Jul 13, 2011 - 2:55 am
My mom died on June 27th. I had to make the decision to pull the plug on mom, but she still wanted to fight. She was just too weak to fight. I seen how scared she was when she couldn't breathe. I was also there when the doctor told her that she was dying. I also seen how scared she was. The doctor gave her hours at best, but she was gone in just a few minutes. I did not get a chance to know alot of people here cause I signed up kinda late and mom started to go downhill. I have nightmares sometimes about the whole icu thing with her. She isn't in her final resting place yet, but soon will be and I know she would love it. I know I did the right thing for her in my head. I wish I could convince my heart of that. My mom was all I had besides my kids and I am not close to my sister at all. I will help her if I can.
I am having trouble dealing with everything. My mom was the closet to me. I have already dealt with 3 deaths including mom. It is like my family is beginning to disappear faster than I realize. Even though I am not close to some of them, I still do not want to see something happen to them. My great aunt has cancer and this is her 2nd go around with it. She had breast cancer before this and beat it, and now it is colon cancer. Not to mention my other family members who are on borrowed time or can go anytime. Some of them are just sick but when it is their time, it will take them, too. I don't know what to think, say, or do anymore. I am not sure how much I can continue to handle. Thank God, I do not have to make medical decisions for them, but I still have to deal with the loss. On my great aunt, my cousin was asking me how do you know that it is time to let them go and asking me all kinds of questions. I just went by my experience with my mom here recently.
On my mom's end, I don't understand what happened and why. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer, but she was only fighting one tumor after the surgery. My mom also neglected to tell me that her chemo stopped working. I did not find that out till she was on her death bed when the cancer doctor told her. The only thing keeping me from totally falling apart is my 3 wonderful kids. They need me right now cause they lost their grammy. My youngest tried to hold her breath so she could see her grammy now in heaven. This is mine and my kids story.
Where is my break at??? I need a vacation from life for awhile. I know there is nothing not one of us ourselves can do about death and it is a natural part of life, but come on. 3 losses and possibly more in one year. What is the deal???