May 11, 2011 - 2:07 am
Submitted by luz del lago on May 9, 2011 - 11:14pm
Well, I've remodeled the two main rooms of my home. Painted and finished the ceiling of the back porch. Become well acquainted with the power washer! Already had mastered power tools years before, so I built three wooden flower boxes. Planted three trees. Mow an acre every week. Built a play area with activity toys for my precious granddaughter, and a beautiful sitting area for me to read and watch her while she plays, in our little forest, which required trees to be trimmed and groomed, hello chainsaw!
Every nook and cranny in my house is void of dirt and dust. The spices are arranged in alphabetical order! My beloved husband's belongings have been cleaned and stored, or donated to charity.
The legalities of the death of a spouse have been taken care of. Financial planning for present and future, done. Will be going back to work in a few months. Okay with that, it will do me good in many ways.
I have accomplished these things in four months and three weeks. I have a list that is full of further projects.
Tomorrow I will celebrate the 52nd year of my life. There are plans to be surrounded by my wonderful children and family. Tomorrow will be the first Birthday in thirty years, I celebrate without my love. What I will miss the most is the joy and enthusiasm he always had in preparing for and celebrating my Birthdays! This has the makings of a very difficult day for me. But I will not let it!
I feel that I have done well, considering the sorrow and grief of losing the love of my life. But I also see that I have been hiding from my "new life". By immersing myself into all these "projects" I have delayed beginning my new journey.
Also, sorrow and grief can be more exhausting than any of the projects I wrote of! I guess I'm exhausted of grieving. I know this may sound harsh, but it is true. I long to relish the memories of my beloved husband and smile at them. I think it is beginning to happen. I can now look at a picture of us, of him, a favorite object of his and not break down crying. I want to forget the diagnosis, the chemo, the scans and tests. I want to forget the fear of it all. I want to forget his last days, when he was not even himself anymore. I want to forget the feeling of being lost without him.
I want to remember and treasure his face, before cancer. I want to remember his humor and the sound of his laughter. I want to recall the night he asked me to marry him, our wedding, the birth of our children. Playing golf with him and my dad. I long to close my eyes and see him playing with our granddaughter, exchanging jokes with our daughter, his pride at our son's graduation from "boot-camp". And a million other wonderful memories! No more sorrow, no more tears, just the warm glow of a beautiful life that was ours.
So tomorrow I will begin this new life. I am taking a break from all of the projects for awhile. I will be traveling to a few different places that I have never visited before. And I will stop saying " I wonder what he would think of this?" or " he would like this". At least I will try not to. I know I may have set-backs, it is not easy to mourn a love of thirty years, but I will give it my best effort.
I think I know what my beloved would say about all this. He would say, " Go on my love, live, love and laugh! Don't let the beast take your life, too! Don't grieve for me any longer. I am free now. Go on my love."
My dearest friends,