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Sibling negativity

survivorMM
Posts: 4
Joined: Jul 2011

I am a 51 year old female, Multiple Myeloma survivor. I am doing very well with regard to managing the cancer and am in complete remission. I am, by nature, a positive person and this has helped to carry my through the past 7 months. My immediate family and friends have been very supportive and loving.
The problem are with my two sisters, who choose to constatnly spew negative thoughts in my direction. I can do nothing right in their eyes. They are relentless and now one of my brother in laws has gotten involved. I can not even temporarily walk away from them, as much as I wish I could, as I am my father's advocate. My Dad is in a nursing home and I was handed, by my sister, the task of being his advocate shortly after my diagnosis. I also am the only sibling still raising children, who works and is fighting cancer. It doesnt seem to matter to them. I email them with everything that is happening with my Dad. They question my every movement regarding my Dad. They have no regard for my situation. I love my father with my entire heart and will do anything for him to insure his care is the best it can be. My husband is very supportive of me and I dont know what I would do without him. The stress brought on by my sisters and caring for my Dad is incredible and I dont know what to do. I am at a loss. I have to figure out a way to handle this and I am at a loss. Any suggestions?

Noellesmom
Posts: 1279
Joined: Aug 2010

Been there, done that, except my husband was fighting cancer, not me, but caregivers know how involving that is.

SurvivorMM, you do what you think is right for your father and you tell your sisters afterward. That's all they need and, apparently, all they want.

You will handle all your responsibilities competently, without a doubt, but please remember to ask other family members to help, when possible.

Hugs. I know this road you are on with your father and it is a bittersweet one.

survivorMM
Posts: 4
Joined: Jul 2011

Thank you. Your ability to sum up what my sisters want made perfect sense. I now have to tell them I will no longer accept their emails as they are filled with negativity and malice, despite my requests to keep things fact based. THe only line of communication I will have with them if they chose to ploace a phone call to me to discuss my Dad. I have a feeling the calls will be very infrequent as they are spineless and wont want to actually talk to me. wish me luck....I need to concentrate on me and maintaining my positive outlook. They are doing their best not to let me make that happen.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1279
Joined: Aug 2010

Let them send all they want: you don't have to read them. Just hit "delete", MM.

ms.sunshine
Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

Divide up the caregiving. If they don't want to help then they should have no say in the decisions you make to care for your dad.

survivorMM
Posts: 4
Joined: Jul 2011

The delete approach will only put fuel on the fire because if they give me some some pertinent info, and I dont read it, well the attacks will continue.....but thanks for trying!

Lelia's picture
Lelia
Posts: 98
Joined: Jun 2011

Good lord, what a crazy-making situation, MM! For all we know there's a special place in h-e double toothpicks for such 'sisters.'

If they won't comply with your established ground rules that communication must contain ONLY facts and not accusations/negative opinions/criticism, I have an idea. You mentioned that your immediate family & friends are very supportive, and I wonder if you could enlist them to take turns sorting out the emails so you can be free of the crapola.

Each friend would take one month and you'd immediately, without reading them, forward the sibling emails to that friend. She would glean pertinent facts if indeed any exist and eliminate the negative Nancy nonsense, sharing only what you really need to know.

Maybe it's bratty but I've been accused of that before: I'd write to the sisters to notify them that from now on, their letters will be handled by a trusted friend who will notify you of any relevant information if indeed their communications contain any. "I know you might be embarrassed by some of the ridiculous and profoundly hurtful things you say so I thought it best to alert you so you can salvage any dignity you may still possess" I'd say.

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