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bad week

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

This week is probably the hardest week yet. Tomorrow makes 3 months since Patrick has been gone, and Wednesday the 18th is/was our wedding anniversary. We would have been married 4 years.

I'm all over the place emotionally. Had a spectacularly good day Sunday as I made it through his clothes without too much of an issue. Today I'm sliding into misery.

I went out and bought a guinea pig. I named her Sugar. I guess I need something that needs me and will love me back. My cats are great, don't get me wrong. Needed something to cuddle with.

And I'm so mad. I worked so hard and he left anyway. I know it wasn't my call, and I know he's better now, but dammit WHY? Why did you have to leave me?

I want the world to see you sold a broken dream
You were not there for me, I was unraveling

They say that time heals a broken heart
But time has stood still since we've been apart

Conchal's picture
Conchal
Posts: 42
Joined: Apr 2011

then I suppose I would establish a new religion! Or at least start an advice column! I am sorry to hear you are having a bad week, and I want to say 'happy anniversary' to you anyway! I hope that is ok....I wish Patrick was with you to celebrate that day.

You have given such great advice and support to others I felt compelled to say something in response to your post. Your insights are great, and as a caregiver I have read many of your posts and taken your advice. You need to know that you are an important person to many of us out here, and if nothing else I want you to know I appreciate all you have offered to us. I am with you in spirit if nothing else.

I really hope you feel better tomorrow.

Conchal

karenbeth's picture
karenbeth
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

I'm so sorry you are having a hard week. I'm dreading some upcoming dates myself. But there's nothing you can do but slog through it--and you will. Call me if you want, I'm around.

Karen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1625
Joined: Aug 2009

Those special days seem to set us back a few steps in progress. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I know I can't really say anything that helps except let you know you are not alone. My tough days don't seem as tough the second time around. I haven't resorted to living off jelly bellies and vinegar potato chips for awhile now. It's ok to have those bad days now and then, though. Even anger is healthy. Give yourself time to heal and find peace. Fay

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

I'm so sorry that you're having a tough week. An anniversary is so hard because it is unique to the couple. There is so much pain in the loss of our soulmates that the pain can overwhelm the memories. I do remember my wedding day as being one of the happiest days of my life and that makes me happy and incredibly sad. I will be thinking of you.

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

I am sorry you are going through this and have to know how this feels. I have reached that benchmark...my ambivalence comes from getting here alone without him...the sadness swells within me because I feel I am here going forward and I can not stop the days and benchmarks...time ticks on and I hang on, I hang in and I feel I am not being fair to him...I am living...I am living without him...I cook, I shop, I pay bills, I do yard work, I do things we did together and I do it without him...HOW...WHY...It is hard to make sense of the ability to continue...it is hard to place myself in the reality of living without him...I can not seem to embrace this new reality...it does not feel right...I am very uncomfortable with it...I can not do it like my old life...life before was easy, it was comfortable...I knew how to do it...I just do not know how to do this...there is a bit of regret that I have done it so far...maybe not well but I have done it...and for whatever reason I feel I am being unfair to him...yet when I sit and do nothing and boohoo all day long I feel like I am being unfair to us...I need to find the spot where I am being fair to me...this is the hard part because I need to face the fact there is no more him, there is no more us...there is only me.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1315
Joined: Aug 2010

May 18 is still the anniversary of the day you married Patrick. That does not change and that is why it hurts.

There is no magic, there is no blessing, there is no anything that will work to lessen your pain except time and you just haven't had enough of it.

Know that you are not going through tomorrow alone - we are all thinking about you and lifting you up.

Have your day of sorrow and missing him and embrace it, April. With your memories of Patrick, both good and bad, you have his love.

Hugs.

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

In order to live a life truly worth living you have to have strength in the face of adversity, patience when confronted with challenge, and bravery in the face of fear.

I've done that. I did it for Patrick. Why do I still feel so damn awful?

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello April
Just wanted to send you my thoughts, prayers, and hugs. We are all here for each other always!
Tina in Va

Noellesmom
Posts: 1315
Joined: Aug 2010

I am positive they had their "dark hours", too.

You did it, you did it right and you did it for the right reasons.

Ease off on yourself and let yourself feel just as lousy as possible. It will happen no matter how well you did your job because it is something that cannot be controlled.

Better days are coming. I promise.

Hugs.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi April,
I needed something to cuddle with too. I just picked up my 9 week old "Morkie" which is a combo of Yorkie/Maltese. She is adorable & cuddles with me on the couch every night and I've only had her since sunday. Her name is "Misty". Alot of work and definitely more than cats, but so cute. Sorry to hear you had a bad day. It hasn't been that long since Patrick died and those firsts of everything are so hard. Tom's birthday was in June & this will be the second one that he's not here for already. I can't believe he's gone almost 14 months. I try to keep busy and have a coffee shop where we have a group of about 15 that I go to every morning. It has helped me alot.
Don't worry, you'll never forget Patrick but the days will get easier.
Take care April!! BFF, Carole

skipper85's picture
skipper85
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

Hi April:

It's been a while since i posted or even visited the boards. I guess I was hiding from the emotional pain everyone (including me) was feeling. I'm sorry I haven't been here for you giving you the support you need. Tomorrow is the 6 month anniversary of Paul's passing. I just can't believe he's gone - just like that. I've been trying to keep busy painting the house (actually having it painted) and having some other updating done. Don't know if I'm keeping the house or not. Right now I can't get another mortgage and rent would be about the same monthly payment. It's just the upkeep that kills me. Anyway, I'm finally slowing down or should say I've stopped running from my emotions. I've had some bad days but Memorial Day weekend we finally got to put Paul's ashes in the ocean like he wanted. That day I felt almost exhuberant. I was finally able to do something for Paul. The next few days were a downward spiral. I finally realized this is it - Just me and the pooch now.

I hope your days get brighter. Patrick would want you to have a life full of happiness, laughter and love. You have the gift of life. Treasure it - make the most of it. Remember Patrick but know that he would want you to move on with your life. I know it's easier said than done but as time goes by things will fall into place and although you won't have Patrick you will have wonderful memories to cherish forever.

(((HUGS)))

Skipper

sarge57's picture
sarge57
Posts: 50
Joined: Nov 2010

April, I hope you are feeling better the first year is difficult my wife passed in February of this year and last month was Mothers Day, her birthday and our anniversary, and her internment all within a 10 day span. As time goes on all the memorable dates become easier to deal with. You will never forget Patrick but unfortunately those of us left behind far too soon do have to move on no matter how difficult it may be. Just take one day at a time and one event at a time, and trust me it will become easier though you will never forget your loved one no matter how unfair it may seem.
All the best, John

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