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Live, love and laugh, once again...

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Submitted by luz del lago on May 9, 2011 - 11:14pm

Well, I've remodeled the two main rooms of my home. Painted and finished the ceiling of the back porch. Become well acquainted with the power washer! Already had mastered power tools years before, so I built three wooden flower boxes. Planted three trees. Mow an acre every week. Built a play area with activity toys for my precious granddaughter, and a beautiful sitting area for me to read and watch her while she plays, in our little forest, which required trees to be trimmed and groomed, hello chainsaw!

Every nook and cranny in my house is void of dirt and dust. The spices are arranged in alphabetical order! My beloved husband's belongings have been cleaned and stored, or donated to charity.

The legalities of the death of a spouse have been taken care of. Financial planning for present and future, done. Will be going back to work in a few months. Okay with that, it will do me good in many ways.

I have accomplished these things in four months and three weeks. I have a list that is full of further projects.

Tomorrow I will celebrate the 52nd year of my life. There are plans to be surrounded by my wonderful children and family. Tomorrow will be the first Birthday in thirty years, I celebrate without my love. What I will miss the most is the joy and enthusiasm he always had in preparing for and celebrating my Birthdays! This has the makings of a very difficult day for me. But I will not let it!

I feel that I have done well, considering the sorrow and grief of losing the love of my life. But I also see that I have been hiding from my "new life". By immersing myself into all these "projects" I have delayed beginning my new journey.

Also, sorrow and grief can be more exhausting than any of the projects I wrote of! I guess I'm exhausted of grieving. I know this may sound harsh, but it is true. I long to relish the memories of my beloved husband and smile at them. I think it is beginning to happen. I can now look at a picture of us, of him, a favorite object of his and not break down crying. I want to forget the diagnosis, the chemo, the scans and tests. I want to forget the fear of it all. I want to forget his last days, when he was not even himself anymore. I want to forget the feeling of being lost without him.

I want to remember and treasure his face, before cancer. I want to remember his humor and the sound of his laughter. I want to recall the night he asked me to marry him, our wedding, the birth of our children. Playing golf with him and my dad. I long to close my eyes and see him playing with our granddaughter, exchanging jokes with our daughter, his pride at our son's graduation from "boot-camp". And a million other wonderful memories! No more sorrow, no more tears, just the warm glow of a beautiful life that was ours.

So tomorrow I will begin this new life. I am taking a break from all of the projects for awhile. I will be traveling to a few different places that I have never visited before. And I will stop saying " I wonder what he would think of this?" or " he would like this". At least I will try not to. I know I may have set-backs, it is not easy to mourn a love of thirty years, but I will give it my best effort.

I think I know what my beloved would say about all this. He would say, " Go on my love, live, love and laugh! Don't let the beast take your life, too! Don't grieve for me any longer. I am free now. Go on my love."

My dearest friends,
I will be traveling for the rest of the month. I want to wish you all peace, love and healing. You all have helped me so much, I could never have made it through without your words of compassion, kindness, humor and support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Will check in every so often. I pray to see that everyone is doing better and finding new adventures in your lives also!

Love,

Lucy

Noellesmom
Posts: 1315
Joined: Aug 2010

Bring back wonderful survivor and thrivor stories! Can't wait to hear them!

Hugs!

karenbeth's picture
karenbeth
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

You are such an inspiration to me as I sit in my messy apartment, with unwashed dishes, cluttered table, hair that needs to be cut and colored, lots of loose ends still to be tied up...I am only 3 weeks into this as opposed to 4 months so I know I will get it together eventually. I am somewhat awed by your positive energy and attitude. Have safe and happy travels, Lucy.

Karen

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

I will cherish and remember these words because I know my husband would say the same thing. "Go on my love, live, love and laugh! Don't let the beast take your life, too! Don't grieve for me any longer. I am free now. Go on my love."

Thank you for those words. Happy Birthday. I hope you have a great adventure.

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

WOW...I envy the go forward attitude...grieve no more part, don't let the beast win! I am stuck in a robotic kind of pattern...I am circling the runway but I can not seem to get the landing gear to touchdown...I am getting things done not because I have found a joie de vivre but because I figure I have too...I don't want neighbors and family to think I have gone totally batty...if the place turns into a total pig sty I may be asked to leave the neighborhood...For awhile I actually wondered how high I could let the dust pile up before I developed a full blown asthma attack...For some reason as I try to imagine my husband saying "go on, live, love, laugh" it moves me to profound sadness and the tears flow down my cheeks...is it me holding on not daring to put him in the past...I don't know how to do that...quite frankly I really don't think I want to...what we had was so so good, everything else seems pitiful...I am still with Karenbeth...our time of loss is different as I am closing in on fourteen weeks...last week I went thru a full jumbo size box of kleenix...there were piles of soaking wet crumbled up tissues everywhere...I looked all those piles and thought this has got to stop! So far this week I am down just a quarter of a box..maybe I am improving....but you guys are enviable...the positivity must offer you some needed relief...As I write this I know if I was listening to me moan and groan...I'd say everyone is different, we are all on different time schedules...you will make it...but I am just a little envious to see how well you are doing and acknowledging it is okay to move on...I honestly know it is...I just seem to have dug my heels in...
I hope you have a fabulous trip and pray you have safe travel. Elizabeth

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Lucy,
Wow, you sure have accomplished alot!! I am really proud of you for coming so far. With all the support though it does help doesn't it? I don't know where I'd be without all my CSN friends, my coffee group, my family & friends. Really helps to know that we have so many people who want us to start to live again.
What you wrote was beautiful and made tears come to my eyes. We have gone through so much losing the loves of our lives. But I guess maybe they're looking down on us to see that we are moving on & can smile again.
Happy Birthday!!! Hope wherever you're going you have a great trip!!! Please keep in touch! God Bless You Lucy! Carole

mrsbotch
Posts: 377
Joined: Oct 2010

You are an amazing woman. I cried for my Vince who passed away on Feb 23rd of this year when I read what you had wrritten. I need to go on too . I am also redecorating but find myself not yet able to remember the good times.

You have a wonderful time off and rejoice.

Much ,ove

Barb

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Hi Lucy. You go girl! I have greatly appreciated your words and insight. I must admit that I celebrated my 55th B-day about 2 months after Mike passed away and it was a tough day. But, with family and friends, I got through it. Somehow, although there will be sadness, I know you will be OK.

It sounds like your husband was a lot like mine based on the things you have written over the last several months. That being said, what you wrote that your husband would say reminded me that my husband did tell me something similar the day before he passed away. Mike told me to live life for the both of us; live it to the fullest, laugh often and love again. He even said he had some names for me if I wanted them (I said no - God, he was the best). Thanks for that reminder (made me smile).

So, I hope you have a great trip and the journey of a life time. And I hope you stop by and visit here once in a while so we know how you are doing. Let us know how the trip was when you get back. Take good care of yourself. Hugs and love.
Dina

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1625
Joined: Aug 2009

I often forget to read this board, but I am glad I came here today. Have a great trip. Fay

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