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Don't read if you need to stay positive

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

I'm at a pretty low point - on the plus side, my husband survived to the NED stage and my family is healthy. Why do I still want to go get my favorite knife and open a vein, then?

I did lose my job and had to go into the "pool" of folks who had to be considered for jobs in the system before anyone from the outside could be hired. I got jerked around a bit and did get picked up by a school that is out in the middle of nowhere - nasty commute, but nice folks, so I shouldn't complain.

But still, it hurts to not have more places want me. And my husband is being a total jerk - he has been so critical of me that my daughter finally said something. I guess I got so used to taking it when he felt bad that I didn't even notice. He's been really on me about cooking too much food (the stupid sob hasn't figured out that most of that is special soft, nutritious food so he can actually swallow it, with his burned out throat) and so I tried really hard to keep up on recycling leftovers and such so the fridge wasn't full. Sure enough, last night when I came home from my interview (realizing that I was going to have to accept a long commute to at least keep a job, and wondering how I was going to continue to keep up with chores and such) he *****ed one more time about having too much food taking up the fridge.

F- him. We're eating take-out from now on. He won't be able to eat it but the kids will be happy for a while. At this point, I don't care if he loses the 15 lbs I managed to put back on him - he's taken away the one thing I still thought I did well (cooking) because I am not going to cook the good stuff just to have him complain that I spend so much on food (like, NOT cooking food at home will cost less?).

I've put the sharp things out of my reach - I wouldn't do that to my kids - so don't go calling the EMTs.

However, this sucks. And it hurts. A lot. Ow, ow, ow.

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

yup. You're having one of them days. I felt like dog poo when I got let go from my job in Sept 2010, and mine was a jerk too. I imagine it's harder for you as it can be tough to mentally switch from sick to well.

Well, all I can say is this sucks and maybe tomorrow things will either look brighter or you will be better able to handle what comes. Until then, do whatever mellows you out and puts your mind in that happy place.

Loves,
April

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

I do feel like such a baby complaining, April, as I know I should be grateful that the stupid m-f-ing sob is around for me to complain about. And I lucked into a job with nice people who are true believers about helping kids, not just doing a job. Things could certainly be worse.

It just hurt that not only was he not there to make me feel better when I needed it most, he piled on and really cut my legs out from under me. I alternate between crying and wanting to punch out walls.

Maybe I will get lucky and a fight will break out between some of the bigger bullies at school tomorrow - I am soooo ready to go bust a few heads. . .

Ok - I'll try to go back to being happy that I have a husband to complain about. And a job. And a house that we are not toooo far behind on payments for. And a really perceptive daughter. And folks on a list who are kind enough to read tirades. Thanks. We are almost done with leftovers now, so we eat out tomorrow. I haven't had a good taco in months.

karenbeth's picture
karenbeth
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

...this is the place to do it. Sorry you are having such a rough time...I hope your husband has an attitude adjustment soon. In the meantime, enjoy your taco.

Karen

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

I'm sorry I was in no way trying to push you off. Lemme put it this way - when Pat was first admitted to hospice I was still treating him normal which included all the normal arguements and me still trying to stand my ground. Listen jack wad I don't care if you're sick you're not getting away with running over me! But the hospice nurses and social workers made a good point to me: there are some things that you just gotta let go. Is this how I want to spend my time with him? Fighting over stupid crap?

The correlation I was making is this: Pat said from day 1 stop treating me special so that is what I did. When it came time for a mental shift, it took a couple days of me being mad before I got there. You had said that you took a lot when he was sick because he was sick. So this is a shift for you, from sick to not sick.

As for "complaining" everyone, and I mean everyone, is allowed time to feel awful and sad and mad. I've been where you are a lot lately, alternating between wanting to crawl in bed and curl up in a fetal position and going out with an aluminum bat daring someone to mess with me (gotta a bad mean streak oooooops) All I know is if I give myself enough time feeling icky then I will go out and be ready to take on the world.

Today may suck, but dammit I'm going to go kick tomorrow's a$$.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I think staying positive is really overrated. No one can stay positive all the time, and then we feel guilty when we're not. You have a right to your feelings. You have been through a lot. Youmare worn out physically and mentally. You're probably right that your husband was a little spoiled by you taking more guff than you might otherwise have done. Maybe it's time to let him know that he's pushing it now. I'm glad you daughter said something. Now you may have to say something, too. It's time for you to take care of yourself and get a little pampering as well. Maybe a massage, a pedicure, and a manicure. A ladies night out sounds good. You definitely need to stay out of the kitchen for awhile. Fay

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

Double post

ketziah35
Posts: 1150
Joined: Jun 2010

I think this is the week when spouses went to idiots r us. I have been trying to figure out how I can affOrd a couple of days in a nice hotel with nice views and room service to get a break from my overly critical husband. I want to scream, but that is wasted energy. He is vegetarian so I plan to cook with meat in my veggies this Sunday. So join the crowd on hubbies that are SOB's. Can I join the girl's nite out. I have the liquor and chic flicks.

I am taking care of so many people and who the f- is taking care of me?

PS I have insomnia again.

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

Think every male across the country is having their period at the same time. Just a thought as every male I've had dealings with this week has been a complete (insert name for the male anatomy here).

So it's not just you.

ketziah35
Posts: 1150
Joined: Jun 2010

International PMS week? Thank God we are not on a full moon too.

dianelynn41's picture
dianelynn41
Posts: 71
Joined: Jan 2011

I had to yell at Roby the other day. He's gets angry about his cancer and trys to take it out on me. I finally had to tell him to stop it. It's ok to be angry but I'm not the cause and I'm on his side. He changed how he was talking to me.
One time after his dx, I guess I was being too nice, we had an agrument and he smiled and said he's glad I could still get mad at him and argue.

Hang in there.
Diane

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

"Just before their periods, women behave the way men do all the time."

I'd do a girls' night out tonight, but my oldest wants us to come watch her (her theater class is opening a show tonight). By tomorrow night, the hurt will have died down and I might go back to normal life (without cooking, of course). Beer will help, I suspect.

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Sending wishes for a good weekend for you! It be "who" of hubby to join and help make it that way, but if not... Get out there and celebrate your life! Take care, dear one.

Lucy

ms.sunshine
Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

Dr. Mary I would cook him something. One piece of brocolli, and 1 carrot, 1 green bean. Then ask is that to much food. In the sweetest tone of voice, of course.

Since he is better, can he now cook for himself?

Enjoy the weekend, and tacos.

karenbeth's picture
karenbeth
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

HA! I like that.

KTeacher
Posts: 938
Joined: Jan 2011

I needed to sign in to post. Problems happened on the site the last time I posted! Dr. Mary you have not only been the caregiver to your husband but also to countless others on this site. I usually go to the head and neck site as I am a survivor but have been a caregiver throughout my life. You have been there for April and so many others. You share what you have learned willingly. It is enough to be a wife, mother, teacher and you had your life turn upside down with the diagnosis and treatment of your husband. I am a teacher also and have gone through many of the roller coaster rides that the district has dished out. Mary, go back to your post of New Years Eve. Remember the good times, they will happen again and again. It is time to sit down with the family--new job and commute will be taking a toll on you, you will need their support and help. Everyone will need to take on some more household chores.

God Bless you, take some time for you. There has been a lot thrown at you in a short amount of time.

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

Thanks for the pep talks - the sting is fading and I am recognizing how much of my problem was burnout. About 4 months ago, I was spending hours per day on the food issue - he had lost so much weight that I was researching "refeeding syndrome" (not a pleasant topic - shades of WWII and death camps) and planning/recording/analyzing everything that passed his lips (both ways). For 4 months, I've been planning and cooking the most nutritionally-dense, easy-to-eat, attractive and balanced meals I could manage - I also wanted us to eat the same foods at shared meals (dinner mostly - we all manage to eat together almost all of our breakfasts and dinners) so he didn't feel "special" or excluded.

Our fridge became full of little tubs of leftovers, put there in the hopes that he would be encouraged to snack during the day. However, our fridge always has lots of tubs of leftovers, as I cooked all the time even before this all happened. Eventually, there's too much, stuff goes bad and has to go on the compost heap.

We both hate waste - I was able to let go of that as it was more important to me that he always had food he could eat and had several choices. He couldn't let go and every time I'd cook something new, I'd hear, "but there's soooo much food in the fridge!" Did he really want an explanation about how there's lots of food, but only vegetables (or meat or starch) and so I need to make some supplementary stuff. Nope. Food is going to waste and it's my fault.

I spent some of my spare time (how much of THAT do we have) over spring break organizing everything and making better plans so that we had less food left over and it got used faster. It was great for a week, although he didn't notice. Yup, "there soooo much food" popped out the other night and I'd just had it. I'm pissed off, but I also have to realize that apparently I value my work in the kitchen more than he does, so why bother?

So, we ate leftovers for a few nights (getting boring) and we had pizza last night. Still looking forward to that taco. They just opened a Harris Teeter nearby - I can pick up dinner every night on the way home. I am going through a bit of cooking withdrawal, but I think I can let go of that part of my life and put that energy into something else.

Why didn't I think of this before????

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

The brain becomes mushy when you burn out, to the point where the only thing that makes sense is what you've already been doing.

Glad to hear you now have a viable solution. Enjoy the weekend!

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

comes. . . . I'm still waiting for the phoenix to show up. I have absolutely no idea what to do with my time and energy - I seem to have gained about 2 hours a day and many restless brain cells.

Suggestions are welcome. The more self-indulgent, the better. (Going shopping for a good divorce lawyer or a trophy husband are nice fantasies, but I won't be getting THAT self-indulgent. He does have a few good points, and he was right there with me when I was crying when Patrick - and others - died, so I'm going to try to put up with him a bit longer.) Cheap or free things are best - our budget sure is taking a hit and I'm not doing much to help it lately.

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

take $11 and get 10 things for you and only you. Shopping spree! There must be some free concerts or fairs or something going on near you. Summer is coming so there should be something fun and free or very very inexpensive coming soon too :)

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hey Dr Mary
Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. You are right....all hubbies had their period within the last couple of weeks! Bah humbug!!! Well...they are from Mars you know? Hope this finds you feeling a little better. Enjoy that takeout....I am sure your hubby will tire of it soon and appreciate the food you are making!!! But....he will never tell you so! D....n men!!
Tina in Va

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

Now that it's almost a week after I lost it, I'm wondering if I was experiencing another symptom of PTSD. I was keeping up an unreasonable schedule, and it might be that I was afraid that Doug would go back to being dangerously underweight or even have his cancer return if I relaxed.

I was VERY self-indulgent last night - we lucked into free tickets to the hockey game (playoffs) from someone not using them; I didn't worry about whether Doug could eat anything there and didn't even bug him to drink water until he got to the point where he couldn't talk ($4 for water!).

If I don't get a summer job, I think I'll look into volunteering with some vet groups. I don't know if this experience has gained me any insight into the PTSD returning vets have, but I'd like to try talking to some of them. At least they are less likely than many of my friends to think it's weird that I have a favorite knife that I talk to occasionally. . .

ketziah35
Posts: 1150
Joined: Jun 2010

No. You were tired of his complaining a**. You should rent this movie Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Don't imitate it, but just look at it.

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

Sounds like fun - and I was tired of the complaining, you are quite right. Unfortunately, criticizing is sometimes a sign that he's under stress, so I was briefly overwhelmed by the fear that I'd mad his life more stressful by blowing up. I got over this fast. He's dealing and actually getting into worrying about me for a change (hmm.. . high blood pressure, drinking a bit too much, lost her job and was jerked around a bit finding another one, talks to her knife. . .).

I'm trying to plan a mini-shopping spree, as April suggested. We once had to do Christmas for our kids shopping only at the dollar store, as I had just about $10 that I could scrape together (I might have cashed in my penny jar). They don't remember it, as it was just as much fun as all the others. I do remember we were down to our last can of soup in the house the day before the gift checks from various parents came in - maybe my obsession with having tons of food in the fridge is not just about cancer. . . .

Enough about me, ketz - how are you doing?

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Hey DrMary, You are certainly allowed to be pissed off and vent with what you have been through. And just because "time heals all wounds", do not think that you shouldn't have gotten mad and let Doug know. I think Doug does need to know when you are nearing your limit. The last thing either one of you need is for you to keep everything in and then get sick from it; you know stress can do that.

So, I am happy you are going with the buying food out and the shopping spree (great idea April). Have fun and don't over analyze. Maybe you just had so much food in the fridge because you love your husband and are trying to do the best for him. Take care, get some rest and find the joy.

ketziah35
Posts: 1150
Joined: Jun 2010

I am sleeping better, Although I didn't sleep well last night. I have been planting a lot of plants. Since mid April I have planted over 70 plants. Wow I am sore. I am planting Japanese Holly Ferns, turtleheads, and toad lilies. Wish me luck on getting the rest in the ground before the heat starts to get to me.

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

but they are singing. I had some potted herbs that I brought in over the winter and kept in front of basement windows plus some that I started 6 weeks ago. I put them all out last weekend - the seedlings are a bit overwhelmed and not ready to do the big league, but the older plants were very vocal - you could almost see them grin when the unfiltered sun hit them. At the moment, I am blessed with a lot of chives to snip (I haven't yet put them in the breakfast cereal but just about everything else) and some very ambitious sage. I sometimes take a leaf or two of sage up to bed - Doug used to keep some by him when he was barfing a lot and the smell helped. For some reason, it still smells peaceful to me.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

All of you who are complaining about your husbands, should just be glad that you still have them. I would give anything if Tom was still here to complain about something to me. He was the greatest husband and really never complained. I loved him so much and miss him so much now that spring is here and he's not here to walk with me.
But it's okay if you get frustrated with them once in awhile, but please cherish every day with them. Carole

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

I remember how lucky I am to have the little bugger here with me still, especially since I got so close to losing him a few times. I did hesitate before unloading precisely because I felt like the person who complained about having no shoes when so many have no feet.

Maybe, in a way, this is part of celebrating the fact that he is alive - I don't have to keep up the Saint Dougie vigil anymore.

I remember (this relates) about 8 months after my brother died (suddenly, at the age of about 50) when I was helping my mother deal with bills he left and such. We'd discovered that, although she'd lent him tons of money, he'd left all his earthly belongings to his lover, whom we blamed in part for his death. He had even borrowed the money from Mom to pay for his life insurance, so said lover got the house paid off plus a chunk of change. I clutched my head and said, "I just wish he were alive and here RIGHT NOW!" My mother looked worried - was her daughter in the grip of grief? Then I finished, "so I could kill him!" She cracked up. First time in months. Sometimes it's good to be pissed off.

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