tomorrow, though. I visited my mom three times (flew to Dallas, that is, three times, from the east coast) because she was 'dying' only to find her sitting on a lounge by the pool the first two times. Human beings are amazing creatures, strong creatures, it turns out, and do not pass so easily. It was only the third time when I found mom on a gurney in a coma. I was thankful I made those first two trips, and you will be thankful for all of the time spent with mom.

Best wishes to mom and her family in these very trying times.

It seems that you have it figured out, sad as it might be to be right.

Take care, Deb,

Joe

mcflii's picture
mcflii
Posts: 28
Joined: Mar 2011

Wow!! Well said soccer. Thank you for your reply it helps me deeply. You are a great person and very insightful. Thanks again!!
Deb

Hope4Marge's picture
Hope4Marge
Posts: 74
Joined: Jul 2011

is spot on....

I know I will be faced with this point with my Mom - and I will support her no matter her decision. Chemo is so taxing on a body. You wonder if 3-6 months without feeling toxic reactions are better without, but then you wonder if chemo will add a few more months to life- but is it quality life. Either way it's hard for the sick one and the loved ones.

Glad to have met you all.

grannylove
Posts: 183
Joined: Apr 2011

So sorry to hear about your mom. I too was a caregiver for a short 3 months for my mother. I would have to agree with soccerfreak, it was harder than being a survivor. I am glad that you are trying to get her out and about. That works wonders for the soul, both hers and yours. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers Deb. Stay strong. God bless you both. Cheryl

tsima
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2011

Deb, I am sorry to hear your mom's diagnosis, I got one almost like that in July when mom decided to stop chemo. I told her I am there to support her whatever decision she makes, she wants quality of life now she said. It is hard not to be selfish and want her with me longer, but I like you don want to see suffer and be in pain. We just need to take every day with them we can get and count it as a blessing and not try to get them to do what we want - it is about what they want and need. I am having a hard time with this too, I live 8 hrs. from my mom and don't get to visit as often as I would like so my sister keeps me updated. At least your mom is wearing her oxygen and you keep on encouraging her to get out when she feels like it, it will help her especially if she is battling depression like my mom. Have you talked to a hospice care unit yet? The one mom has is wonderful and they only come by as often your mom wants them to, they will do as little or as much as she wants. I hope this helps to know you are not alone in this journey and I know you will have many friends to help you through. God bless you and your mom.

Rosi's picture
Rosi
Posts: 69
Joined: Dec 2009

Hi Deb, When my husband was diagnosis they gave him maybe a month, what it makes me so furious is that the doctors are not God and they do not know. My husband lived 2 years after they told him you have four stage cancer met. to the brain. Let your mother t3ell what she wants and you go from there. love here and stay us much us you can with her.God bless you.

Hope4Marge's picture
Hope4Marge
Posts: 74
Joined: Jul 2011

Just checking in to see how you are and how is your mom?

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