May 22, 2011 - 8:57 pm
So once you are on the ride there is no getting off, right? Maybe for some people there is but not for those who lead with their heart. For some of us there is only one ride and that is sitting right beside their loved one holding on for dear life. Because the one person who didn't ask to be on the roller coaster ride of cancer is really the one who does the suffering. Sure doesn't make it easy though, not for me.
These last few weeks have been unbearable for me to witness. I lost my mother to lung cancer/emphysema on May 19th, 2011. The one person in my life who loved me unconditionally no matter what was going on in my life, no matter if we agreed or disagreed. I last saw her and was able to say good-bye on Mother's Day.
On the drive home from my visit with my mom, my husband calls to tell me (he did not go with me) he is in the hospital. 2 blood clots, one in each lung. Since he has been treated for melanoma, mets in the brain they can not give him blood thinners... a filter will have to do and the clots will have to break up on their own. Not a good sign. MRI done on his brain last week, results are will be given on Tuesday. Each day he has gotten worse. I came home from work and he couldn't remember what day it was, what time it was. He couldn't remember how to work the microwave. We usually do our grocery shopping together on Friday night after work... I did by myself on Saturday. He's taking lots of naps, he's favoring his left side, he shuffles. He can't hold a discussion anymore with me. He loves his iphone and now ignores it. His bike has been torn apart for the last week. If he was having trouble with the microwave I knew he was not going to be able to get it back together. I had to call in a friends help. I hope my husband never finds what I did. I wonder if he will ever be able to ride again?
I'm not sure if I should leave him home alone anymore...
And... my eyes are wet now at a moments notice when they didn't used to be
And... I worry about Tuesday's results...
My armor is cracking...