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Trying Times

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

Today has been such a hard day, Here we are about two weeks after We were told that my dad has about two months left. He seemed to be doing ok for the last week or so. Actually starting to eat and hold things down a little at a time, Yesterday I noticed he wasn't holding much down again. His espohagus is closed once again.

But with the chemo stopped and hospice started it seemed that he was making a little bit of progress, He even started being a little more perceptive to the "process" as we were told. Dad actually spoke with the chaplain from hospice on Friday, Actually said a prayer with him. *the first time i've even heard him speak of faith in 30 years*

My Dad is nearly full functioning from an outsiders view, still gets up and does things for himself, even goes in and will wash dishes from time to time. I've noticed he's sleeping more and more. I just figured he's tired, who wouldn't be for all he goes through.

Today He's been sick several times and sleeping nonstop. Im so sick of this rollercoaster where he's ok one minute and not the next, I want off please!!!!
Yesterday we had a conversation that still has me shaken to my core, He said he's trying to decide if he wants to go "home" to die. We are originally from the cleveland area in ohio and are presently living in Kentucky where we have been for the past 10 yrs. *This is also the first time He's talked about death*

Come to think of it he's brought up his time in the military.. He served in Vietnam, and does not speak of it due to how he was treated coming home with all the things that were said and done to the military men and women when they came home, He tells me of times they were hit thrown things at called all those nasty names such as "BabyKillers" ect. But now he speaks of it in the last week.

Im seriously wondering if he is dying much more quickly than it seems. Im scared even though I don't want him going through this anymore. I know that once he passes on He will be at peace and then My Mom and I can start the healing process of all this.

Anyone have any advice???

ms.sunshine
Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

My dad passed this past April. He was much the same way. One day he would be so tired, sleepy, not eating. The next he would be alert talking 90mph, and wanting to eat everything. He also talked about things from his past.

He talked about wanting to be with his mom, and brother who had passed away many years before. He would sing, and talk about God.

My advice: Listen. If you have anything to tell your dad, tell him now. Touch him, hold his hand. Tell him you love him.

I know this time is very difficult for you. Comfort your mom.

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

Sunshine,

Thank you for your kind words, I guess Im just looking for some guidance and so many on here can give just that. I'm wondering if the end to his suffering is near. As much as it will devastate me, I pray that he can be at peace. This is the hardest thing I will ever have to do.

DaughterDearest's picture
DaughterDearest
Posts: 22
Joined: Dec 2010

Such a rollercoaster, indeed!

My dad has also been up and down. Mostly down as of lately, though. He feels his esophagus has closed up again...and now he's experiencing severe back pain in his muscles and spine. I fear his cancer has spread to his spine...

Also, he had an episode last weekend where he couldn't breathe...he just couldn't catch his breath. I'm not sure what he did; I think he somehow overexerted himself. Anyway, I came downstairs to get more tea and check up on him and I noticed he was breathing rapidly. His chest was going a mile a minute! I called our nurse who rushed over right away and was able to get him to stabilize his breathing. But boy, I was so scared! I thought he was about to--well... :-(

It seems like my days (for over a year now) are just full of worry and fret. My mood is so up and down, depending on how my dad feels that day. One minute I'm my usual happy self, the next I'm sad and crying.

*sigh*

It's depressing, as well, because I know the end is coming...it's just a matter of WHEN! This feels like a waiting game.

Every morning when I wake up, I'm almost nervous to go downstairs.

"Will today be the day I find my father laying dead in his hospital bed?"

:-(

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

I know exactly what you are saying it's been two years that i've been caring for my dad. My Rollercoasters are nonstop right now...I can't count the range of my emotions right now. One minute im fine the next im in tears.

I don't sleep hardly for fear my dad will die in the middle of the night im up about every 10 mins checking on him, Im like you Im afraid to check on him at times for fear he will be dead. We are both in the same boat it seems with our dads.

Same fears and awaiting the same outcomes. Im not willing to kid myself into believing he will be ok, Hospice is involved and I'm not sure it's taking any stress off of me but Im sure it's part of the process. If you ever need to talk i'm here...

Gentle Hugs,

Valerie

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

I'm riding the roller coaster with my mother now, but 10 years ago it was dad and he did die on my watch, while I was asleep on the sofa in the next room. It's okay that way, too, and I've heard of people "waiting" for everyone to leave to take their last breath. I had been up singing hymns to dad at 3 and when I went in at 5 am (only seconds before Mom), it was like he had left. Simply gone. I think it's the way he wanted it. If that does happen, it will be all right.

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

Barbara,

Thank you, and I do believe you are right, My dad is a fighter but he is also a It's my way type of person. So when he does breathe his last breath im sure it will be on his terms just like everything else has always been. That's the hardest thing about all this to him, He's lost control of what happens so Im sure his death will be on his terms. Thank you so much for your kind words it means the world to me right now...

Valerie

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