Jul 22, 2011 - 1:24 am
You would think at my age I would be used to a broken heart or two. I could not reach 58 without having a disappointment or two by now… Remember that first boyfriend or breakup? How about the heart stopping disappointment of your first car wreck? Life on a farm can be very educating, so I learned early about a tragedy or two… I will never forget the gut wrenching sound of my dog being ran over before my very eyes. Let’s see… I have gone through a divorce and I know it can be a quite a heart dissolver. Or even death… my dad died in 1996, my mother 9 days before my husband.
So what does it feel like when your heart is broken and you can’t catch your breath?
Do we really get over it or do we grow through it? I don’t have the answers I just know that today it is very uncomfortable this time around. This broken heart of mine is not where it is supposed to be, it is laying in pieces exposed for all to see and it’s like no other time in my life. The pieces are sharp and jagged and when I try to put them back where they belong the pain cuts deep which reminds me that my heart is still looking for the “glue” that holds itself together.
This “glue” I’m talking about is the love that Bob and I shared. It is the partnership and future that I have come to depend on and it now lays scattered before me in pieces as Bob and my heart still feel as one. Today as I am grieving I reach out tenderly for a piece of my heart. I try to place it back in the spot where it belongs but there is not enough “glue” to hold it in place. The jagged piece of my heart cuts deep with loss and sends an overwhelming cry throughout my body and it looks for the rest of the pieces that lay broken on the floor in front of me.
It’s an exhausting game we play, my broken heart and I. I wonder how long it will take to quiet my grief, so we can begin to slowly fit each piece back together where they belong. I need to start to feel whole once again and not in pieces.
Bob was such a great role model for me and I try to keep him in mind in all my decisions now. He did not whine about what was handed to him during his cancer. He did not feel sorry for himself, not one bit. We had our moments together, don’t get me wrong but we got over them together. “He told me just to pick ourselves up and put our boots back on.” Bob lived that way, in everything he did personally and professionally. I think this is what I miss the most right now because of the uncertainty in my life without him. I try to keep his strength of character and love as a guide all around me, I just need to relax… and get my heart pieces back together again.
Peace to all.