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I still can't believe she's gone

Wangari
Posts: 19
Joined: Apr 2011

This still seems like a horrible dream even as I write this. I have had double tragedies in my life months apart.

Late last year, my mum started feeling numbness in her right leg. She then went to an orthopedic doctor who quickly diagnosed it as sciatica. He put her on some nerve stimulating drugs which helped for sometime. However, a month later, she felt the drugs were not helping her so we sought another opinion only this time she decided to go for accupuncture as she had heard that it was good with sciatica. She had treatment sessions for month but no improvement.In January 2011,she woke up one night in terrible pain. She said she felt like her leg was burning on the inside. That was when we sought a neurosurgeon. with all the symptoms she had, he concluded that it was definitely sciatica and that all she needed was pain killers and physiotherapy.

This helped to control the pain on and off. Nights were especially bad for mum. There were nights that we would not sleep because of the pain.Doses were adjusted and would work on and off. An MRI of the spine didn't show anything that would require surgery(if it were sciatica)

At about the same time, my grandfather(mum's dad) started developing complications. At first, we thought it was due to his diabetes. So the endocrinologist, adjusted his doses. soon after, he begun complaining of aches just around the diaphragm area. It was at this time the doctor decided to do a few tests.these tests later showed that he in fact had pancreatic cancer.So here we are, with little info about the disease. things happened so fast and soon we were starting his chemo sessions. Due to his age, we were quite worried about how he would take it. Unfortunately, he was only able to have two sessions. On the night of 15th March, he succumbed to cancer.

Meanwhile, my mother's condition was not improving as well. By this time, she was on bed rest and had little function of her right leg. we had my grandfather's funeral on the 22nd, my mother was unable to attend. she was devastated!a few days later, my mother started having chest congestion( note that in the past few months, she had been having night sweats) This, plus the congestion now beginning made us suspect that she may be having tuberculosis. I immediately rushed her to hospital when the antibiotics given to her at a clinic did not improve the situation.It was here that they discovered the cancer. There was a huge mass on her leg. the congestion was due to the fact that the cancer had spread to her lungs. my mum spent two weeks in the hospital and on the 13th of April, she lost the fight.

Looking back at the hospital stay, I still can't believe how much she still wanted to take care of us. She'd insist on getting extra food so that I could have some of her food.my siblings were not around so it was usually me, her and dad. She was such a strong woman. Her faith kept her going. Even in all this pain, she would always sit me down and pray. The day before she passed away, I asked her( sobbing) where I would ever get another mother and she simply told me "This is God's will and he has a plan for you, Let God's will be done"

It's only been 2 weeks since the funeral. I feel so lost. As the first born, I feel I have to be strong for everyone else. But there are days I wake up and just sit in her room and cry. I wish everyone would just stop telling us that they know what we are going through. I can't hang out with people anymore. there are so many questions I have.

i was just introduced to this site by a friend and can't believe how much i identify with most of the people here.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

All I can really say is how sorry I am. Words don't really help. Don't try to be too strong. You need to grieve and heal. Sometimes strength may be showing that you are vulnerable. Crying can be a good release. You are right that no one really understands your grief. For each of us it is an individual thing. Many of us have been through similar losses, though. We can sympathize with you and understand to a large degree. Take care of yourself. Fay

Wangari
Posts: 19
Joined: Apr 2011

Thank you Fay, Carole and Karen for the words of encouragement. Today morning, I did my fair share of crying. It felt good to just release those emotions. Is there a way to help my dad? I mean, here I am having all these emotions,but my dad hasn't had the chance to express himself. He's being so strong for all of us. He's lost the love of his life. I don't know how to help him. I worry most for him and how he is dealing with all this.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

It is good that you recognize how hard this is for your dad. Each of us grieves in his or her own way. Right now your dad is probably pretty numb. The best way you can help him is just to let him know you are there. Family support and love are so important right now. Follow his lead. Don't be afraid to talk about your mom if he wants to do that. Ask him if there is anything you can do to help. There are a couple of men on here that might have some good suggestions. I hope they respond. Fay

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Wangari,
All you can do is Believe that your mom & dad are together again. My mom died in Dec. 1989 suddenly and my dad died in Dec. 1990, so I can relate to how you feel. But after my dad died I felt a sense of relief. Maybe cause I knew that they weren't alone anymore. The only thing I don't like is that they have crypts, and are up high, so can't put flowers on them. When that happened, me & my husband also bought crypts cause I wanted to be close to my mom and dad. Now my husband, Tom, died in March last year, and he is just a few yards away from my parents. I've only been there twice, cause I cry so hard when I stand there and just wish I could hold him again. Also my name is on there too, and it freaks me out to see that.
But I'm glad you came to this site cause it's great & everyone understands how we feel cause we've all gone through it. Please take it easy & let your tears flow when you feel like crying. Carole

karenbeth's picture
karenbeth
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

I'm sorry you lost both your grandfather and mother so close together. I'm sure you feel simply lost without your mother. You need time to grieve; as someone going through the grieving process now, I know that there is no timetable, no right or wrong way, and you just have to take it moment by moment. You have come to the right place here; we all know that "horrible dream" feeling. All the best to you.

Karen

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Wangari, I just don't know what to say other than I am so sad for you and the great losses you have just experienced. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Please take care and hugs to you.

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom and grandfather. This is such a lonely journey. You have to take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve. Everything is so raw in the beginning. (((Hugs)))

Wangari
Posts: 19
Joined: Apr 2011

Today is mother's day, I never used to take notice of it but that's all I can think of now. Meeting up with my friends, I hear them complain about how their mothers are nagging them etc. I wish I could have that chance again. Please people, go out there and tell your Mum how much you love her. Do some fun activity with her. Make her laugh.
I LOVE YOU MAMA.

Cindy Bear
Posts: 560
Joined: Jul 2009

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how difficult this is. I lost my mother almost 2 yrs ago. Today was the second Mother's Day without her. I still can't believe she's gone sometimes, I still can't accept it. People think we were braced and prepared for her death because she had cancer, but believe me it was a shock.. the cancer diagnosis (she'd always been so healthy) and then gone 4 mos. into "treatment" yeah some treatment. I know exactly what you mean. When people at work start complaining about their mothers.. I want to say, you don't know how lucky you are...
Hang in there, it does get better... slowly but surely.
Hugs,
Cindy

Wangari
Posts: 19
Joined: Apr 2011

Who knew life would take such a drastic turn? I'm really getting tired of being told that I should be over it. How do I get over losing a mother!!

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

We don't get over our losses. We do learn to live with them. Those we love stay with us in our hearts. Also, our western culture seems to think we should move on much sooner than we are ready to do that. I'm not for going back to wearing black for a year, but I wish everyone could understand that a year of grieving isn't even long enough for many. We do learn to accept our losses usually and most of us can begin to live our new normal lives, but many things still bring the tears. I am sure that this first Mothers' Day was hard for you and that you will always grieve a little on Mothers' Day. I know I feel that way about my dad every Fathers' Day and it's been many years. Don't let anyone tell you what is the right or wrong amount of time to grieve. They are just showing their ignorance. Fay

Cindy Bear
Posts: 560
Joined: Jul 2009

People mean well.. they do. I found myself biting my tongue a lot... I was very angry for a long time and while I know that's not healthy, it did help me cope. It kept me going.. it was the fuel that got thru ea. day. I've let go of some of the anger, but I still have very dark days and moments.. I don't think you ever truly get over it but it does get easier... a good friend, who lost both parents at a younger age, told me it take 2 yrs.. just to come to terms with this kind of loss.. so be patient, give yourself time, and don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it...

Wangari
Posts: 19
Joined: Apr 2011

I know what you mean Cindy. I find myself angry a lot of the time. My anger mostly towards people who are trying to interfere with the family dynamics. People who we're never there for us before but now feel they need to tell us how we should be living.
Fay, thank you for your encouraging words.

Wangari
Posts: 19
Joined: Apr 2011

Yesterday was my birthday. All I could do all day was cry. I kept waiting for a call from mum wishing me a happy birthday ...and nothing. Two days before that was my parents wedding anniversary. It's like one blow after another.
Anyway, today's a bit better.

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