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#5 Could today get worse?

Lisa13Q's picture
Lisa13Q
Posts: 683
Joined: Jul 2009

OK, this one may not be so amusing.....I just left sister's house (lets call her W for future reference). She had just gotten off phone with Mom's gyn/onc who sounds like she bursted sister's denial bubble big time....Now I feel badly for W. Doctor told W that there was no way Mom was going to get avastin next week (yes Mom and W have been thinking we are going into the city for chemo next week)that idea has been nixed....and gyn/onc sounded like she was very very direct with W about end of life issues.....W is definitely struggling....She relayed to me that Doc is also going to be asking Mom some really tough questions about what she wants for end of life as well....I suspect doc will be gentle with Mom and was just prepping my sister today.....W is now freaking out about next week...."It is going to be horrible".....I somehow don't think it is going to be horrible.....Mom has to know on some level this is coming and she handled the questions today from the nurse very well....I also think Doc knows how to do this.....I am glad I am going to be there....I have to admit I am VERY SAD.....W's denial allowed me a little denial as well....W also expressed to me tremendous anxiety about Mom dying in her house....she's terrified about how to handle that....i have to think on that one SECOND ISSUE: I had to inject my mother in the stomach with heparin...that has to be a new low for me with this disease and my life....W said she just can't do it so I am the designated injectioner.....folks, I can say with with 100% conviction, sticking a needle in my mother's stomach truly sucks......I have to do this on a daily basis....I am also very confused at the moment about everyone's need to see this as the end game...Mom still wants to fight and I think she should fight as long as she wants.....I see this like a tennis match....someone has to win, and we all know it will be the cancer, but i think Mom has the right to fight until the end of the matchif she wants to.....I get this feeling that she feels like because people are talking to her about the end, she has to give up fighting.....I don't see those as mutually exclusive...I hope I can figure out a way to say that in our meeting....Soooooo I haven't anything amusing at the moment...just gratitude for this board as a place for me to come and journal....I might look for all my posts someday just to see where this journey has taken me......I am soooo sad.....and so glad that Mom and I have been hanging..tonight we watched fox news and then Hollywood extra ......earlier today we talked about her not being here anymore....and I said to her, "you told me you'd be around".....she replied "Oh I will be and you'll feel me, but it won't be the same as having me here".....and I told her I really didn't understand what that meant, but I trusted that she knew something I didn't because of where she was at.....it's true, it won't be the same.....I will miss her so much......as I drove back to her apartment tonight and passed all the houses, I wondered what dramas were unfolding behind each of those doors and windows....I pray that each of you warriors have the strength to battle as long as you want....and that your caretakers have the strength to cheer you on.....in the end though, I am realizing that my mother's match is going to be over soon, and when I am driving home from the stadium, there isn't going to be anyone in the passenger seat with me.....it is going to be a long and lonely drive......Thank you all for listening.....

LaundryQueen's picture
LaundryQueen
Posts: 682
Joined: Mar 2011

Thanks for sharing your very personal journey. I understand what your mom is talking about re: "I'll still be around." I can't explain it but I know that at the very least your mom will live on in your memory.

(((HUGS)))

LQ

Hissy_Fitz's picture
Hissy_Fitz
Posts: 1869
Joined: Sep 2009

I agree 100%...it's your mom's call. If she can fight, and wants to fight, then do all you can to cheer her own. I won't be going gently into that good night, either. It's too bad they won't give her the Avastin. It doesn't have a lot of side effects and it would at least make her feel like she was putting up a fight. My (late) husband went for chemo on Thursday and died the following Tuesday. It was his call, and I was good with whatever he wanted to do.

My family has a long history of dying in our own homes, so it doesn't freak me out in the least. It would be extremely hard to sell your mom on the idea of moving her to the hospital or a skilled nursing facility without making her feel abandoned in her hour of need, but if W is truly weirded out by the possibility, I certainly wouldn't hold it against her. A lot of hospitals have Hospice accommodations.

I won't lie to you. I miss my mom and it's been 20 years. It is, however, the natural order of things. We bury our parents, and our children bury us. Some of us believe we will all meet up again one day, and that's comforting, but it doesn't really make it hurt less.

If you can get the end of life issues discussed and out of the way, it will actually be a relief, and then you and W can concentrate on making as many memories with her, and reliving old ones, for however long you can.

My mom died suddenly and I always felt like I never had that chance - a few days or weeks to tie up all the loose ends and say goodbye. Maybe that's easier, or maybe it's just a whole other set of issues. Either way, it sucks.

Hugs, Lisa. Big hugs and lots of them.

Carlene

PS....I give myself shots in the stomach. Not fun.

jbeans888's picture
jbeans888
Posts: 313
Joined: Mar 2011

Lisa, I can feel how sad you are. I can't imagine what you are going thru as a caregiver watching your mother. I can now only imagine how my own mother, who is my caregiver, would feel about me in that situation. It is sad and scary. I wish I can give you s big hug. Just remember that cancer may take her body, but it will NEVER take who she is as a spirit.

Cafewoman53's picture
Cafewoman53
Posts: 732
Joined: Jul 2010

It sounds like your Mom is doing okay, it sounds like you will get some relief after the Dr talks to your Mom. To be surronded by our loving family and to comfortable is really the most important things. Please take care of yourself,I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better. we are thinking of you and wishing you well.
Colleen

stella65
Posts: 150
Joined: Feb 2011

I cannot imagine what you are going through with your beloved mum....... I am sending you a huge hug and of course your mum must be allowed to fight this, I know we will never give up fighting for my mum and I hope she wants to fight in the future too X

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