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Need to vent

donnare
Posts: 266
Joined: Jun 2009

I'm truly amazed at how callous and uncaring some people can be, even family. You really see who cares and who doesn't when cancer enters your life, or the life of your loved one, don't you? Their true colors come glaring through their bullsh!t, and you see them for the small, hypocritical, selfish, self-absorbed a-holes they actually are. The standard line "...oh, if you need anything, just call"... like you'd actually call or reach out for comfort to someone who bascially ignores you and your family, yeah, right! What do they think, they'll catch cancer if they get too close? Or is it that your situation interferes with their self absorbed view of positivity at all costs? I'm actually afraid that if the worst happens, and God forbid my husband does not survive this, that at his funeral I will be unable to tolerate the hypocrites who come with their sympathy then, and will just explode on each and every one of them.

Sorry, needed to vent, bad day ....

dearfoam's picture
dearfoam
Posts: 82
Joined: Apr 2011

but I have noticed some people switch gears given time as they process what's going on. they certainly don't have the direct perspective you've got being on the frontline. it does help to think of even just a couple little things to ask them to do, to delegate some errands/ sitting/ etc so thy can get an idea of what it's like. if they don't want to help then so be it.

donnare
Posts: 266
Joined: Jun 2009

thx for your reply ... it is a bad day, two year anniversary of my husband's dx. After 2 years, if some people don't get it, especially family members, I'm afraid they never will. Sometimes I think we are an unwanted distraction from the bubble that we all live in until tragedy strikes - you know, the "it happens to someone else" thing, and for some, I'm sorry to say I think it is self absorption of the worst kind. But I feel better already, just for having given voice the the nasty stuff in my head in a safe place - kind of released it, if you know what I mean. I've got some good people around me too - it's not always all bad, but it is an eye opener, and I guess a lesson in tolerance too. I know I have alot to be thankful for also - although my husband is Stage 4 colorectal, he is still here and relatively healthy, still working (that part sucks - wish he was rich and could do whatever his heart desired,but it's also probably good for his mind at times - even though his boss is one of the people I'm referring to), and he is hopefully still a candidate for surgery to remove the right lobe of his liver in September. He just had a portal vein embolization on Thursday, and now we have to wait four weeks to make sure the left side of his liver will grow to accomodate the removal of his right side. Just scared and a little sad too today. Thx again for responding.

rogina2336's picture
rogina2336
Posts: 188
Joined: Apr 2011

Hang in there your husband knows who is sincere and is there for him. I had the exact opposite happen with all this love and attention pouring out for him after diagnoses from all these people who could give a s@#$ less before. He was just diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer in Nov of 2010. I was happy to hear that your husband was still working and feeling fair. My husband will have his 12th tx in June and then we have a month wait and see. Really scared but he feels pretty good most of the time. Kim

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I think it is true that some people just don't get it. Others don't know what to say or do, so they don't do anything. Still others think that he must be ok if he can still work. Even just a short time before I lost my husband, people would say, "He looks so good." What they didn't seem to realize was that they only saw him when he was feeling pretty good. I actually had some people tell me that they didn't really think he was going to die. Like we would make something like that up?! For the most part, I chose to think that most people meant well. I did find that when I asked people to do specific things for me, that they really did want to help. They just didn't know how. Some thanked me for giving them something to do. I guess unless they have walked a mile in our shoes, they can't understand how much a simple invitation to dinner or a hand with the yard can mean. Then again there are those who not only don't get it, but just don't care. Glad you came here to vent. We do get it, and we do care. Fay

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