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Saying Goodbye To My Best Friend

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

I think I'm going to be sick... my head hurts, the tears come when I don't want them to, people hug me when I'm not ready to receive them. I'm so not ready for this!

Bob's doctor's appointment on Tuesday, MRI - no new tumors... that was the good news. The days leading up to that appointment were scarey, I didn't think I was going to get Bob to his appointment to even hear the results. There was lots of brain swelling, that was causing all the pain. The doctor was going to send the MRI to the brain specialist for further reading. So...... Bob needed help now, so they send him into the room to get re-hydrated, more pain medicine. To make a long story short, it was a long night of not being able to walk, a couple of falls, not being able to talk and an ambulance ride to the hospital the next morning.

From May 19th's MRI to a CT scan in the Emergency Room on May 25th Bob has even more brain swelling, not just "bleeding" but hemorrhaging in his brain because of the melanoma tumors. That explains all the trouble he has been having. The brain surgeon wants to do a brain shunt to relieve the pressure on Bob's brain from the fluid but it won't relieve the hemorhaging, it would just relieve the pressure/pain. The hemorhaging is what is causing all the thinking, talking, seeing, not being able to walk problems. Bob and I have had lots of talks about quality of life and this doctor would rather see my husband who is a very physical type of guy turned into a man who chose not to live that way... no can do...

Quality vs Quantity... decision made. Next day this same surgeon had the balls to come into the quality care room we were moved into and said he conferred with Bob's first tumor surgeon (his partner) from January and this surgeon agreed that I had made the right decision for Bob... duh!

So sorry this is long... but I am angry, angry about the process of losing my husband and angry about the system. One, Bob signed an "Advanced Directive" - this kind of indicated how he would like to live, doesn't it? I tried as his wife to do that for him. Emotional time for everyone involved, and it certainly was not a time for me to be intimated by a smart ass surgeon!

Plan is to get Bob home with Hospice's help... my daughter and her boyfriend are moving in to help me. We are talking anywhere to a couple of weeks, maybe a month.

Did I say my stomach hurt?

This has been sooooooo hard. I know there a those of you that are on this road already but now when I hold my husband's hand and I know I will never hear the words "I love you" back to me... ever again, it's finally hitting home. With a sinking heart, I type this and my tears a flowing again and soon my life as I know it will forever be changed.

Thank you for being here, AGAIN.

Deb
lovingwife, to Bob stage 4 melanoma

Noellesmom
Posts: 1317
Joined: Aug 2010

Praying for you all, Deb.

I'm sorry you are where you are in this walk. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I want to say it doesn't matter what the out-of-line doctor said but I know it does. You are carrying out Bob's wishes and that is what is most important.

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

This sucks, this hurts, and I'm mad too.

I'm so sorry hun. I understand how hard it is not being able to hear "I love you." Do your best to take things one thing, one moment at a time. You have no regrets, do your very best not to let the woulda coulda shoulda's get you down.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,
Loves and hugs,
April

mr steve
Posts: 286
Joined: Sep 2009

We send you Prayers.

steve

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

Sending love and prayers in this difficult time

arndog64's picture
arndog64
Posts: 538
Joined: Mar 2011

My heart aches for you. Sending prayers to you and your family.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1317
Joined: Aug 2010

How did the meeting with the nutritionist go, arndog? Waiting to hear.

mrsbotch
Posts: 377
Joined: Oct 2010

Dear Deb

I am usually on the esophageal cancer site. I lost my precious husband Vince on Feb 23rd, 2011. Everything you have said or feel I have also felt and said.Vince and I have been together since 1980.We were married almost 28 years. he is my best friend, my lover, and was everything to me. I cannot believe he is gone. Everyone says it gets easier but so far thats not the case. We laso had hospice at the end. The one thing that I will never regret is the last 3 days of his life I never left his side except to eat and shower. I laid in the bed with him and held his hand. He died in my arms. I HATE CANCER. Any kind. It has robbed all of us of so much. Please cherish every moment you have left with your Bob.

I am so sorry for all of us

Barb

UNBEARABLE's picture
UNBEARABLE
Posts: 23
Joined: Aug 2010

Deb,
It has been 7 mos since I lost my best friend and soulmate. I still feel sick to my stomach. My heart is in pieces and you are right...we are forever changed once again. I wish I had the words to comfort you...but there are none. I wish I could say there is light at the end of the tunnel...but I can't see it. I wish I could say it gets easier....but it doesn't. I wish I could say I don't miss hearing "Goodmorning Beautiful" ...but I still do. I am no longer complete... I do send all of the prayers I have to you. As the tears are running down my face, I think how many more people have to go through this? This disease has taken so much and made things so hard for so many. It is just is not fair. I know you will have the strength to get through the hardest days you probably will ever face...somehow that strength does come. Know you are NOT alone. Know that you can email me or call me (we can exchange numbers via email) at ANY TIME of the night as those are the hardest. I found this site way before my husband died. I picked the name unbearable because that was the way I felt every single day. I had no idea the world would get more unbearable. I'm 38 yrs old and a widow...who could ever imagine or prepare for this? May God be with you and your family.
All my love,
Nicole

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