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The Black Hole...

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

I could get lost in it... if I let myself, this darkness.

There is still so much to do for my husband's Celebration of Life on June 18th, and I have gone back to work. There certainly has been enough to keep me occupied during the day but my nights are dark and quiet... my heart aches for him. The space beside me lies vacant for the first time in 12 years. Honestly, I really don't think it is the number of years as much as it is the way my husband filled my life so fully. How we balanced each other for good and no so perfect. In divorce you know the other person in your life is gone from you but not lost forever. But dead is dead, forever. I am left picking up the pieces in my life that my husband left behind in his battle with cancer. This void I am feeling now, as I was always fighting against time for him/his cause... always with the thought of hope and love for him, for me, for us.

And now this black hole...

Letting go... of my best friend. Today? Tomorrow? When?

I've got to find my way to light again because I know that is what he would want me to do. My husband was a builder of things, a master of tinkering, always busy with life. He loved the wind in his face riding his Harley, "Live To Ride". He would not want to see me suffering so, I know it would hurt him if he could feel my heart breaking in two right now.

How do I let go of our dreams?

Peace to all,
Deb

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Deb,

Sorry for your loss. My husband will be gone a year on June 14. Things are maybe a little easier, but certainly not good. I don't think we ever let go. How do we let go of someone who has been such a major part of our everyday life. I believe things will gradually get better over time, but I think it will be a long time.

I feel such sadness when I see couples our age out and about or a friend mentions she and her husband are going away for a weekend. We had just finished putting 3 children through college and this was going to be our time. He was diagnosed 2 months before the last one graduated from college.

I know my husband would want me to pick myself up and find that spark for living again. It is so very hard. I compare his absence to a limb amputation. I know I have to go on, I just have to figure out how. But I've seen others go through this and get to the other side and have to believe that we will too. It takes time, time, time.

Hang in there Deb.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1627
Joined: Aug 2009

We never forget or let go of our love. It has been a little over a year and a half for me. We were married for 42 years, and I agree the time together isn't as important as our love. Loneliness is loneliness. We are used to being two and now we are one. It takes time to adjust. I'm still doing that. We don't let go as much as we hold tight to our love as we move forward. Time has made it easier to do that. Our loved one and the time we had together will always be a part of who I am. Some days will be better than others. Fay

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

It was not so very long ago that I remember sharing what was going on in our lives, our husband's treatments, being positive warriors for them. I remember when you thought you were going to have to get married again!

Now, we speak and share of our loss, and the sorrow that we feel. In seven days, it will mark six months of Dennis being gone. I do feel like I have progressed in so many ways, but I must tell you that it doesn't take much to set me back some. I feel blessed that I am able, for the most part, to bounce back again, but not before I have cried it out, written about how it feels in my journal and prayed for peace and calm to blanket me.

I suppose I will for the rest of my life, have these feelings on occasion. I am just praying and hoping that the pain subsides and the time in between becomes longer.

As you wrote, Bob and Dennis, and all the beloved spouses that have gone, would not wish for us to carry this hurt for long. We would not wish it for them, if the roles were reversed. But, I suppose that we must feel the pain and labor of this new life for reasons that are unknown to us.

You will be in my heart and thoughts, may you be surrounded with love and friendship, help when you need it, and may your pain lessen just a little bit with each passing day. Be patient, allow yourself the time you need to mourn your great love, and hold the hope of a sweeter tomorrow.

Lucy

UKLady's picture
UKLady
Posts: 85
Joined: Jan 2011

I think we pretty much are on the same page. I am having a mood a minute-yes/no/maybe up down and around.

I have been sick with a virus for a week,can't shake it off-amazing that on that adrenaline ride for so long we are fine-stop and the body throws it in.Felt fine til Monday then the brick wall April once mentioned was right there waiting.

The house is so silent, so I took the tip of keeping something, anything on. Odd that when Steve slept so much either from chemo or radiation, these last months.

I so wish my daughter were here to be with me-she says I only need ask and she will fly back from her conservation work in Asia,she thought she had timed it right from oncology reports with an August trip to Dallas before she returns to the UK again-so its going to be a long haul til then.

My problem is - I have too much time to think now and wish I had had time to put more roots down here in Texas before Steve's diagnosis and like others who have posted on the forum, we just got so busy and happy in our new life together, we kept too much to ourselves, so I need to remedy that beyond counseling.Church here can be very anonymous so I am thinking I should try a class or something fun. Ideas anyone?

Lyndsey - in a blue mood-sorry!

onlyhuman
Posts: 102
Joined: Sep 2009

Deb

I am so sorry for your loss.

When I first lost my husband 18 months ago, I felt cheated. We had moved to the city from the country just 8 months before he was diagnosed and I lost him 10 months after diagnosis. This was supposed to be our city adventure. We had been working towards this goal for 8 years.

But you know what I realised? Love does not die. I still love him and our dreams still mean something to me so I made a list again and tackled the list as best I knew how. I bought a new house for myself and my 2 girls. As hubby and I had agreed I gave away almost all of our furniture and started from scratch. I think he'd like our new place.

I continue to pursue the long term goals we had for the girls.

I am doing it for both of us because it feels right and because I still feel loved by him. There are so many things in the house that remind me that he loved me and who is to say that just because he is not here with me he has stopped?

Maybe some day in the future I may meet someone else and share different dreams with that person. But I dont think that will change the love I have for my late husband.

Make no mistake. I am moving forward and I am coping better but I choose not to let go of the love.

It is early days yet for you. Please be kind to yourself.

Kind regards
ST

wiveliscombe
Posts: 47
Joined: Feb 2010

I think I have fallen into the Black Hole. When I lost my husband George 4 months ago we had been married for 38 years, I felt that there was a big hole next to me where he always was and I had to try so hard from falling in, just kept going around the edges and holding on. I was doing alright but now it feels like I have fallen in and I don't know how to get back out and go on. I am new to the area, we'd moved to be closer to the hospital just a few months before George passed and so have no support here and feel very lost and lonely. I'm not even sure if I want to stay here but don't know where I want to be either and I guess now is not the right time to make those kind of decisions.
I know you all here will understand, I feel anyone else I talk to seems to think it's been long enough now and I should be better, how little do they know. I find it comforting to read all your posts and thank you all for sharing.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1627
Joined: Aug 2009

Have you connected with the Cancer Center at St Joseph's hospital in Stockton? I have heard that they have some good programs for survivors and caregivers. Also, the ACS in Stockton might have some groups you can try. The social worker in the cancer center and the hospice chaplin there are really good people. Doug had his first surgery there and we were really pleased with the support they offered following his dx. Fay

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