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Picking Up The Pieces

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

You would think at my age I would be used to a broken heart or two. I could not reach 58 without having a disappointment or two by now… Remember that first boyfriend or breakup? How about the heart stopping disappointment of your first car wreck? Life on a farm can be very educating, so I learned early about a tragedy or two… I will never forget the gut wrenching sound of my dog being ran over before my very eyes. Let’s see… I have gone through a divorce and I know it can be a quite a heart dissolver. Or even death… my dad died in 1996, my mother 9 days before my husband.

So what does it feel like when your heart is broken and you can’t catch your breath?

Do we really get over it or do we grow through it? I don’t have the answers I just know that today it is very uncomfortable this time around. This broken heart of mine is not where it is supposed to be, it is laying in pieces exposed for all to see and it’s like no other time in my life. The pieces are sharp and jagged and when I try to put them back where they belong the pain cuts deep which reminds me that my heart is still looking for the “glue” that holds itself together.

This “glue” I’m talking about is the love that Bob and I shared. It is the partnership and future that I have come to depend on and it now lays scattered before me in pieces as Bob and my heart still feel as one. Today as I am grieving I reach out tenderly for a piece of my heart. I try to place it back in the spot where it belongs but there is not enough “glue” to hold it in place. The jagged piece of my heart cuts deep with loss and sends an overwhelming cry throughout my body and it looks for the rest of the pieces that lay broken on the floor in front of me.

It’s an exhausting game we play, my broken heart and I. I wonder how long it will take to quiet my grief, so we can begin to slowly fit each piece back together where they belong. I need to start to feel whole once again and not in pieces.

Bob was such a great role model for me and I try to keep him in mind in all my decisions now. He did not whine about what was handed to him during his cancer. He did not feel sorry for himself, not one bit. We had our moments together, don’t get me wrong but we got over them together. “He told me just to pick ourselves up and put our boots back on.” Bob lived that way, in everything he did personally and professionally. I think this is what I miss the most right now because of the uncertainty in my life without him. I try to keep his strength of character and love as a guide all around me, I just need to relax… and get my heart pieces back together again.

Peace to all.

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1638
Joined: Aug 2009

I am mostly lurking these days, but I couldn't help but feel your pain. In answer to one of your questions, I don't think we ever get over this loss. It is like no other that we have suffered. We do learn to live with it, though. It does take time. Lots of time. I, too, look to my husband as my example. I tell people that I am trying to live as well as he died. It is hard. I wish you peace, also. I think that is what we all seek. Take care, Fay

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Thirteen months since I lost my dear Terry. I am 57 and this is not the life I pictured I would have at this age. The loneliness is unbearable at times and it saddens me to think this is my new normal. I agree with Fay, I don't think we will ever get over this loss. Maybe time will numb the pain, maybe time will present us with new experiences that will brighten up our lives. I don't know...I hope so. All we can do is ride it out, push forward and hope for better days.
Becky

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Deb,
I feel your pain cause I'm having alot of it lately too. Today is the day we always left for the cottage we'd rent up in Northern Wisconsin. My son & his wife & grandsons left this morning & can't stop thinking about them. And of all things, a picture of the place came up on the computer yesterday. Weird, hey?
Anyhow take it easy. All we can do is take one day at a time & deal with our broken hearts, cause there is no glue that'll fix them.
Hang in there Deb!!! Carole

Noellesmom
Posts: 1365
Joined: Aug 2010

Deb, give yourself time, lots of time. Because you loved your husband so much, this is an overwhelming, overpowering grief.

Allow the pain, and the healing, the time and space they need.

You can't hurry recovery, and that's what this is.

Hugs.

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Deb, I hoped I'd find you here. Last week Mom and I watched a movie called Bonneville that made me think of you, and of Bob's harley. Jessica Lange loses her husband, and she and two girlfriends (one is Kathy Bates) take off on a meaningful road trip in the Bonneville he had lovingly restored and maintained. We both loved the movie, and I think you will, too. Healing thoughts coming your way.

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

I will definitely look for the movie, Bonneville. I've been doing a lot of reading on the discussion boards and can't help but feel even more remorse these days over losing my best friend, my companion. Each story of grief, of loneliness has me wondering if I will ever see the light of day. Will my heart ever live in light again? How does a person crawl out of the hole? How do our lips start to turn up again instead of pulling down? My eyes are always leaking, my makeup always streaking... I'm a mess in the morning before I even leave for work.

Out of nowhere it hits me, he's not here!

That aching need that rolls in the stomach and hits you in waves. I want this just to be over, I'm tired of being on guard of my feelings.

Deb
redesign08.blogspot.com

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I am trying to be positive but feel lately like this is it....as good as thing will get. Have talked with several women over the past week who lost their husbands 3-4 yrs ago. Life has become tolerable for them, but not anything resembling good. Is this it? Is this what I have to look forward to for the remainder of my life? It is almost 14 months since I lost my Terry. Life has been lonely and stressful, stressful, stressful.

faithlee
Posts: 9
Joined: Sep 2010

It has been 14 months for me as well and the loneliness/heartache seems to be getting worse, not better. I've heard that the 2nd year is worse than the first and I think I might have to agree with that. During the first year I think people excused you for the various emotions and bizarre behavior, blaming it on the grief you were going through. But once that year is up, I think people expect you to be back to normal. I don't feel like I will ever get back to normal. I put on a good show for my friends, who think I am doing just fine. And at times I do feel okay and normal, but then the overwhelming sadness and loneliness set in. I think once the first year is up, reality sets in and that is when you finally realize that your life has changed and your future is now uncertain.

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Deb,

Have not been on here for quite a while, but think of you and others, often. I found that no matter what, this life keeps on going!

Getting ready to start school for nursing, about a year and a half. I am excited about this! Met someone, friends.

Sometimes, I will glance at the calender, and it is unimaginable how fast time has moved!

Have many moments when I speak to Dennis, think of him, ask him what he thinks. I feel I will do this until I draw my last breath. You can't release a love like ours. I don't want to!

I will move on in my life, but he will remain a constant, as I feel I am who I am, today, because of him!

Take care, dear one. I shall always hold you close to my heart, as we went through so much together, even though we have never met in person.

Blessings,

Lucy

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

You give me hope Lucy... so many and myself included can't picture our futures yet with another. Grief is still our companion, still fresh or simply unbearable. I find your words of great comfort because I want what you have found. I know that our loved ones would not want us to hide from life forever, not want us to live in the dark with tears and unhappiness. It is this knowledge that keeps me going forward, it keeps me in the light. If I linger too long in the thinking of the past of what I have lost then all hope is lost with my husband.

Please keep in touch Lucy. Good luck with school, your empathy will get you far. If anyone can be successful in making sense of all that has happened you will.

Peace to you.
Deb
redesign08.blogspot.com
debrakirkrogers@ymail.com

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