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Furious, tired, overwhelmed

march31
Posts: 6
Joined: Apr 2011

my husband was diagnosed march 31, while we are grateful that it seems to be just in his left tonsil and lymphnodes these past few weeks are unreal. Surgery was originally scheduled for april 18 and then postponed due to "abnormal" ekg, then on April 19th i got fired from my job that i've had for 10 years. hubby was self employed but had to close business due to economy. we go to cardiologist the day after i was fired and of course they now need to do a pharmacological stress test so now surgery is rescheduled for may 2nd. His emotions are all over the map--despair, anger at my employer, fear, depression etc. i on the other hand am furious at the world and have been cleaning nonstop which helps for a bit. All hubby and I did yesterday was bicker at each other (something we have rarely done in our 30+ years together) I want so much to just take charge of this and have asked him to let me worry about finances, cobra pymts etc but its a battle. I apologize if none of this makes sense but I am at my wits end...I want to go to a fricken store and buy a new purse and cant even afford that, i want to lift my worries from my hubby and cant do that, I want to strangle the next person who ask me "does he smoke" NO HE DOES NOT AND IF HE DID would it then be ok for him to have cancer. I went thru this journey 7 years ago with my mom who lost her battle and i know that the outcome will not be the same with my hubby. i want the fricken surgery done so we can start to beat this fully....i have an amazing network of friends and family that i know would be here in a heartbeat but I dont want to talk....I want to kick my former bosses ass for upsetting my hubby, I guess I just need to know if i am losing my mind....any suggestions PLEASE and God Bless all of you caregivers and thank you for listening to my rant...Kathy

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

Kathy,

So sorry... your plate is full but you are in the right place to vent. I come here when I can't take it anymore and everyone gives back with compassion... wait and see. I hope you find your family supportive if not your friends, you need to share so you will not be alone in all of this stress. It's just too much to bear when your heart is breaking. The bickering back and forth in normal, my husband and I do it when we are tired and in between waiting for test results. Our lives can only take so much before cracking and unfortunately we take it out on the one closest to us.

Cancer is a life changing experience for everyone involved. I certainly am experiencing my own being my husband's caregiver. We march against time together but determined everyday to fight with all we have personally and medically each and everyday. It's all we have.

No one deserves this fate.
And stupid people say stupid things.

Keep coming back.

Deb
lovingwife, to Bob, stage 4 melanoma

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Waiting is so hard. It is so much easier when you have a plan and a timeline. At least then you know you are doing everything to battle the beast. It is even harder when the cancer survivor is a loved one. We want to fix them, but we can't. The best you can do is the best you can do. We forget that sometimes. The loss of a job, money worries, insurance to deal with sure add another layer to the worry and stress. You husband is worried about your finances for you. He wants to know that you will be ok even if something happens to him. Of course, your world is upside down right now. You are both still dealing with the cancer dx. because you haven't moved on, you just keep waiting for that darn surgery. For now, don't hesitate to come here to vent. We all have a time or three. Take care of yourself. Do what you can. Ask your husband what he wants to do. As much as you don't like it, he is the one in the driver's seat for this one. He gets to make the calls. You need to,support his choices. Talk about hard. I tend to think of my life as BC/AC, before cancer/after cancer. It changes your life. Best of luck to you as you work through this. Fay

Conchal's picture
Conchal
Posts: 42
Joined: Apr 2011

Kathy,

You are not losing your mind. No need to apologize either: everything you wrote made sense to me. You are dealing with so much these days, and you need to vent. You mention you have an amazing group of family and friends, and while you do not want to talk to them now, you will want to talk to them later about both the job loss and the cancer dx.

I am a caregiver, and my wife had cancer surgery (urethra cancer) on 4/12. She had cancer before, too (squamous cell carcinoma) a dozen years ago, including surgery and radiation for that. We learned about the current cancer on 3/22 when she went in for surgical repair of a portion of skin (another problem she has: paget's disease, and she was going in for a skin graft). A suspicious spot at the tip of the urethra turned out to be malignant, and the drs did not do the graft. We suddently had a much larger challenge, we discovered. The weeks between 3/22 and 4/12 were horrendous as we dealt with despondency, fear, resignation, and everything other imaginable emotion. Eventually, just before surgery, we had some further conversations with the drs. involved and got some boundaries circumscribed around all of this, details about the surgery, and what would follow. At least then we knew what to deal with.

I know you want the surgery over. We were there and completely understand. I come here to talk about it because I find many others simply do not understand what we have been thru or are dealing with now (wife returned home on 4/21).

It sucks you lost your job at the same time. I am really very sorry to hear that--you did not need that added stress.

Suggestions? Rely on your family and friends; come here and talk; and if you bicker with your husband it is normal right now. You are going thru a lot.

I wish you all the good luck I can and if you need to vent or post whatever you want, come here and do that.

Conchal

march31
Posts: 6
Joined: Apr 2011

thank you all so much for your thoughtful caring comments. Its helpful to talk with those who are or have gone through this. it is so very different to communicate with someone who understands. I will continue to pray for all afflicted with this horrible disease and have each and everyone of you in my prayers....

Conchal's picture
Conchal
Posts: 42
Joined: Apr 2011

How are you doing these days?

Con

march31
Posts: 6
Joined: Apr 2011

we just returned from Jefferson Hsp after a cardiac stress test that hopefully will give hubby the final clearance and surgery may be performed this coming monday. We are keeping our fingers and toes crossed. I find that cleaning the house to disperse some of my anger has helped however i am beginning to run out of things to clean.....We accomplished a few positives the past few days, filed for my unemployment,applied to a local human resourse facility for help with utility bills. I am still isolating from friends and some family however cause i am still not centered and hubby and i tend to draw strength from each other during the process. and how bout you??? thank you so much for asking, means alot....prayers continuing for one and all....Kathy

Conchal's picture
Conchal
Posts: 42
Joined: Apr 2011

Hi, Kathy--I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts as surgery approaches. Good luck!!

I understand the 'still isolating' response and I think your description of not being 'centered' is an apt way of saying how I (and probably lots of others here) feel these days: uncentered, somehow, if not to say off balance, but still functioning. It is tiring to have to talk to some folks so most of the time at work I try to just be pleasant and keep the conversation on other things. Sometimes when I first wake up I forget what has happened and how our lives have been changed, but that disperses pretty quickly as it dawns on me that a new day has arrived. Fatigue, I guess....

Continued best wishes to you both....

Con

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Kathy,
Sorry you're going through this with your husband. I'm sure he's frustrated and doesn't mean what he says. I think my emotions would be like that too, cause it has to be overwhelming to have this disease. I never had to deal with my husband being crabby cause he died very quick and never reached the point where he was real sick. Guess I'm lucky I didn't have to see him suffer but the traumatic way he died was worse for me.
We didn't have to worry about money & I luckily was left well off so I don't have to worry now. but yet it's still scarey to have to go through this.
Good luck and come here and rant anytime. We're here for you Kathy. Carole

march31
Posts: 6
Joined: Apr 2011

I am so very sorry for the loss of your hubby Carole, i imagine thats what is the scariest for me, i cant fathom life without him. his being crabby is just so unlike him too and while i understand it i cant imagine how scared he too must be.
Thank you for your kind words they are much appreciated....You and your family are in my prayers...Kathy

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