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First birthday alone

wiveliscombe
Posts: 47
Joined: Feb 2010

I lost my husband ,George 3 months ago after a 2 year battle with stomach cancer. We had been married for 38 years and he was my rock, best friend and reason for living. Yesterday it was my birthday and one of the worst days since I lost him. These past couple of weeks have been really bad seems like I'm going backwards.

Your recent post Elizabeth 15 could have been written by me, I feel exactly the same. How long has it been since you lost your husband?

Noellesmom
Posts: 1275
Joined: Aug 2010

Am hoping today is a better day for you.

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I am sorry to hear about your loss. I too lost my husband to cancer (brain). It will be a year on June 14. I can tell you that after 11 months it is a little better...certainly not good. The firsts are very hard...first birthday, anniversary. This grieving process is a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. But I believe that time will eventually heal. This website has been a help, so many people that are going through the same thing. I hope you will find times of peace as you go through this process.

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

Dear Wiveliscombe, I am so sorry you are in this dreadful limbo...it is an odd spot...limbo is the only word I can come up with. It is like living in Hokey Pokey land. One foot in - One foot out - One hand in - One hand out and no matter what you do...the beat goes on but it is never quite right...

My husband died on Feb 1st of this year...he was diagnosed with cancer on Sept 26, 2010 and died just a little four months after that dreadful day in the doctor's office. It was the day that our world ended as we knew it. We had hospice care for less than 24 hours...

I found this place when I googled can't dream about my dead husband....while that sounds a bit cold....I was desperate to dream about him. I first connected with a wonderful woman Stargzr...my introduction into this forum was made so comfortable by her sweet, understanding and comforting words...all offered to me while she herself suffered her own lose of her beloved husband.

Since then I have found coming here helpful...both reading other entries but also being able write as well. I keep a journal and that helps as well.

At my three month loss date I bet I cried for days...thinking back I was really pitiful...then I sort of snapped out of it and back crying again yesterday...it really is hard getting a grip isn't it? When I think about it three months is really not that long...not sure how you feel about it but 12 weeks is so little a span of time. I am sorry you spent your birthday without your husband...did you and George do something special on your birthdays? Those traditions, habits and rituals we practiced sometimes almost unconsciously are what move me to tears because they are no more...taken from both of us...taken from you and George as well and all those who come here looking for comfort and possibly an answer and by those who have no where to go and suffer in silence...our wonderful lives snatched out from under us by cancer.

I so hope you find some peace tonight...you need a breather. None of us can predict what the next day will bring...but you have been through so much over these few months...so I hope and pray tonight is easy for you...you deserve it. I am thinking of you. Elizabeth

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Elizabeth,
It's not that long since you lost your husband. Right now you probably think it's never going to get better but it really does. I lost my husband of 46 years almost 14 months ago. I did go for counseling for almost a year and was on meds which helped alot. But now I cry alot less, even though I still think of him every day. He was also my best friend and we did everything together. We wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and didn't realize it wouldn't happen. The first anniversaries, first birthdays, holidays, etc. are hard to get through. It still is hard for me when I go someplace where we always went together because of the memories.
So just take one day at a time, and don't rush anything. If you feel like crying, don't hold back. Carole

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

Three months may seem like a long time to you right now, but it really isn't. Grief takes time. I lost my husband of 42 years after a six year battle almost 19 months ago. Those special days are still difficult, but not as difficult. I will always miss him, but I am learning to accept my new normal. I don't think we ever get over our losses. We learn to live with them. Going backwards is not unusual. I often felt that way. Sometimes, I still do. We never know what might bring tears. Sometimes it's big things like birthdays and anniversaries. Other times it's little things. Take care of yourself now. Fay

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I think that is a very appropriate phase. You slowly and eventually adjust to a new normal. You learn to deal with the loneliness. Not easy but believe we will slowly get there. I think of my husband every minute of everyday but do not cry quite as much. I am getting better at dealing with all those everyday tasks on my own, filling the hours. I want to let all of you know how much I appreciate the support I have received on this site. Always in my thoughts.
Becky

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I think I know how you must have felt as my husband Mike passed away Jan. 23, 2011 from stomach cancer after a 7 month battle and 31+ years of marriage; and it sounds very much like what I wrote about him (best friend and soul mate). I also felt I was making progress when my B-day came on 3/21; I too felt I went backwards.

However, what I did find is what some other people here have found. It is really a two step forward, one step back process. And there are things that I do for the first time since Mike passed away that really make me sad or bring back that flood of memories that makes you cry your heart out. And I have also found that it is OK and expected. I also find that I am not alone in that experience with not only other spouses who have lost their mates, but with my family members and friends who also loved Mike dearly.

So, I have permission to call and cry on the phone to them (family and friends) if I need to (and I find that happening less often). And we also do things together that we know will really create some very difficult times (first Ski Patrol banquet since Mike's passing, put a team in for Relay for Life in his memory, etc.). And by posting and sharing experiences with other surviving caregivers, I find that there are so many great people who have gone through/are going through this that have also helped tremendously.

I hope you are doing OK in this new world of normal. Take care and many hugs to you.

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