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Karen82
Posts: 35
Joined: Jun 2011

My mom died on June 27th. I had to make the decision to pull the plug on mom, but she still wanted to fight. She was just too weak to fight. I seen how scared she was when she couldn't breathe. I was also there when the doctor told her that she was dying. I also seen how scared she was. The doctor gave her hours at best, but she was gone in just a few minutes. I did not get a chance to know alot of people here cause I signed up kinda late and mom started to go downhill. I have nightmares sometimes about the whole icu thing with her. She isn't in her final resting place yet, but soon will be and I know she would love it. I know I did the right thing for her in my head. I wish I could convince my heart of that. My mom was all I had besides my kids and I am not close to my sister at all. I will help her if I can.

I am having trouble dealing with everything. My mom was the closet to me. I have already dealt with 3 deaths including mom. It is like my family is beginning to disappear faster than I realize. Even though I am not close to some of them, I still do not want to see something happen to them. My great aunt has cancer and this is her 2nd go around with it. She had breast cancer before this and beat it, and now it is colon cancer. Not to mention my other family members who are on borrowed time or can go anytime. Some of them are just sick but when it is their time, it will take them, too. I don't know what to think, say, or do anymore. I am not sure how much I can continue to handle. Thank God, I do not have to make medical decisions for them, but I still have to deal with the loss. On my great aunt, my cousin was asking me how do you know that it is time to let them go and asking me all kinds of questions. I just went by my experience with my mom here recently.

On my mom's end, I don't understand what happened and why. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer, but she was only fighting one tumor after the surgery. My mom also neglected to tell me that her chemo stopped working. I did not find that out till she was on her death bed when the cancer doctor told her. The only thing keeping me from totally falling apart is my 3 wonderful kids. They need me right now cause they lost their grammy. My youngest tried to hold her breath so she could see her grammy now in heaven. This is mine and my kids story.

Where is my break at??? I need a vacation from life for awhile. I know there is nothing not one of us ourselves can do about death and it is a natural part of life, but come on. 3 losses and possibly more in one year. What is the deal???

kluong
Posts: 23
Joined: Nov 2010

Karen,

What can I say to lighten your heart? I am at a loss. However, I would like to share my story since it is similar to yours. Hopefully, we can help to heal each other hearts.

I too lost my hubby on June 27. He was in the hospital for chemo (colon cancer) when the nurse found him not breathing. They rushed him to ICU. When they did tests, they found out that his liver and kidneys had failed. They told me I had less than one hour before his heart would too. They told me I had to let him go.

You see, it has been 19 months of hell for us since we first found out he had stage 4 cancer. I was two months pregnant at the time. The baby just turned 1 yesterday. My hubby was able to see the baby took his first step before he passed away. Like your mom, my hubby fought very hard to be around for our boys (we have 3 son) but his body could not stand all the cancer and pain anymore. Of the 19 months, my husband was in the hospital for at least 13 months for various treatments, procedure, testings, etc...

To top it off, of our 3 son, our middle son passed away 5 years ago when he was just 8 weeks old. Therefore, I can understand your pain and grief. It just seemed like you been grieving all these times and the saddness and depression will not stop. I fell the same way. Just when my heart was beginning to heal from the death of my son, my husband got sick and it was all over again. I feel like I been grieving for the past 5 years and I do not know how much longer I can handle. However, as you know, we must fight and live on for your kids.

I have many doubts and regrets about the last couple of weeks with my husband before he passed. There are many things I would do differently. The most important thing for me is that I hope he knew how much I loved him and how much I was glad to be his wife at the end. It was my privelge to be his wife and an honor to be his caregiver. For that, I will always be glad and proud and try to carry on his legacy. That is how I make my peace and I hope that you will find your peace in your own way.

If you would like, please pm me and we can talk more.

Thinking of you,

Kim L

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