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depressed and lonely

girllon
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2011

hi,

i was diagnosed with papillary carcinoma on june 2010. and i has two separate surgeries to remove both my thyroids separately. i happened to get this shockin news when preparations for my marriage were goin on. everyone around me wer so disturbed tat i literally had no one to stand by me during my tough timee and instead i had to make sure everyone around me wer not upset. my then boy fren was too weak to even stand by me. he was even more scared to even come and stay with me in the hospital. surgery got over. i am now married to the same guy. but i am so very depressed with my life. i feel like no one around me including my husband feels whats it like to go through what i had to. i very badly wanna forget what happened to me and be happy but i am constantly being reminded tat i was a cancer patient. i have a very ugly scar on my neck which i am so conscious about. i have lost my self confidence and i have a very poor self esteem. since i am from india and circumstances are that i can never others knw i had this problem. so i keep covering my scar with a stole 24/7. things have changed a lot between me and my husband and i don feel im good enough for him. i tend to blame myself for all the problems in our relationship. i am tired of tryin to b good enough for him. i feel so dejected and lost. i feel tat anythin and everythin i think is wrong and everybody around me are right. basically from the time this happened to me, i dont like the way i am anymore. i cry almost everyday. at times i just feel there is no reason for me to feel happy abt anythin in life. there is a constant sadness inside me all the time. i really dont have anyone to whom i can talk to. or someone who can understand my physical and emotional needs tat i am in need of at this point of my life. im sure someone over here might me able to undestand what i am goin through. kindly help me to as to how can i learn to cope up with this new unwanted situaton life has put me into.. pls help.:(

sunnyaz
Posts: 582
Joined: Oct 2010

Hi girllon,

I am so sorry for how you are feeling. As I read your post I began to cry for you because I know how you feel and I wish I could be there for you. You need to know that this is a very common thing for thyroid cancer patients, but you need professional help. Go to your doctor and ask for some guidance. Possibly a support group and/or a counselor (both). Your doctor will be able to help. You might need an Anti-depressant medication to help get you on the right track. Also, if your TSH levels are too high and you are hypothyroid, this will increase depression. Have they tested your TSH levels? What dose of Synthroid (Levothyroxine) are you on and how much do you weigh? I don't mean to get personal but your dosage will depend on your weight.

This is definitely a result of your hormones. It's not in your head my sweet dear. You must reach out to someone near you for help. Sit down with your husband and express to him your sadness. Tell him everything you posted to us. Let him read the post if it will help him to understand.

We all go through this. The thyroid is an important gland and it supports so many of our bodily functions. You must have enough replacement hormone in order to live and function again. Nobody can live without a thyroid or the replacement hormone.

There is a way to get back to happy, I promise you. You might not be the same but you can get close to where you were before. I will keep you in my prayers. I ask also that you lean on your God. He will help you through this too.

The scar will fade away with time. You are good enough for your husband. You are the same person he fell in love with and your mental state will get better when your hormones are balanced. Keep telling yourself that you are worthy of love, happiness and joy, because you are, everyone is. Never stop believing that. Feel free to post and tell us anything you want. We are all here for you and we understand what you are going through.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,
Julie-SunnyAZ

girllon
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2011

hello,

felt very nice to read your message. finally i feel i have some place wer i can talk out my feelings and i don't have to worry about what reactions i may get.

i am 25 yrs old, 5.7" height and i am 61 kg.. i am in right shape and has not seen any drastic change in my weight before or after my surgery..doctor told me that i might put on weight but that has not been my case yet.

these are my values as per my blood report on 25/05/2011:

Free t3 - 2.00 ( NORMAL RANGE - 1.4 to 4.4 pg/ml

Free t4 - 0.98 ( NORMAL RANGE - 0.7 to 2.0 ng/dl

TSH - 7.93 ( NORMAL RANGE - 0.3 to 5.0 mlU/ml

My doctor told me i will have to bring down my TSH to the normal range. so now i am having 150mg of thyronorm on one day and 175mg the next day ( alternate days ). i have my low iodine whole body scan coming august and last time i checked i had a faint thyriod tissue left so hopin that my tests comin august show tat those faint tissues are not there anymore.

I stay with my husband in my in laws house. Its not easy for me to make them understand what im goin through cause they feel tat i am just giving excuses for gettin up late and being very lethargic. i was a short tempered person before i got to know abt my thyroid problem so, now wen i show mood swings my husband tells me u were always like this so dont blame it on ur thyroid. i feel so helpless and lonely when ever i hear such things from him.

i just wish i could be with my parents now. cause they are clearly able to understand the mental and physical changes i am goin through. my dad is a very short tempered person and totally strict. but from the time he knew i have thyroid cancer, he is this totally new understanding and loving father and i wish i was with them during such a period in my life. in india if a girl goes back to her parents house and stays there for months after marriage is totally not acceptable. so i am helpless and lonely here.

i dont drink, i dont smoke. i was a very good student in school. always a topper in what ever i do. i was always looked upon as a very pretty girl and i liked being looked upon as someone who did all her duties properly. i was a very good daughter to my parents. i was a very faithful girlfren to my boy fren but still god chose me to get this problem. i keep askin him why? why me? what wrong did i do to go through all this all by myself. why do i deserve this ?

i really love my husband a lot and miss the way he used to love me. we were so attached to each other but now all i can see is he is not happy to spend time with me. He feels i keep cribbing and whining all the time. i dont mean to but tats how i feel like sometimes. i feel like i have lost the one person whom i thought i had for myself. i feel neglected and even wen i feel like spending time with him i dont tell him cause i feel tat i will make him unhappy by askin to spend time with me.

he is tired of seeing me cry. once he used to feel sad wen he saw me crying but now he feels irritated wen i cry in front of him. because of which i cry all alone in the wash room almost everyday. wishing i had someone to talk to and to hold on.

i feel like this forum is keepin me alive.i feel like someone out there can feel exactly what im goin through. i ead a lot of discussions over here last night and i felt bad fr all of them. i keep prayin tat god should give us all the extreme power to face the new and tough life god has given us and to make people around us understand the state we are in.

Anyways today from the time i woke up i feel better. i have a slight headache but that is so frequent these days. And every time i get upset i have terrible headaches. Im not feelin depressed or sad right now but at the same time i am not happy either. i slept at 4 AM and got up at 12PM. Still im feelin little tired.

since no one is understanding me here, im planning to do a 1 yr course in fashion abroad. so tat i will take this time to get back myself to the same me that i was. i am having talks about it to my husband and hopefully soon ill get to do somethin. just prayin tat my results should turn out clean this time. keeping my fingers crossed.

i think im boring u with my long message :) thanks a,lot for listening to me and me problems and fears. I am feelin very happy tat there are people who can understand my pain. it means a lot to me. god bless you.

love,
girllon

LBlackman
Posts: 113
Joined: Mar 2011

Everything you are feeling is normal. It sounds like your husband is more of a downer instead of supporting you in your time of need. I hope you have a friend or someone you can talk to or trust. Julie is very helpful as are the others on this page. We are here for each other when nobody else understands us or knows how to react to our emotions. I am a survivor, six years out, have had no recurrances, there is hope. I am very depressed myself right now and am looking forward to my appt. Monday with the new endocrinologist. My scar was very unsightly at first, but I used scar creams and eventually it got better. Yours will too. Hang in there, we are always here for you!
Lynne

girllon
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2011

sorry for not being active so long. situation was not favorable at home. thanks a lot for ur message. i feel nice , if not for long at least while i read messages from people unknown to me yet some where connected to my feelings and thoughts. so nice to hear ur a 6 yr survivor. u must be quiet strong at heart. and my scar what ever i put, its still very prominent and i always feel my self esteem is low because of this. i really dont know when im gonna be able to come out of this. im just living with fear and hope everyday. thanks for ur message lynne. god bless you.

girllon
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2011

sorry for not being active so long. situation was not favorable at home. thanks a lot for ur message. i feel nice , if not for long at least while i read messages from people unknown to me yet some where connected to my feelings and thoughts. so nice to hear ur a 6 yr survivor. u must be quiet strong at heart. and my scar what ever i put, its still very prominent and i always feel my self esteem is low because of this. i really dont know when im gonna be able to come out of this. im just living with fear and hope everyday. thanks for ur message lynne. god bless you.

girllon
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2011

sorry for not being active so long. situation was not favorable at home. thanks a lot for ur message. i feel nice , if not for long at least while i read messages from people unknown to me yet some where connected to my feelings and thoughts. so nice to hear ur a 6 yr survivor. u must be quiet strong at heart. and my scar what ever i put, its still very prominent and i always feel my self esteem is low because of this. i really dont know when im gonna be able to come out of this. im just living with fear and hope everyday. thanks for ur message lynne. god bless you.

sunnyaz
Posts: 582
Joined: Oct 2010

Sorry I didn't respond sooner. I have been working a lot of hours at work. I work for a doctor and we just changed from paper medical charts to Electronic Medical Records. It's very difficult to get used to. The doctor I work for is VERY picky and mean. I take a lot of mental abuse from her. Luckily I have a good support staff. It's becoming harder to focus on taking care of our patients when all the computer/paperwork stuff gets in the way. Our patients do appreciate me and so does the support staff, so that makes it worth while. I get down too. It seems like I work so hard to make enough money just to pay the bills with nothing left over to have fun. Then when I get time for vacation, it's time for another surgery or treatment.

I am hoping the best for your upcoming scan. Usually the TSH level is kept elevated for a minimum of three years after cancer to prevent recurrence. And I worry if they lower your levels that you might become more depressed. Discuss this with the doctor at your next visit.

I am so sorry your husband doesn't have more sympathy for you. I know it's hard for those that have not experienced what we are going through. My husband doesn't really get it either. He is mostly supportive however and tries to understand. He listens to me and tries to keep me laughing.

It's never easy trying to figure out why we are affected by this terrible disease. The truth is, there is no absolute reason. It's not a punishment from our maker (God). There are more and more instances of Thyroid cancer each year and the researchers are making connections to environmental factors. We live in such a dirty world with so much chemical corruption. You did not cause this, it just happened to you.

You need to spend time visiting your mom and dad. I understand culture differences but I don't think they could blame you for wanting to visit your own family. Even if it is only once in a while; or as much as you can.

Going abroad would be a healthy thing for you. It will help build your self respect and esteem. You are a special and powerful woman. You are meant to be on this earth and you have a purpose. Please never forget that even when life seems to hit you hard.

You don't bore me with your messages. I come to this board for support too. We are all here for each other.

Blessings,
Julie-SunnyAZ

girllon
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2011

sorry i couldn't be active for so long. your messages are very helpful to me. i tried talkin to my husband about my problems but i feel its not how he looks at things. he likes to live life happy and fight free all the time so wen i create prob he feels irritated tat i spoil his peace. what triggers me to even feel the way just the opposite of how he feels i have no idea.

i look very normal from outside. so i guess unless someone sees a person sick physically, dont think they will understand what is actually goin inside of me. i was always very fond of my husband and i always wanted to spend all my free time with him. but from the time i had my first surgery, tat thought is even more cause im scared ill not get more time to be with him someday because of my prob.im scared ill miss being without him. but he feels pressurised wen im around i guess. he needs to divert his mind off from me. i am no more the girl to whom he came to wen he is down or wen he wantsto feel relaxed. instead i have become the one who makes his life miserable. and this thought kills me :(

anyways my last TSH levels are very much lower than my previous one so maybe because of that i feel even more down. i am having my whole body scan on sept 1st. so hopin things go smooth. my abroad plan is cancelled cause we couldnt afford it financially.

there has to be a reason as to y i am still alive. but im yet to figure out wat i am still here for. you are one of the sweetest person i ve ever met. u take ur precious time to make someone whom u dont even know to feel better. thanks alot. will keep u posted.. god bless.

nasher
Posts: 507
Joined: Apr 2010

I will say this first this defiantly brought me to tears.

I wish I had more free time this week to read these posts and get back to you sooner.

I am going over your posts and trying to come up with anything.

Julie is right about the weight levels and medication levels as well as many other things.

I see they have you on a generic version of synthroid and probably about the right amount based on your weight but your THS is very high so they may not have you on enough.

Are you taking your thyronorm with any other medications or food or anything? I ask this because you need to take it at least 4 hours after your last meal and at least 1 hour before you have anything else to eat to get full absorption of the medication.

For most people the scar dose fade over time but I also know most of us defiantly notice our own scar even though most others do not notice it.

As normally I agree with Julie that you need to
1) Find a support group of some sort
2) Try to educate your husband and in-laws about the condition
3) You may need to talk with a counselor or doctor about your sadness and about anti-depressants

Ask us as many questions as you want or feel like

Chat about whatever you feel like...

See if you can convince your husband to read this board and others as well it may help him understand.

NEVER worry about how long or short a post is. Sometimes it takes 1 line to say what you want to and others it takes multiple pages

If you look at this board you will see your post is by no means the longest.

I see that you have your whole body scan coming august.
Do you know if they will be putting you on Thyrogen shots or if you have to go off thyronorm for this?

I do recommend going to www.thyca.org and reading what they list for a Low Iodine Diet in preparation for your whole body scan.

I understand about your dilemma with going to your parents for a long period of time but maybe you can do shorter visits.

About the remark of
"i was a short tempered person before i got to know abt my thyroid problem so, now wen i show mood swings my husband tells me u were always like this so dont blame it on ur thyroid. "

I don’t know how long you knew your husband before you got married but one thing you might want to consider that for some people it can be years that your thyroid is affecting your mood and temper as well as many other things before the doctors figure out there is something wrong with your thyroid.

I do not know about the customs of your country but I know being a male in the United States it is not "manly" for us to cry... I cry now and then when I need to.

you may also want to talk to your doctor about your frequent headaches.

I try to check this board every day (or every other day) but this week has been a busy one for me and I really didn’t have a chance to read this before now.

It may also help if you can find another person who has been through or going through this thyroid cancer as well that is local. Again I do not know your countries customs so I do not know if this is possible for you or not.

I pray for a clean scan for you.

Craig

girllon
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2011

thanks a lot for your message. sorry i could not reply soon.

i have been having 150mcg and 175mcg on alternate days and i dont take any other tablets other than this. and right now i am off meds for the past one month since i have my whole body scan on sep 1. and my scar, i feel its still the same. so prominent and clearly visible. i dont i can ever take it off me :(

and in india u cant go to a doctor sayin u feel mentally depressed and u need help cause they immediately frame you as a crack pot and ul b tagged with it forever. i just have one of my best friend to talk to. she is the only ra of hope for me every time i feel depressed. even if i talk the same things over and over again, she still listens to me patiently and makes me feel better. at home i have no one like tat, cause i know they will not b able to listen to me over and over again and how miserable i am feeling. being around a miserable person like me only wants them to do other things to divert their mind off from me. so im left all alone wen i dont have her around.

and i think u have made a valid point. i was a very sober and polite girl till 2003, its from 2005 onwards i saw change in my behaviour. i had a boy friend then ( not my husband )so when my behaviour changes i thought its becuse he was mean to me my attitude is changing as a short tempered girl. and then we broke up. when i met my current husband in 2006, i was even more a short tempered person and im still the same. but right now i cry alone wen i feel angry cause i know by opening my mouth i will eventually end up getting hurt.

if i tell this to my husband he will say i am trying to blackmail him emotionally or in=m giving excuses. i get hurt every time i hear him say so.

i just wish i had someone who really loved me to understand the pain and trauma tat is still inside of me and help me. i know i am not perfect at all. i know its so snnoying to have someone sad for silly things around. but im helpless that god chose me to be tat sad person whom people dint enjoy being with. i wish i was this happy person who was loved by ppl to spend time with. i really wish :(

and i cant let out my identity here in india. i cannot openly let ppl know tat i had thyroid cancer. i have to hide it as long as i can. im just missing my mom so much this very minute. i feel like lying down on her shoulders and want her to comfort me sayin things will get ok soon and tat she loves me a lot :(..

thanks a lot for ur msg craig. itmeans a lot to me wehn i read all ur messages. god bless you..

Farzana25's picture
Farzana25
Posts: 24
Joined: Dec 2010

Hi there,

i know exctly how you feel.... i am from Bnagladesh. Not far from you. i was diagnosed with pappilary carcinoma in nov 2010.. and had my total thyroidtoctomy and RAI in Dec 2010.

i will have my check up this june. i know how u feel.its not ur fault dear. and its normal to feel this way. but be strong. u have survibed cancer not to be sad.. u r a strong person. coz u have the gutts to face anything now. i am a changed person now. and take life more positively... see the good side dear.... i have started to do things that i never thought of... learning swimming.....travleing..... learning cooking......so many things....

take care dear.. and dont be sad.

girllon
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2011

hey hope ur check up went well. and thanks for messaging. i want to be the strong person i always was. but now i feel i am so dependent on love and care. i feel insecure about everything and wen i talk about it outside, i am looked upon as a troubled person who is not good to be around. my husband himself finds ways to divert his mind off the trouble i create for him. he feels i have become this problem maker for him.he asks for a whole lot of space from me, which he never used to ask before. guess i have always beeen this irritable person tat no one likes to hang around with. i wish i can make him happy and make him want me like before.

thanks for ur advice though. ill try to take life as it comes. u take care with ur health too.. god bless you.

sunnyaz
Posts: 582
Joined: Oct 2010

Oh girllon, If I had the money I would send for you to come to the US to get the best treatment, help and let you get the education you want. I would give you big hugs and take care of you. I feel so badly for how life is treating you now. I wish you could leave your husband and go back home to your own family.

Women in our society are highly regarded and cared for. We are listened to and taken seriously, treated as equals and respected (for the most part, by most people). I think it is so sad how women are treated in your country. It's just not right and it's not in the best interest of humanity. You should be able to express your feelings, be understood and get the help you need.

I promise that if I win the Lottery I will send for you to come to the US to study and get treatment along with some counseling. Just in case you don't know, the Lottery is a form of gambling that makes people rich at random if you buy tickets. My husband and I buy tickets every week in hopes that I can retire and start a non-profit home to help people just like you. I would buy a big peaceful home on a ranch with lots of rooms and bathrooms in each bedroom suit so that I could take care of cancer patients in isolation, feed them the right diet and care for their children if they need. This is my dream.

My dream for you is to feel good about yourself again. I will keep you in my prayers and keep playing the Lottery.

Warmest Blessings,
Julie-SunnyAZ

girllon
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2011

so sweet of you to even say so :)we are financially sound but for my course we have to spend 15 to 20 lakhs ( Indian rupee ) some where between 4000 to 5000 dollars. Tat we could not afford at one stretch and we dont encourage taking loans in our house. but if at all i personally save enough money, i will someday fly down to see you :).

i love my husband a lot. he gives me most of the things without me asking it but he really does not seem to understand wat is that i really am in need for. i am not at all a materialistic person. so all tat i always expect and especially at this time is unconditional love and companionship. i am 25 and he is 27. i feel we rushed into marriage and tat is y i am suffering now. maybe i should have given him some time to accept wat has happened to me and then should have married. maybe time would have made me or both of us realise tat things might not work out and i would have not married him. love alone is not enough to be together. i just realised that.

and its so nice of you guys to have such a big vision of helping people. and i pray and wish you make it to ur dream one day. keeping u and all who r in need of love in my prayers.

loads of love.

amorriso
Posts: 186
Joined: Oct 2010

Hi: Where are you living now? Are you in India? I am in Muscat Oman where I am a teacher. You are most welcome to visit if you are in this part of the world.

I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer one year ago - 2 surgeries later and 2 RAIs. My doctor did an ultrasound yesterday and its looked good. We'll do more scans in October.

It is difficult to deal with this disease on your own so I understand how you are feeling. I am single, and away from family, so I have had to rely on friends that I have made here. I actually found family to be more difficult to deal with! I have certain friends that I talk with if I have a bad day - the others I dont bother - I've learned that some people cant deal with illness. I think it makes them too afraid to face the reality that it could happen to them.

I try to do little things that help me get my life back to normal - I make myself walk, cook, read, etc. I had to force myself somedays to follow a routine, but its really helped get me back to feeling like me.

Its sounds like you have a difficult marriage - that does not help. Please write anytime you need to "talk". I check the forum ofter.

Do take care and remember you are NOT alone.

Andree

girllon
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2011

hey.. i am born and brought up in india and i am currently put up at Tamil nadu, in chennai. and thanks a lot for your invite. :)

good to know that your scan reports and good and pray and wish they come the same forever. i feel my parents were and are very supportive. but in life it so happens that when there are people to give u enough love and care, u over see that and wish to get the same from someone else who cannot give u the love and care your looking for. i realise how much i miss my parents love once i got married. My husband cares for me but he cannot understand wat i go thorough. i am so used to being dependent on him for my mental stability tat right now i am suffering wen i don get his support.

finding out ways to improve my inner strength and find a reason to keep moving on in life and take life positively for me.

And thanks for ur message. reading such caring messages makes me feel less lonely. take care and god bless you.

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