Jun 01, 2011 - 1:49 am
I haven't slept well in the past few nights. 'T' is still at rehab and she is lonely and depressed. She is very deceiving. I think that we are really connecting but then she is totally convinced that there is a secret door in her room that goes to a non-existent basement. It's hard to step into her reality. Until today, she seemed to be getting stronger. At her chemo appt she was walking very slow with the walker due to severe back pain. PET scans are ordered for this week.
I know that she wants to come home. I told her I am afraid to leave her alone - I often take our son places, school, etc. She said that I will have to trust her that she would not do anything that she did not think she can do. I am more worried about other things happening physically that are most unpleasant. There are just some things I do not think I can go through again.
Our son and I are going away to family functions for 12 days and I am worried that they will want to release her before we go. Our parents and siblings do not live here. I have worked hard on myself not to feel guilty, but this one I am having a hard time with. I know she wants to come home (geez - her roommate is 92 and she is 49), but she might have to wait until we come back.
Over Memorial Day weekend we went to visit her every day (it's a half hour highway drive one way). Not easy with a typical 3 year-old who is testing me every moment of the day. I am glad the weather was good so that we could run around the court yard at the home/rehab. My patience is running very thin and I do not want to take my frustration out on him. This really scares me.
How do I grieve the current losses and manage the difficult road ahead with a 3 year-old counting on me? I am so scared. I can't sleep now because I am stuffed up from crying. I have felt so much stronger, but I feel it slipping away. All my friends have their own lives and families that sometimes I just do not hear from them. It just makes me feel so lonely now because I need to be around people. Since I don't work (quit to take care of son) I don't really have steady interaction with adults. Even when we do get together, we are always interrupted by our kids. Worst of all, I can't even share these feelings with my wife.
Thanks for letting me vent. Tomorrow I have to kick start myself and find a way through. And I thought puberty and college was hard.
Peace to you all,