May 26, 2011 - 10:47 pm
Wow it's been awhile since i've even been here...
But Here I am Caregiver to my father with stage IV stomach/esophagus cancer.
Today was the day we had been waiting for, the day he had his scope and espohagus dialation. We thought just get through today and everything would be fine again. He'd be able to eat and drink again. I thought He wouldn't be in quite as much misery, pain and suffering... Nice thought.
Sitting in the surgical center..My nerves going crazy..as I have agoraphobia for those that don't know what it is..Fear of people and public places...anyway.. Finally we get called back to talk to the doctor as my dad is wheeled into the recovery room just like last time *last time everything was a success*
Expecting to hear "everything went great we were able to stretch the esophagus to the 18 cm like they were expected to do" .....well not the case...instead we see the doctor walk in running his hands through his hear and putting on a fake smile...one of those you know is forced by many years of training....
Here is what we hear... "Well, Things didn't go as well as we hoped..we had trouble even getting the scope in the esophagus, after blowing up "balloons" we made a little progress...we were not able to dialate much more than the span of the scope 9cm or mm i can never remember....anyway they stretched it to 11-13 if they were lucky.. Then he brought the pictures out... I thought I was prepared...but I looked and you saw the tumor where the opening should be..it made me feel sick instantly.. he took and pointed and said as you can see the obstruction...it's not scar tissue... we aren't sure how deeply rooted the "obstruction " is... I finally looked at him and said why don't you just say it.. The TUMOR... he said you are very observant yes the tumor...everything else is quite a blur at the moment.
After being to my dad's oncologist just last week being told "you are responding very well to treatment, the tumor is significantly shrinking, ect..
SIGNIFICANTLY SHRINKING???? wait how is it shrinking if it is growing... I just don't get it anymore. so now next step...
We are to see the thoracic surgeons in a week or so after the swelling goes down. Im having a real hard time with all this. Sitting there listening to these doctors was almost like being diagnosed all over.
I am generally a very strong person. But today has been horrible. I came home today from the surgery center went directly upstairs crawled in bed pulled the cover up and sobbed uncontrolably for over two hours... I feel like someone has kicked me in my stomach, and knocked the wind out of me. Im not sure what to do from here.
I've been the one to hold everyone together through all this and now im falling apart... any suggestions / help would be greatly appreciated...
In Desperate Need!!