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12 Weeks Tomorrow

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

tomorrow marks 12 weeks...three months...at this moment in time, somehow I feel like I am sadder than he is...I feel like he went on and I have not...it makes me sad and for one brief moment just a little angry...but the anger quickly dissolves to tears and sadness...I know neither of us ever wanted this...what has happened is not by choice...it is simply life...the circle of life

today I had a fellow come over to give me a quote on repairing the dock...nice kid...quote was not bad at all...yet he is doing what bob would have done...Bob would not have blinked an eye..actually by now it would have been done. Bob built that dock a month before our wedding and now a stranger is going to work on it after winter damage...the work must be done so I do not lose it...so this stranger will fix our wedding dock but who will fix my heart?

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

In less than an hour since I posted the above...the answer came to me as to who could fix my heart...Father Time

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Elizabeth
You are right only time is going to dull the sadness we feel. My husband has been gone almost 11 months and there are days I feel like it just happened and days I feel like it has been forever. I believe I will never be the same but hope I will some day reach a some level of peace and be happy again. Meanwhile we all hold on and move forward.

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

You are right, time will help to heal all of our hearts. It's just that there is so much loneliness and heartache along this journey. It's hard to have to hire people to do the things are loved ones were so good at and enjoyed so much. It's another sign that life has changed. I was driving home today, and it hit me again that I would never see my husband (soulmate, rock, love of my life,and best friend) again in this life. How can one help but be sad and from time-to-time angry.

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

yes...I just hate when those moments hit you when you realize that your husband is dead and you will never see/hear him again. When you try to tell that to someone else it sounds so stupid....like, duh, of course you know he is dead. But it's like it just hits you all over again for the first time what this really means. Hopefully, those moments will eventually stop.
Debbie

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1614
Joined: Aug 2009

Oh, those month dates. They drive me crazy. I have tried to ignore them, but that doesn't work. Even when I am not paying attention to the date, the sadness just sneaks up on me. It has been more than 18 months for me. Things are better. Just weird how a number on a calendar seems to hit me. Take care, Fay

mrsbotch
Posts: 377
Joined: Oct 2010

My husband has been gone since Feb 23rd and I have had to have other men here doing things for me. I hate it. We have a nice home on 6 acres in Northern Georgia and Vince loved to bushhog it. I would be on the little tractopor and he would beo on the big one. It is now so sad to know that I will never see him again. He was a MR. Fixit and could do most anything.
Life is sad now

barb

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

I agree with all of you how hard it is when we've had husbands who could fix anything, to now have to do it ourselves or have someone do it. Sunday I was at Menards and wanted to buy some mulch. Well, need alot and I couldn't even lift one bag of it. So will have to have one of my sons help me out I guess. Tom was gone a year ago in March. I did pretty good this winter, but seems like now that it's spring I miss him so much more again. We always did so much together and last summer I never even sat out on the patio at night which we always did. Probably will buy more flowers this year just to make me feel better.
Life sucks now, being alone. Carole

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Elizabeth, Beckymarie, Stargzr, Debbie, Fay, Barb and Carole: How all of you seem to know exactly how I am feeling and how my life was with Mike. He also did so many things around the house/outside and fixed anything that needed to be fixed. How I miss him oh so much. I miss working with him (although he did so much more than I did/could do), I miss watching him smiling as he got the things done, I miss laughing with him and just hanging around outside with him.

And I know what you mean about having it hit you again and again that he is gone/passed on. And it seems the only people who REALLY understand are those who have gone through it or are going through it now. It sucks that we all have to be going through this, but thanks so much for being here and posting. You are all a God send.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

You're right about only us who have lost the loves of our lives understand how we feel. People can say "oh I can imagine how it is", but they can't cause they've never gone through this horrible experience.
Some days I'm okay and other days I just want to sleep so I don't remember. And if I hear a song that he liked it is really hard. He always loved "The Eagles" and when I play those CD's I always end up running for the box of kleenex.
Still say I wish we all lived near one another, so we could meet for lunch or just to talk.
Anyhow hang in there and let's hope we have more happy days in the future.
Carole

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

So the dock got fixed today...it is safe and secure...fixed by two fellows who were efficient and quick...did not overcharge and were polite and courteous. I need new front steps and the man came yesterday to do the preliminary work...a couple of more jobs need to be done and gotten quotes from two more guys. The cemetery stone man stopped by with drawings for the head stone. I said to my sister...all these men doing things...I only needed one man before...and now this...how did this all happen...sometimes it feels so out of control...yet I remind myself...I am doing it...I know what to do and I am getting it done...not the way it would have been before but I am finding my way and doing things to keep my home in shape. The old ways are gone...not in my mind and heart but in my everyday reality...My old world no longer exists...I am different in so many ways...I have lost so much, I have been to the depths of despair...yet here I am today fixing things in the only way I know how...calling people, getting quotes, and making a decision to get it done. I am surviving...we all are ladies...we may worry, weep, lose sleep...yet we get up and get it done because it must be done. I know my Bob would have been proud of me today to find a way to not let things get in disrepair...my head tells me this but my heart is still in so much pain...I really just want my husband and good old life back...unfortunately there is no one to call to get that job done.

karenbeth's picture
karenbeth
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

Your post really touched my heart, Elizabeth. My husband wasn't Mr. Fix it by any means; we are New Yorkers, we just call the super :) but he washed the dishes, he ironed the clothes, he cleaned the bathroom...I am not embarrassed to say he maintained our apartment much better than me. He also fixed the computer and the tv/sound system when needed...haven't had to deal with that yet...but yes, we get up and get things done despite our despair and heartache. The bottom line is that it is lonely and it is not how it was supposed to be.

Hugs,
Karen

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

Hi Karenbeth, Oh your husband was a Mr Fix It!!!!! It is amazing how he found a way to fix things to make your life easier...so you live where you call super....that did not stop him...he figured out a way to fix the things he could...WOW dishes, ironing and cleaning were the fixing a dock, mowing and power washing a house that my husband did! How fortunate we are to have had men in our lives that wanted to fix things to make our lives better...that is the thing about good men...they simply want to take care of their wives and families and be loved in return. They are amazing characters and when allowed to be what they are, the women in their lives are truly blessed. It sounds like you had one of the good ones...I am so sorry you have lost him in your life...Elizabeth

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1614
Joined: Aug 2009

I hear you. Doing things we have never done before is both difficult and rewarding. So often I think Doug would have been so proud of me. It hurts when we can't share it with them. I have been very lucky to find men who can do the work on the house, yard, and cars that I can trust. Doug set some of it up before he died. I also have a couple of church members and friends I can call on in emergencies.I live in a small community which helps when I need a referral. As I've said before, we are awesome ladies. Being independent isn't all it's cracked up to be, though.

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

To find other people or to take on the work ourselves is difficult because we come face to face with another dimension of our loss. I have so many memories of my husband working joyously around the house and yard. He would plant flowers for me. This weekend I will plant flowers in his memory to go along with the tree that was planted in his memory. Elizabeth, Karenbeth, Fay and others - you are inspiring me to address some repair issues in our home - and it still is our (my husband and my) home. I have also been lucky to find people to help out. My husband's co-workers have been terrific.

We really are quite amazing, expecially as we are doing these things while dealing with profound grief.

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

Hi Star, You are so right...we are amazing! And I am amazed that I have done so many things I did not want to face yet I did. I did these things because it was the right thing to do. Bob and I made a life that was good and that life included our home. We worked hard to get where we are and it is now my honor and duty to make sure I maintain this home. It is truly my responsibility to see that I do not let our hard work slide or get lost in my grief. I never wanted to disappoint Bob and I feel I would if I did not pick myself up, dust myself off and tackle the everyday tasks that need to be done to maintain this home and my life. I do not place any burden on myself to make things better or change things but I honestly believe I must maintain...it is this attitude that will help me live this new way and survive. This is a survivors network...all of us have truly survived the worst thing that has ever have happened to us...we have survived...and we have faced cancer eye to eye...it has knocked us to our knees, taken the breath out of our souls, stolen our husbands and robbed of us of our wonderful worlds...yet we had something in us to seek out help and solace and we all arrived here on the cancer survivors network...we are amazing survivors. We support and listen to each other, we have cried for each other as we have cried for ourselves because we understand the pain and we have encouraged each other...we are amazing survivors...I want to thank all of you for helping me find the strength within myself to get things done. When I found this place it was Star who embraced me and made me realize I was not alone...and along the way all of you have helped me as well...your generosity has helped me in ways you will never know...we are amazing survivors...Thank you, Elizabeth

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