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expressing emotions

jjaj133's picture
jjaj133
Posts: 857
Joined: Mar 2011

Off topic, Kinda. I have been reading this board for a month or so, & have been amazed at how everyone, especially the men, are able to put their emotions on paper. It is unusal for men to be so open, about their feelings.Some women too of course.
Now here are my questions. 1. Has everyone always been this forthcoming? 2.Or has it happened since being diagnosed.? 3.OR does the beast pick on especially talented, emotionally giving people.????(OK number 3 is a given)
I hope you don't mind me asking, but i am really curious about this.
Judy

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

I was actually what I thought was ok, my wife thought different, after 11 years of marriage she figured out that when I thought I was going to die sooner than expected, I got to acting a lot nicer, and she is right. I wasn't bad, I just wasn't exceptionally good to her(verbally only). I know now that its not onesided but it took the mortality slap in the face to help get me to where I am now, and Im still far from where I want to be, but a work under progress. Emotionally, there is a stigma in society that prohibits man from allowing himself to be vulnerable.....Until said man sees that he is vulnerable, then he gets to realize that he is missing a very big boat by not expressing what he feels or how he feels. Yes, my diagnosis did shed a new light on a lot of things, and change my feelings and mental attitude on what is most important in life..... I have missed out on 53 years of other type of emotional enjoyment because of that stigma we spoke of...as the raven quoted......"Nevermore"................Hope that helped you, it did me.......love ya, buzz

Buckwirth's picture
Buckwirth
Posts: 1272
Joined: Jun 2010

Talented, giving people write more?

Case in point; soccerfreaks on the Head & Neck board (also honorary mod of the chat room). I highly recommend his blog, not only is his story inspirational, he has a great, unique writing style that makes him fun to follow.

http://csn.cancer.org/user/72176/view/blog

Blake

TMac52's picture
TMac52
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2010

My emotions have been all over the place since diagnosis. I am a guy who never cried but have become a cry baby. touching commercials on tv can do it to me. My sisters asked me to do a eulogy at my dads funeral this tuesday am, I declined because I knew I wouldnt get through the 1rst sentance without balling my eyes out..

jjaj133's picture
jjaj133
Posts: 857
Joined: Mar 2011

Thank you all so much for your responses. I love reading your comments. You make me laugh, cry and go a ha!
I am sorry we all have to be here but so grateful to be able to get to know you all.
Your are right about society dictating what is expected of us.
Men are expected to be stoic and women to be thin. You keep writing your emotions and i'll keep getting fat.!!!
I just love you guys!!!!
Judy

Buckwirth's picture
Buckwirth
Posts: 1272
Joined: Jun 2010

Fat? Well that changes everything!

(;-D)

Hope everyone has had a great Easter weekend!

B

jjaj133's picture
jjaj133
Posts: 857
Joined: Mar 2011

LOL . I started reading soccer---. OMG. I had to stop. I will finish tomorrow. Thanks for sharing that with me.
Ok I am not fat. I am just not as thin as i used to be. The thing is, with my weird sense of humor I told people on my first diagnosis, "OK at least i will drop a size or 2.". I gained 10 lbs.!!
j

Buckwirth's picture
Buckwirth
Posts: 1272
Joined: Jun 2010

And here I was hoping you would be the fat girl of my dreams!

Oh well, on to to the next one....

;-)

jjaj133's picture
jjaj133
Posts: 857
Joined: Mar 2011

No! Wait! I'm working on it ; )

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5006
Joined: Feb 2008

Hey, Judy.

I've always been one to cry fairly easily, but I'm worse now. I'm very free with my emotions, and I cry very easily. I especially get emotional when I find out that someone has been diagnosed with cancer, because I know that it will change their lives forever.

*hugs*
Gail

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1194
Joined: Apr 2009

I have had all the tears mentally stomped out of me.

Luv,

Wolfen

jjaj133's picture
jjaj133
Posts: 857
Joined: Mar 2011

Amen!

jjaj133's picture
jjaj133
Posts: 857
Joined: Mar 2011

That is so true, I had know idea about the road ahead of me. Now I know why some of my friends seemed to be more worried than I was.
J

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 7879
Joined: Aug 2005

The trouble with the situation is that if we do nothing, we lose....sigh...

I had dismal stats...6 months to live, 37% chance of surviving 5 years, 'Get your affairs in order', etc....But I wanted to believe that I was part of the 37%! And was lucky to be a part of that group....AND this one!!! (I celebrated 6 years post diagnosis on the rectal in November, going on 6 years on the breast cancer in August).

I was always the 'family caregiver'. Never taking time for myself. That has changed. And, even tho I always thought about how much I loved people, I never told them. I figured it made me vulnerable. Now I do tell them. It actually makes me stronger, not weaker.

Hugs, Kathi

jjaj133's picture
jjaj133
Posts: 857
Joined: Mar 2011

Wow, that is amazing and speaks volumes about 'ATTITUDE'!
Congratulations.
Hugs,Judy

tanker sgv's picture
tanker sgv
Posts: 128
Joined: Nov 2010

We must not live in the horrors of our past or harbor any feeling of regret for our actions. But one must gather strength and courge knowing they have survived to live in the reality of today. One must stand tall with self-respect in order to present an image of power & pride as we charge into the future without fear of the unknown.Life will be full of loss & hardship. But it is important we do not lose ourselves in that hardship for that would be the greatest loss of all.___ I could have never said this, But give me a pen and paper and my feelings suddenly have words. I have learned words can be a powerful tool of expression to inspire oneself, this is a lesson I have received from many times waiting quietly by my families bed sides. Caregiveing for cancer paitients has taught me how to express myself. In different ways. Plus here people know what's important in life, that's why as a young man who rides Harley's and loves a good bar fight can come and just vent to get to my real issues . This site and the people in it have helped mold me into the man I have become. So yea you'll find the pick of the litter as far as men goes, right here in this cancer forsaken sight. ... or we post bout our feelings cause we can delete any evidence that a softer side of us ever exists if called on it.....lol

tanker sgv's picture
tanker sgv
Posts: 128
Joined: Nov 2010

We must not live in the horrors of our past or harbor any feeling of regret for our actions. But one must gather strength and courge knowing they have survived to live in the reality of today. One must stand tall with self-respect in order to present an image of power & pride as we charge into the future without fear of the unknown.Life will be full of loss & hardship. But it is important we do not lose ourselves in that hardship for that would be the greatest loss of all.___ I could have never said this, But give me a pen and paper and my feelings suddenly have words. I have learned words can be a powerful tool of expression to inspire oneself, this is a lesson I have received from many times waiting quietly by my families bed sides. Caregiveing for cancer paitients has taught me how to express myself. In different ways. Plus here people know what's important in life, that's why as a young man who rides Harley's and loves a good bar fight can come and just vent to get to my real issues . This site and the people in it have helped mold me into the man I have become. So yea you'll find the pick of the litter as far as men goes, right here in this cancer forsaken sight. ... or we post bout our feelings cause we can delete any evidence that a softer side of us ever exists if called on it.....lol

jjaj133's picture
jjaj133
Posts: 857
Joined: Mar 2011

Thanks Tanker sgv and Kathi for posting.
We all have been given a kind of freedom because cancer sure teaches us what is important in life. I think its so overwhelming our brain has to find a way to release. You said it well Tanker,feelings suddenly have words.
Lord, we just gotta find an easier way!!!
(hugs to all))
Judy

plh4gail's picture
plh4gail
Posts: 1232
Joined: Oct 2010

Hi Judy. Well first let me tell you ....I used to be a little on the quiet side talking about certain "issues". I felt some things just didn't need discussing. Maybe thats why I had rectal bleeding that went from blood in the BM to passing clots by the hour for me the year prior to my diagnosis. I have two kids still at home ages 9 &12 so you know how they are about body noises. I hated the "f" word and I don't mean the fork one! Now I find myself not having a problem discribing farting blood (this is not right), poop that is explosive, wearing panty liners when needed for diarrhea, problems with intamacy because of all kinds of things treatment has put me through (radiation, resection, iliostomy, diarrhea,....on&on&on&on). shoot I remember a post on here where we talked about laying in bed in certain positions that make you pass gas more. lol....there isn't anything I'm afraid to say and nothing too personal to talk about. ....Yes my answer is it changes you.

Love and hugs, Gail

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

How can we harbor what we have put into words and express it to people who need this personality change.
How do we speak of this feeling towards others without feeling like "Well, 10 minutes after I say this they will forget I ever said it"
Everyone listens but no one hears, we have to find a way besides the death of us to get this across to people that need it, that want it, it could actually mean a change in our whole country if people understood the reality of what"being honest with your feelings" does to you...you become a better person, a trusted person, and the inner self becomes stronger, clearer....Thank you Judy, you opened up another food for thought thread........love to ya, buzz

jjaj133's picture
jjaj133
Posts: 857
Joined: Mar 2011

Thanks Buzz, as for people listening? i don't believe people want to think about their own mortality. Life goes on for them. My sister had breast cancer back in 1963. Her "friends" crossed the street when they saw her coming. Today they do so mentally.
I used to volunter as a mediator. When my husband of 33 yrs dropped dead of a heart attack at 52 yrs old. I had to stop. I could no longer listen to people whining about shared driveways and kids balls going into their yards. Today facing my 3rd battle with the beast. I would probably reach across the table and choke them!!! How is that for a good mediator!!!! They just don't get it. Sadly they wont till it hits home.
I just wish I knew about this forum when I had my first diagnosis. I wish we had a card to put into hospital rest rooms, lobbies, to tell people about this. (is there one and I missed it?) I worked for a domestic abuse org. and we left our number where people could access it privately as well as in the open.
I just feel there must be more people who need this. what do you all think?
Love ya back,
Judy

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 7879
Joined: Aug 2005

from the American Cancer Society. It speaks to CSN, but also the other programs they offer like reach to recovery and man to man and road to recovery....

With any place I go, where I see other literature, I ask if I can leave some of mine...

Just don't say "Rectum" unless you want some strong wincing!!! *smile*

Hugs, Kathi

jjaj133's picture
jjaj133
Posts: 857
Joined: Mar 2011

Great Idea, will start looking for that, also facebook. Will reach a lot of people there!!!
Tactfully of course!!!
Hugs to you,'Judy

TMac52's picture
TMac52
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2010

Damn near killed um.

Kathryn_in_MN's picture
Kathryn_in_MN
Posts: 1258
Joined: Sep 2009

I've always been very open about discussing just about anything. That hasn't changed. Some of my friends and family think I am too open, but that is me - take it or leave it. Once in a while I don't have as much tact as I could, but one thing is for sure, everyone knows where they stand with me. I don't play games - everything is laid out on the line.

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1287
Joined: Nov 2001

At first I was a vocal advocate for be your own saviour ,look after your own health etc etc etc. I told my story to friends and relitives to try and change their ideas on health and what they needed to do to ensure a ca free life. I don't think anyone listened,I really don't think they cared. The comments I hear from my old friends now are"ÿou can't have beeen as bad as you said you were or you would not still be alive".
I really don't know why I have survived as long as I have . I often wonder if it is because I did not ever care one way or another if I did or not. I don't say that to upset anyone just to express an opinnion that life is not as precious to some as it is to others.
There are very few highlights in my life now. I am sitting here trying to get my hands to work properly enough to type,knowing that I have to go to work in an hour so that I can pay the rent on this termite riddled dump i call home.
For me life since ca has been a constant struggle against poor health and a gradual lessening of quality of life. I find I do most things alone so that I don't inflict mysely on anyone. I could play the blame game but realistically sometimes thats just the way life is. Ron.

thxmiker's picture
thxmiker
Posts: 1223
Joined: Oct 2010

I believe people have a change of heart. Buzz put it well, when one's life changes soooo dramatically we get perspective on what is really important in life.

I learned to put my emotions out there. My perspective changed. I told all of the people important to me, how I valued them. Especially my wife.

Best Always, mike

eibod
Posts: 160
Joined: Mar 2011

I agree with you. This site really brings out the deep feelings that people have. I am
also amazed at the amount of caring that is shown here. I am a caregiver, my husband
is the one with cancer. I can't get him to take part in the site, but he is interested
in hearing about the comments, and they have been so helpful. I don't know of any other
place that you can vent and let your feelings fly. Wish I had known about it when he
was first diagnosed. I dont know if I have ever experienced the hopelessness or helplessness that we went through then. I work for myself, and didn't take any new
contracts for a year, because he was so ill. He had to retire early, was too sick to
work. So life changed completely for us both. He doesn't discuss feelings, doesn't discuss what could happen if the treatments don't work. I don't know what he is thinking and most of the time don't know what he is feeling about it. I know he is depressed,
which is normal, and his hopes go up and down. It helps to read what those who have
the illness feel. Hopefully that will help me be a better caregiver. I want to be
the best support that I can be for him, but also want to stay strong for myself and what
may come..
It is a hard job....

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