Jul 11, 2011 - 6:16 am
Awwww nuts. Grrrrr, and words I am not allowed to type in here.
Sometimes it feels like it just never ends, know the feeling? I am not complaining, well okay I am but I have had a long long shtick without cancer and am praying this wayward lymph node (apparently nodes in the breast are rare but it does happen and usually means nothing) won't ruin my track record.
Over the years I have had a few scares, mostly in the last 7 years, but never a lump or something that needs biopsy like this stupid node. I fought long and hard for them to give me ultrasounds instead of mammograms because I have too much nerve damage from my chemo drugs during my treatments and I'm sure the total body radiation didn't help things either. With all the treatments it has been a miracle I haven't had a secondary cancer after my NHL diagnosies but lucky I am. I'm praying that continues.
Many of us have experienced this merrygoround of diagnosis, symptoms, worrying, waiting, praying and then getting on with life only to have some other worrisome symptom occur and we are off again. Wish I had a fix for this cycle that sometimes seems neverending.
Still I count my blessings and many times on these boards have mentioned seeing my daughter get married and finish university and my son find his career and begin to settle down plus many other amazing situations in my life that have happened during my long survival period from this nasty disease. I was allowed to stick around and see it all and for that I am truly greatful.
I don't want to talk like this is another recurrance and that NED time is over because I really don't have that kind of fear that happens when we find a lump and wonder 'is it back?' I remember distinctly that when I found my first lump, I wasn't thinking it was cancer as I was so shocked there was a lump, but there was this jolt of a kind of electricity that went through me when I first touched the lump. Same thing happened when I found the second one under my left breast. That same type of jolt didn't hit me when they found this node on ultrasound so I am praying that means something positive.
Interesting thing though is that I had to fight tooth and nail to be allowed to have ultrasounds instead of mammograms because I had nerve damage from the treatments and mammograms are too painful. I went through hell trying to convince the docs that I needed to be screened like all other women and if ultrasounds are the only way then so be it. I won, finally, and it was the ultrasound that picked up the node. Lesson: If you think and feel very strongly about something concerning your health then stick to it and fight to get it taken seriously. We have to be our own advocates and have the right to discuss the pros and cons and what does and doesn't work for us as individuals and if our doctors won't help us or believe in us then we have to try other docs who are more willing to accept us as individuals and believe in us as much as we must believe in them.
I am trying to hold a good thought and keep positive about this wayward lymph node. I will keep busy today, the biopsy is tomorrow afternoon, and continue to pray.
Just needed to vent, thanks for listening.
Blessings to you and yours.