Here it is near 3am and im awake. I even took one of my heavy pills for pain to try and get some sleep, and here I am. Last nite fell asleep thinking of it, woke up dreamt i could see my insides and I was scared, is this a omen, do I have something to worry about???
So next friday the 29th is my ct scan, and I worry, fighting cancer for second time has bummed me out. I have not gotten back to the true fighter I am, afraid every twinge means "its spread" "im not gona make it". I have no pain, am working doing what I can when I can, .....yet i should be so proud of this effort. I dont' take any meds for any pain, except tonite to try sleep. I should be proud.....shouldn't I??
I told my GP,(doc) I need a Pyschiatrist to help me thru this.. Many have said how strong I am, what an inspriation I am, and how do you do it Brenda, how do you work and keep going when they say they couldn't... I do it mostly to keep my mind busy, it doesn't always work, and when I stop being busy I worry, feel scared and want answers to why, why do I have cancer and how will this test turn out?? I won't get results until I go following week for my chemo, who knows how many more after this scan, or will chemo be able to help me, so much emotional stress I am putting myself thru.
Who could I share this with other than the ppl on here who are going thru it or have someone going thru it. Emotionally not so healthy these days. My family told me to think postive ,be positive......I AM TRYING, BUT FEEL LIKE IM LOSING!