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Beginning of the End?

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

I'm afraid we have started the final chapter with my dad, He's appearing to be in alot more pain than he's been. He's sleeping holding his stomach. He hasn't done any feedings for a day and half now. Tube or even tried orally...even though nothing passes up until now he's been trying to force things down.

He tells me once this feeling goes away I'll go back to feeding myself..Personally I don't see it happening.

I'm at the point of not pushing him to eat right now. I know he's suffered so much, how much is too much. His Nurse from Hospice was in today, and his blood pressure is starting to drop just a little. I just don't know where we stand right now...

Hoping for the best but preparing to say good bye if needed

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

We are never really prepared for the loss of a loved one. We may think we are, but we aren't. Even though I prayed for a quick and peaceful end for my husband and gave him permission to go when he was ready, I was still unprepared for his death. That's ok. We can only really deal with what we are living now. You have been a faithful daughter and caregiver. Your life will change when you lose him, and you will grieve. Many of us have been where you are. Come here when you need support. Fay

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

Thank you Fay. Im just on such a roller coaster right now...I've done everything I know how to do. He's sleeping right now ...maybe peace will be with him soon. As much as i hate to say that maybe it is the best thing. I don't want to see him suffer anymore than he has to. I love him with all my heart but it kills me to see him this way.

Lelia's picture
Lelia
Posts: 98
Joined: Jun 2011

Hi Angel: I remember reading your profile page when I first came to CSN, the things you said touched me deeply and I want to remind you of them now:

"I do my best to make sure everything is taken care of. It's exhausting but I would walk to the end of the earth just to get the precious moments I have with my dad.

Cherish every moment. You can't have yesterday back and tomorrow isn't promised, fact is you have to break the day down moment to moment sometimes.

You are never alone even when you feel like you are there are people to catch you when you are falling. When you think you can't deal with anything else you find the strength from some unlikely places. Have faith in the process, in family, friends, survivors but most importantly yourself!

What is the one thing that walks you through the hard times?
Your spirituality!"

You aren't alone, please let us know how we can help. We are there for you --Lelia

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

Lelia,

Wow you are like an angel, I cried most of last night felt the lowest of lows. I feel so helpless to help my dad right now. Then you just reminding me what my attitude has been throughout all this. It gives me renewed hope. So thank you for the kind words and encouragement god knows we need as much as we can get right now.

Funny how things we say touch others when we don't think they really matter

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Angel
I am thinking of you, your dad, and family. Just go with your gut feelings. You and your dad know when enough is enough. Take it one day at a time. Talk to him, see what his real true feelings are. Support him no matter what he decides. Let him be in control. He needs to have that peace of mind. You are doing and have done a wonderful job. Hugs to all of you.
Tina in Va

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

Tina,

Thank you so much for the encouragement. Last night was a really rough night. More for me than him, I laid awake all night I guess grieving my own losses. This Sunday is my birthday and Im scared he won't be here. My mind has been racing with guilt. I have always been able to help him with everything, and now i question how can I help him now. I looked at the clock last night or this morning you might say 4:17 am it's like all the racing stopped. I knew what I had to do...I wrote him a letter. It's time for me to take a very hard step. I need to help him be at peace and be able to make this journey to death. I wrote that I love him, that he has been the best father that he could be, that I respect him and everything he has taught me. That yes It is hurting me to see him in such pain and suffering, and my suffering won't end when he draws his final breath but I will be ok and I will move forward with my life. I told him he is my hero and I will continue his legacy and I will help educate other caregivers so they can help those they love.

I told him I love you dad You will never be gone from my life because you are in my heart and that is something I will hold onto forever. There was much more in this letter.

I walked into his room this morning around 8:00 to check on him, He's been getting sick alot more than normal, he had just laid back down. I asked him if he felt like talking and i pulled the chair up next to him. I had the letter in my hand, I told him I wrote something I wanted him to hear.

I began reading and crying, He started crying. Told me he loved me and He is so tired today, I continued as we had a "moment" I will never forget.

I finally finished my letter. And I told him It's ok, you have battled a good fight and it's ok if you can't fight anymore, you are not surrendering you are putting the fight in someone else's hands. I told him to rest,and i would check on him in a little while.

He seems to be resting well. Maybe this is the thing he needs me to do help him be ok with all this.

I guess time will tell.

Thank you to everyone that is supportive to me at this very difficult time

Lelia's picture
Lelia
Posts: 98
Joined: Jun 2011

You're an amazing caregiver and daughter. Isn't it strange how cancer unwittingly provided the groundwork for a profound & meaningful relationship with your dad you may not have otherwise experienced.

You really *are* a Faithful Angel, always remember that, never forget. I'm so glad to be getting acquainted, you've been special to me from the very first time I found this site.

Wishing you and your family peace and serenity,

Lelia

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

Lelia,

That is such a sweet thing to say, and at the right time. I know we all go through our own battle and triumphs but I know that once my battle is over I will be here to root others through thier triumphs. I think it is important that we stay here for others even after we have lost our loved ones to this monsterous beast we have all known to rob us of our lives as well as the lives of the loved ones we care for.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Giving those we love permission to leave us is so very hard, but it also so very important both for ourselves and our loved ones. They need to be assured that we will be ok, and we need to say what is in our heart. You are doing an amazing job for your dad. When this is over, you will be able to know that you did the best you could, that you helped your father through a difficult transition. Take care, Fay

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

Thank you fay I don't think there will ever be a text book, telling us the right and wrongs in this because the only wrong there is, is this beast has invaded so many lives. I know I Have been helping my dad through this for over two years now, and we are all so emotionally and physically tired. But I wouldn't trade in a moment that I have with him. He's been everything to me for so long. and those little "moments" like when i read my letter to him and we both cried is what will get me through my darkest of days and hours. Not even cancer can take that away from any of us~so it's a small triumph and i will relish in that for now

Everyone stay strong we are all in this together!! Much love

UKLady's picture
UKLady
Posts: 85
Joined: Jan 2011

There are a couple of us here who can count in days since we were in your shoes and so many others whose footsteps we walk in. I think we are given the ability to step outside of ourselves and our feelings just at the time when we need to, and we find that serenity to live in the moment and communicate that unconditional love we have for our loved one.

I have read your page and I know you are one of these people who will find grace and serenity and will cherish every single moment and believe it or not it will help you and give you comfort and an amazing memory for the future.

I wish you peace for you and your father

Lyndsey

Lelia's picture
Lelia
Posts: 98
Joined: Jun 2011

Thinking about you this morning, hope all is well and that you are holding up.

--your friend Lelia

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

Holding up as well as I can. It's getting rough for me to sleep right now, Im noticing I am getting run down. Trying to keep my strength up so i can be there for everyone else. Hard to keep a balance but i'm sure that everyone goes through this.

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