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Losing it

melbas2
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2010

Hey Y'all...has anyone ever gotten to the point I am at I am 8 months post tx and tonite I finally lost it. I totally understand that it,s hot out &nmy husband works hard, but do I need to be his scapegoat for the **** he goes thru at work? I'm going to apologize for any language I use, but I have f....... had it! At least when I was gone for 3 weeks he'd ire someone to come in and clean before I got home. Now, because I'm home 24/7 he can't pick up hiw dirty clothes, his dinner dishes, empty the trash, wash a dish, clean the bath after he shaves, do anything outside, vaccuum...I could go on and on. He doesn't understand the pain Im going thru cuz he doesn't want to. I've left posts for him to read, I tried to get him to log an and try to understand what I go thru on a daily basis, but it's too much trouble for him. I can' go on pains meds, cuz he'd blame my larthegy that. If I drink a beer, he says I drink all day...no wonder I get nothing done. I have hit that wall folks. He says he didn't sign up for this...did I mention no sex and I can't stand long enough to cook a meal or go to the grocery store? And then tonite I just lost it. We went out with friends and he was rude and demeaning to me all night. then I wanted to come home and take my bath and you would've thought I'd run over his dog. Why is it when he wants to stay out and drink, I want to come home. Cuz he gets mean and ******* stupid when he drinks. So then I turned the air off for 10 minutes while I took my bath, and he went over the edge. My newest challenge is that I now have A-plastic anemia, which is causing my bone marrow to eat itself. Do to my age, a transplant could be fatal. So I asked him....did I sign up for this? 3 bouts of cancer, surgeries, chemo, radiation, muscle loss, pain, loss of independence, balance, energy...with no help around the house? I don't remember putting that at the top of any friggin wish list. I'm tired y'all. I wish I could be the whirlwind I used to be. Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Thanks for letting me spout off...Melodie

lizdeli's picture
lizdeli
Posts: 522
Joined: Jul 2009

Melodie, it sounds like you are just fed up and from what you shared I don't blame you. I don't know the man, but when someone says "I didn't sign up for this"...well that appears to be a sign of major selfishness.

My advice is what I learned a long time ago. We cannot change people or the way they act. All we can do is control how we respond/react to their behaviors. So concentrate on you and what you need to do to be healthy physically and emotionally.

Hugs,
Liz

sephie's picture
sephie
Posts: 544
Joined: Apr 2009

I do so feel for you. this is a cancer no one can relate to unless they have gone thru the torture of the tx and after effects. I am sorry. the no sex thing is normal for most of us. (not all, but most) .it hurts and is scary and the vagina is too small despite using dilators . please try to take care of yourself . even the radiation oncologists at MDA find it hard to believe that we can not just get back to being the people that we were before tx. if they who have seen these anal cancers keep telling me to go back to my old self , then think how hard it is for others to understand. hugs to you. you are not alone. sephie

mxperry220
Posts: 369
Joined: Mar 2011

It sounds like you may need to talk to a professional marriage counselor. It seems your husband may have been harboring this attitude for some time maybe even before your treatments. The stress level you are under will only hold back your recovery. It may be that you two need to seperate at least for a while until you are a better able to cope with the day to day issues at home.

Captain11
Posts: 88
Joined: Apr 2011

WOW!!! Melodie I am so sorry to hear of this. Sounds like the issues go deeper than your cancer. You may need to seek marriage counseling..Maybe, this is his defense mechanism because he doesn't know what you are going through...but then why not do the dishes, etc etc??? Do not throw the blame for this on your shoulders. You didn't ask for any of this. and it sounds like you are doing everything you can to help yourself heal, physically. The no sex thing is common, due to the shrinking of the vaginal walls. Even with the dilation, it still is painful. Plus, sometimes you don't have the strength to think about it. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER THIS!!! It is him. you married for in sickness and in health. If the tables were turned, would you treat him that way? NO, you wouldn't. Don't go on any medication just to please him. Your body isn't built for that, and neither is your psyche. Get some professional help soon. Talk to a clergy, a nurse, mutual friends, anyone who you think could at least give him a royal kick in the pants!!! The way he is treating you is absolutely cruel. Sad to say that people don't understand this kind of fatigue, unless they go through it...and I wouldn't wish it on anyone!!! This fatigue is not like you missed a night's sleep...it is totally internally draining of every bit of energy in you. I got so bad at times, I didn't have the energy to think. Seriously get some help quick, at least to ease your mind. Remember this is not your fault. My husband, also a cancer survivor, also wishes you luck. Good luck, keep us posted.We are praying for you. God bless you.. Captain

melbas2
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2010

thanks fir all ur replies & suggestions. Conseling is out of the question..he doesn't like 3rd party to tell him what to do. He went 2 the bar at about 3 pm after work, got all pissy when I said I didn't want 2 go. Then an hour later he calls and ask me to at least bring him more money. I asked him, "do u know what it means when I say my ass is bleeding?" And he texts back "do u understand that I'm tying to get drunk?" So then an hour later he calls for a ride home and I told him I'd taken a sleeping pill...I've been up the better part of the week. Then he goes so and so just got here, bye. So I dozed back off and at 12:30 he's banging on the windoe wanting me to go to breakfast, I heard my brother arguing that he needed to calm down, I dozes again and he was waking me cuz were oartners in crime, I told him to call me when he's sober, and I went to see if his truck was here, which it was, meaning he took my vehicle.Fine just let me rest. I didn't hear him come in, but I woke to his snoring. Sitting uprihjt on the sofa, dea d drunk. so that is where he'll stay. I had to set my alarm for 5 am so I can wake him before work, which means then I;ll be awake til about 10 am before I can go back 2 to sleeping. I guess I can sleep when I'm dead. Hope every one havs a great Dads day, no matter how u spend it Melodie

mp327's picture
mp327
Posts: 3119
Joined: Jan 2010

I think you should go ahead and see a conselor, even if you have to go by yourself. Getting in with someone who will listen to you and give you unbiased opinions and advice on how to handle this situation could be very helpful. Your husband is not dealing with the issues in his life in a healthy way, but perhaps you can learn how to cope with the situation, even if it means walking.

Angela_K
Posts: 374
Joined: Jan 2011

Melodie ~ I am so sorry that you are having to deal with an unhealthy relationship on top of your personal health issues. Seeking out a reputable counselor is a smart thing to do for yourself. I quickly found these Alanon affirmations websites that might prove helpful and spark your interest in researching a little more.

http://alanondiary.blogspot.com/2008/07/affirmations-feeling-good.html
and
http://www.marinalanon.org/pages/welcome/quotes-and-sayings.php

Staying mentally and spiritually healthy through your healing is vital.

Stay focused on you and your best interests. You being selfish is just fine right now.

Keep us posted on your progress. Bright, bold blessings your way, sweetie.

mxperry220
Posts: 369
Joined: Mar 2011

Sorry to suggest this but SEPERATION or DIVORCE may be your best options. He seems to be very selfish and self centered. According to your post he may be an abusive alcholic. Until he is willing to work on his problems yours can only get worse. If you are not willing to take the initial step to get out of this abusive relationship none of us can help you.

Captain11
Posts: 88
Joined: Apr 2011

Melodie, Don't give up. You need to get some counseling for yourself. He needs to deal with a lot of issues, not just your health. I thought maybe you could get a friend of his to read some of these posts and maybe his friend can talk some sense into him. You need your rest, first from the treatments and second from the anemia. Seriously somehow get him to read (from others like us) what we are and have been going through. he may not want to hear it from you, but, like I said, maybe from a friend of his. I hope you find some peace with this situation. God bless you and keep us informed. And go ahead and spout all you want. You've been through a lot and venting is a big part of healing. May God bless.

sandysp's picture
sandysp
Posts: 852
Joined: May 2011

Good job spouting. I am so sorry for the anemia. You must be exhausted all the time and I know we all understand the word pain with this cancer. I pray your relationship will improve because it sounds really sad right now. So sorry. I am praying for you both tonight. Can you call the cancer society - I hear they have help for housekeeping. God bless you and keep you.

JDuke's picture
JDuke
Posts: 443
Joined: Nov 2009

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this emotional toxicity on top of everything else right now. I can relate. I have been married for 35 years and there is a lot commonality in my situation and your post. The funny thing is that if my spouse read my comment he would be shocked that I would say that. I am three years into dealing with my cancer. Most of time he has been unbelieveable supportive but there are times that I feel I am such a burden to him. On the day I came home from my eight day hospital stay a couple of weeks ago an argument regarding dinner and his inability (?) to put clean sheets on the bed, unassisted, escalated into a terrible argument that ended with me telling him, that is how I felt and him agreeing that I am a burden. That was hard to take. However, I realize that sometimes I expect more than he has emotionally. He thinks he is trying and most of the time he is, but sometimes it is not enough. That is when I am so grateful for the support of other family and friends. I am not making excuses for him just trying to say that while we are dealing with the totally unexpected, most major life changing issues imaginable, so are they. It effects everything, finances, sex, household responsibilities, future plans, social life, etc. If they are prone to being a little more self-centered/selfish (as mine is) then it can easily stir up a lot of negative feelings toward us. I have spent a lot of time talking to my closet friend about this an we have concluded that perhaps he feels that all the attention is focused on me and no one really realizes that he is suffering too. Again, not an excuse, just saying.

I hope that you will try to focus some positive attention on yourself. It is SO important that you find some support. I know that a separation or divorce is a scary scenario. Thinking of being alone in this fight is terrifying. I know others might think, well alone would be better than with someone who is already absent on so many levels. Please don't be too quick to judge, it is complicated, as we all know. Reach out to this forum, no one knows better than the members here what we deal with. No real wisdom from me, just wanting you to know that I feel your pain and hope that you will find yourself in a better place emotionally real soon. Please put yourself first Melodie, you be selfish and concentrate on healing.

Sending you a big (((HUG)))
Joanne

sissy310
Posts: 300
Joined: May 2010

Hey Melodie - I can't add much more than what everyone else contributed. Your husband is a selfish snot. I agree with counseling even if he doesn't want to go. How he treats you borders on abuse and the stress is not going to help your healing process - mentally, emotionally or physically. You have a lot on your plate to carry and his indifference or non understanding of it makes me want to hit him over the head with the nearest frying pan. I know my husband sometimes just does not 'get' what I'm going through or feeling but he also does not expect me to clean or cook or do laundry if I'm not feeling up to it. It's me that puts the pressure on me, not him. Time to start thinking about Melodie first and focus on healing, not on his childish behavior. I do agree with if you can't change the other person, change how you view the behavior. Look at him as a selfish little child rather than a grown man. Meanwhile come in and vent all you want. Hope this finds things settling down a bit. Hugs, Marilyne

melbas2
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2010

well we sat down at lunch and had a long talk about this. I told him...before I got sick...he so help out. I told him that refusing to help me, I think he thinks I can push myself I will just have to do it, and he will once again have his whirlwind wife back. I told him it doens't work that way. So I've signed up for cleaning for a reason, and have been on the waiting list for 6 weeks. So I contacted Merry Maids last week, waiting to hear from them for a quote. Then in 2 months we are moving next door to my sister, and then the 1st part of the year my son, daughter in law and 2 yr old grandaughter aare moving up from Fla. to be closer to help me. And my little Ducky is the reason I live. I got my very own cane and walker today, no more loaners. I will be able to see her grow up and play with her. That is my goal. And I don't want to divorce Trace. We've been thru alot in 20 years. His way of dealing with pain and fear is to be very gruff. I saw it when his dad died. It's like...if he doesn't care, he won't get hurt. I never wanted to pay for house cleaning, it seems so indulgent. but I can afford it, so why not? And then I think he'll feel less pressure once my family is here to help me. So...fingers crossed, prayers, and I will see the sun again one day. Thank you all, Melodie

sissy310
Posts: 300
Joined: May 2010

Well, communication is key - not yelling or being gruff but just talking about things. Perhaps he is more scared than he is angry, feeling like he lost the 'whirlwind' wife he had before. I too did everything until I got sick and at first Rich was a bit withdrawn - he doesn't like to face realistic things and he sticks his head in the ground not 'seeing' what is going on around him. I think it keeps him from being hurt or worrying. Maybe Trace is similar to this and copes differently than we do. I'm sorry you have to use a cane and walker. I know there are days I feel like I'm constricted in my hips and legs because I'm so stiff. Yesterday I did a little unpacking and separating for my garage sale (maybe an hour or two worth) and I could barely move after. That upsets me because I would have had the whole garage done, priced, separated and cleaned out in two days. Now it takes me weeks! Doesn't help to have a hubby and son who think manual labor is not for them...I was outside asking for help to lift and move huge tubs of stuff and they did maybe two and suddenly they were gone, going inside for water or potty and when they did not come out and I went in, one was on the computer and one on a video game. Men. I just turned around and went back outside and did what I could alone. No use arguing or getting upset about it - won't hurt anyone but me. I'm learning to view this as well it will take me longer but it will get done. And move forward.

As for hiring someone to clean, I think that is a great idea. You will have one less thing to worry about and will probably relax immediately after that happens. Once you move next to your sister and your daughter moves closer there will be two more women who understand all this and can help. That's half the battle. Things should fall into place then. You will see the sun again - just have faith and push forward. Hugs, Marilyne

sandysp's picture
sandysp
Posts: 852
Joined: May 2011

My husband and I met with the social worker at Sloan today. He had planned on going with me to the Oncologist appointment with me and I had us meet with the social worker first. We met for about an hour and I think it was a really good move. You were a source of inspiration and everyone who posted. This disease eats away at more than our bodies, doesn't it? Wishing you and all those you love peace. I think the Alanon suggestion is really good. He may be drinking more these days out of fear of losing you. Like you say - gruff exterior may just mean he is a big mush. Don't be afraid of calling a spade a spade. Alcoholism is easy to deal with once you have used the "C" word. It's just another disease. Thinking of you, Sandy

Angela_K
Posts: 374
Joined: Jan 2011

And I have found Alanon meetings/material to be helpful whether you have a family member who drinks or not. It helped me a few years ago not to be an enabler period and to truly let go and let God. I've approached life and my family/friends differently ever since . . .for the better. And I still reflect on those daily affirmations. Angela

sandysp's picture
sandysp
Posts: 852
Joined: May 2011

I know ignorance is probably bliss but what is tx?

mp327's picture
mp327
Posts: 3119
Joined: Jan 2010

Tx is a medical abbreviation for treatment. Sorry, some of us on these boards are guilty of using such abbreviations and presume that everyone knows what they mean. Now you know!

sandysp's picture
sandysp
Posts: 852
Joined: May 2011

Yes, what we don't know is so much scarier than what we do know. I'll try to remember not to abbreviate my posts as we go down the road. Although it's okay. Everything in its own time. Some times I just glaze over when I get too much information. Thank God my husband takes notes. But this discussion board is amazing. There wasn't much I heard from the professionals I had not heard here so it makes everything easier to absorb.

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