May 27, 2011 - 3:08 am
I think I'm going to be sick... my head hurts, the tears come when I don't want them to, people hug me when I'm not ready to receive them. I'm so not ready for this!
Bob's doctor's appointment on Tuesday, MRI - no new tumors... that was the good news. The days leading up to that appointment were scarey, I didn't think I was going to get Bob to his appointment to even hear the results. There was lots of brain swelling, that was causing all the pain. The doctor was going to send the MRI to the brain specialist for further reading. So...... Bob needed help now, so they send him into the room to get re-hydrated, more pain medicine. To make a long story short, it was a long night of not being able to walk, a couple of falls, not being able to talk and an ambulance ride to the hospital the next morning.
From May 19th's MRI to a CT scan in the Emergency Room on May 25th Bob has even more brain swelling, not just "bleeding" but hemorrhaging in his brain because of the melanoma tumors. That explains all the trouble he has been having. The brain surgeon wants to do a brain shunt to relieve the pressure on Bob's brain from the fluid but it won't relieve the hemorhaging, it would just relieve the pressure/pain. The hemorhaging is what is causing all the thinking, talking, seeing, not being able to walk problems. Bob and I have had lots of talks about quality of life and this doctor would rather see my husband who is a very physical type of guy turned into a man who chose not to live that way... no can do...
Quality vs Quantity... decision made. Next day this same surgeon had the balls to come into the quality care room we were moved into and said he conferred with Bob's first tumor surgeon (his partner) from January and this surgeon agreed that I had made the right decision for Bob... duh!
So sorry this is long... but I am angry, angry about the process of losing my husband and angry about the system. One, Bob signed an "Advanced Directive" - this kind of indicated how he would like to live, doesn't it? I tried as his wife to do that for him. Emotional time for everyone involved, and it certainly was not a time for me to be intimated by a smart ass surgeon!
Plan is to get Bob home with Hospice's help... my daughter and her boyfriend are moving in to help me. We are talking anywhere to a couple of weeks, maybe a month.
Did I say my stomach hurt?
This has been sooooooo hard. I know there a those of you that are on this road already but now when I hold my husband's hand and I know I will never hear the words "I love you" back to me... ever again, it's finally hitting home. With a sinking heart, I type this and my tears a flowing again and soon my life as I know it will forever be changed.
Thank you for being here, AGAIN.