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Virtual Hugs To Everyone Here... Can I Give You Back My Ticket For This Roller Coaster Ride?

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

So once you are on the ride there is no getting off, right? Maybe for some people there is but not for those who lead with their heart. For some of us there is only one ride and that is sitting right beside their loved one holding on for dear life. Because the one person who didn't ask to be on the roller coaster ride of cancer is really the one who does the suffering. Sure doesn't make it easy though, not for me.

These last few weeks have been unbearable for me to witness. I lost my mother to lung cancer/emphysema on May 19th, 2011. The one person in my life who loved me unconditionally no matter what was going on in my life, no matter if we agreed or disagreed. I last saw her and was able to say good-bye on Mother's Day.

On the drive home from my visit with my mom, my husband calls to tell me (he did not go with me) he is in the hospital. 2 blood clots, one in each lung. Since he has been treated for melanoma, mets in the brain they can not give him blood thinners... a filter will have to do and the clots will have to break up on their own. Not a good sign. MRI done on his brain last week, results are will be given on Tuesday. Each day he has gotten worse. I came home from work and he couldn't remember what day it was, what time it was. He couldn't remember how to work the microwave. We usually do our grocery shopping together on Friday night after work... I did by myself on Saturday. He's taking lots of naps, he's favoring his left side, he shuffles. He can't hold a discussion anymore with me. He loves his iphone and now ignores it. His bike has been torn apart for the last week. If he was having trouble with the microwave I knew he was not going to be able to get it back together. I had to call in a friends help. I hope my husband never finds what I did. I wonder if he will ever be able to ride again?

I'm not sure if I should leave him home alone anymore...

And... my eyes are wet now at a moments notice when they didn't used to be

And... I worry about Tuesday's results...

My armor is cracking...

Deb
lovingwife to Bob, stage 4 melanoma

luv2cut1's picture
luv2cut1
Posts: 285
Joined: Oct 2010

There is nothing I can say that could possibly make you feel better. I cannot believe how strong you are. Please know you have been in my thoughts and prayers for a long time now and will continue to be. I do know about hanging on to the one you love for dear life.

Huge (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) to you.

Myka

dearfoam's picture
dearfoam
Posts: 82
Joined: Apr 2011

I am going through something similar with my dad, melanoma stage 4 with mets to brain and lungs, spleen, and now the clots in both lungs which sent him to ER today (they are starting him on Lovenox as the lesser risk for his current situation). spent a the first 2 1/2 weeks (late March - early April 2011) with no kind of treatment and he got really out of it like this. Once he started the steroids and whole brain radiation, it helped a LOT. I hope Tuesday's MRI results will yield some quick treatment to ease the symptoms for you both.
-Kate

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Oh, Deb, this is not at all what we wished for. I understand you not wanting to leave him alone, but since nobody knows and loves Bob better than you in the whole world, you'll have to go with your gut on that one.

As if losing your dear mother wasn't enough. It would crack anyone's armor.

karenbeth's picture
karenbeth
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

Just sending big hugs to you, and wishes for better news for Bob.

Karen

Noellesmom
Posts: 1291
Joined: Aug 2010

I'm so sorry you are going through this, Deb.

Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Hugs.

mr steve
Posts: 286
Joined: Sep 2009

Prayers and Hugs!

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

I ache for you...you have so much to deal with. I am so sorry you have to go through this. While I have never met you, I can so feel your despair. From my time here I know there are others aching for you but I also have learned this as well...they have generously put their own despair aside for a moment and are rooting for you as well...hopefully that gives you some comfort. The people here have given me something no one else I know could.
This forum is full of angels. I pray for you and your husband. Elizabeth

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

It's hard sometimes to know the right thing to say. I'm here, if you need to vent PM me anytime.

Sending all the love I can.

April

micgrace
Posts: 131
Joined: May 2011

I would love to get off as well. We have been chosen, ready or not to be carers. it sucks, no one recognises your own personal turmoil, the lost opportunities and finally the loss of a loved one. And worse any personal needs we have are thrown out the window. For me, back to the darn hospital. My research career is on hold. Income earning is on hold. And then the unknown future filled with dread without the love of my life. Its a raw deal. I am virtually numb most of the time.

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

I just wish I had some magic words for you. All I can say is please take care and there are many of us here for you.

AngKad42
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2011

Deb HUGS for you and Bob, my heart aches for you both and I pray everyday for you both. I know there is nothing I can say to take the hurt away, but know we are here for you, with love and thoughts and prayers. Angie and Tom

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Thinking of you. I have no words of wisdom. Just wanted you to know I am here. Waiting for test results is always hard. Hope yours are better than you might expect. You will find the strenghth. Somehow, some where we do. Hang in there. Fay

mr steve
Posts: 286
Joined: Sep 2009

Deb,

It is tuff waiting. We are all in this mess together. Were waiting to see if we get into a trial, waiting for the last chemo to clear her system before we start another, then waiting to see results, more test... Just want to send you a Hug. Let your armor crack and we will all stand in front to protect you...

Steve

coping in CA
Posts: 20
Joined: May 2011

You are strong, trust your heart and come here often. My wife has been at rehab for 6 weeks and we have a 3.5 year old. I am scared for her to come home since she needs to have someone around 24/7 so that she does not fall or do something that could hurt herself. Yet, she wants to be at home. Who wouldn't. (Lung cancer since 2009, mets to brain and csf)

I, too, was confused the other day - I couldn't remember how to get to my softball game. This is all a part of the agonizing process.

I came across a song not too long ago - "Those who sow with tears, reap with joy."- Debbie Friedman. Time will allow this to happen.

Take care and be good to yourself. Lots of prayers and love your way...

Shari

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Haven't been on here for awhile. Sounds like you're having a rough time. Sorry about your mom, but she's at peace now. Please remember all the happy times with her. And also I'm sorry for what you're going through with your hubby. Gosh, why does this have to happen.
It just doesnt seem fair for one person to have to suffer so much with so many things going on.
You've been strong, so don't let your armor crack!! I really think you should spend as much time as you can with your husband. It sounds like things aren't getting any better so just cherish every day with him and let him know you're there for him.
I have recently gotten a puppy which is really keeping me busy. SHe's a "morkie" which is a part maltese and part yorkie. She is only 10 weeks old and have had her almost 2 weeks.
Haven't been on here as much anymore, but will keep checking in occasionally.
Take care Deb & be strong!! Carole

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