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Panic Attacks

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

It has been three months since my dad passed away. My grief is going through various stages, and various feelings. I have been having intense panic attacks whenever I remember that I will not see my dad again in this lifetime. He was 56 when he passed away, I am 28. I feel panic that he won't see me get married, and be there for any more wonderful memories. Tears, panic, intense pain, heartache, devastation... I feel like people thinks I should "be over it" by now. I do not think I will ever truly stop feeling this pain.

I hate this disease. I am so sorry for all we are going through.

I hope you are all finding peace in your heart. Thank you for letting me vent.

With thoughts and prayers,

Lauren

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1622
Joined: Aug 2009

I know that 3 months may seem like a long time, but in this time of grief, it really isn't. There are some things that we can't hurry. This is one of them. Give yourself permission to grieve for as long as you need. I've decided that time doesn't heal all things, but it does make them easier to live with. Take care, Fay

Noellesmom
Posts: 1312
Joined: Aug 2010

Lauren,

I was 28 when I lost my father to lung and esophageal cancer. I had three little ones at the time and I sat on my husband's lap and cried just like one of them.

At 52, I remember and understand all the things you say you are feeling. People who think you should be over it by now don't have a clue, Lauren, and their opinions have no value.

I miss my daddy to this very day and never expect to stop.

Hugs.

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

I was married to Patrick for 4 years. He lost his dad in 1998 to sudden kidney failure. Until the day Pat passed he still deeply grieved his dad's passing and it was something he never "got over." Pat told me the pain was always there, you just learned how to cope with it. I understand now as I lost Pat.

Time does not heal a broken heart, but gives the heart time to find ways to fill the cracks left behind.

Find your peace.

With love,
April

lucy07
Posts: 48
Joined: Apr 2011

I lost my husband February 2010 the same day my 18 year old daughter lost her daddy. the year past but I still hear her cry. She gets sad and angry on her daddy's birthday and holidays, so I was very scared to see what would happen on the first anniversary of his death. I made her decide on the day's activities. I was very surprised when she pulled out his tennis gear and told me that we are going to the park to see his tree, and play tennis and call the day "Buddy's Memorial". What helps her with the death of her father are memories and long talks that we have about him. The first ice skates, that got her, first time on the ice with him, what he said when she walk back and forth in the house... every little thing that he did when he was healthy of sick.....A few weeks ago she was crying that her daddy would never see her get married, but I told her that he would always be with her in her hear, her sole, her body he was the one who brought her to church to be christened, he was there for the First Communion and he will be there on her Wedding Day...Remember the happy days.. Cherish them ...He is with you

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

Thank you all for your kind, warm, supportive, comforting, words. Thank you for showing me that it is okay that I cry, that I feel panic that my dad is gone, that it has been three months and I feel like it was yesterday. I will write more soon, but I wanted to thank you for sharing your stories with me, and for making me feel like I am not alone. My dad is with me ...

This site is a blessing.

lucy07
Posts: 48
Joined: Apr 2011

How are you? Are you OK?

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

Thank you for checking in on me. It is so strange some days I can make it through with just a small thought of my dad, no tears, just smiles and good memories. Some days all I think about is the end - the last few years, the pain he went through, and the fact that he is gone and I will no longer make wonderful new memories with my dad. Those days all I can do is cry and feel panic, and immense pain. It is not even some days, some moments I am thinking of him and smiling, and then some moments I am crying...

In this moment (after all it is one minute at a time for me these days), I am missing him, and I feel the pain, but I am hanging in there as best I can...

How are you doing?

Wangari
Posts: 19
Joined: Apr 2011

Hi Lauren,

how are you holding up?
when i read your posts, it's like you are telling my everyday story. My mum passed away 3 weeks ago. It's still like a dream to me. The first few days were the toughest. I'd have dreams where we'd be at home making tea and laughing like we used to and then i'd wake up only to realise it was a dream. Now, the heaviness in my chest is still there but there are days like you said, when you think a little of her and there are those days when i relieve her last days and all i can see is the pain she went through. those are the hardest.

Coming to this site was the best thing that could have happened to me. I can simply say how sad i am without anyone looking at me and thinking that i should over it by now and have moved on with life. It wonderful knowing that someone out there understands what you are going through.

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

Hi Wangari - I am so glad you found us. I definitely understand exactly what you're going through, and how personal and unique our grieving processes are - as personal as it is, we all understand the immense pain, and heaviness in our chests. The days where we relive the last few days are the hardest, and I find that I still go through that, even now. I am almost at the 4 month mark, and I miss my dad now more than ever. I keep wishing it was a dream... I accidentally went to dial his number the other day when I thought of something to tell him. It is the worst when I have news - good or bad - and I cannot share it with him. It is also strange that I would go to him when I was feeling my worst, and now that I feel the worst because he is no longer here, I cannot run to him...

Coming to this site was definitely a wonderful thing - you are not alone. Please continue to post, and know we are here. It is comforting knowing someone can relate to my words, and my feelings...

My heart feels like it will never heal... I know in time it will ease up, but a part of me is missing... that won't change.

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

Hi Wangari - I am so glad you found us. I definitely understand exactly what you're going through, and how personal and unique our grieving processes are - as personal as it is, we all understand the immense pain, and heaviness in our chests. The days where we relive the last few days are the hardest, and I find that I still go through that, even now. I am almost at the 4 month mark, and I miss my dad now more than ever. I keep wishing it was a dream... I accidentally went to dial his number the other day when I thought of something to tell him. It is the worst when I have news - good or bad - and I cannot share it with him. It is also strange that I would go to him when I was feeling my worst, and now that I feel the worst because he is no longer here, I cannot run to him...

Coming to this site was definitely a wonderful thing - you are not alone. Please continue to post, and know we are here. It is comforting knowing someone can relate to my words, and my feelings...

My heart feels like it will never heal... I know in time it will ease up, but a part of me is missing... that won't change.

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

I was trying to write you a new private message, but I am having trouble figuring it out.

lucy07
Posts: 48
Joined: Apr 2011

Just go to my blog I guess I'm new at this
I showed your posts to my daughter...she cried along with you, but you girls must remember your dads in the happy times because it was more of them (I'm sure)...When you start getting sad try to remember what your daddy would say...I know it's easy to say but just try.. Daddies do not what their little girls to be sad. I'm sure he tried his best to make you happy... Just try to remember healthy and not in pain... Do you have any family members you can talk to....Hugs

lucy07
Posts: 48
Joined: Apr 2011

Just go to my blog I guess I'm new at this
I showed your posts to my daughter...she cried along with you, but you girls must remember your dads in the happy times because it was more of them (I'm sure)...When you start getting sad try to remember what your daddy would say...I know it's easy to say but just try.. Daddies do not what their little girls to be sad. I'm sure he tried his best to make you happy... Just try to remember healthy and not in pain... Do you have any family members you can talk to....Hugs

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

Thank you for your support, and kindness. I am so sorry for your daughter and for you, for the loss of your husband and her daddy. She is lucky to have you in here life. You are right, I should remember what my dad would say when I was sad. I know my dad would not want me to feel the way I do now, but he knows how much I love him. My dad definitely tried his best to make me happy, to make smile, and especially to make me laugh. I know your daughter's dad did the same thing. I am glad you showed her my posts. I will keep both of you in my prayers. I do not want your daughter to cry, but I know from this site that I am truly not alone in my grief and in my pain.

My parents got divorced after 32 years of marriage (about 5-6 years ago) - right before he was diagnosed. I have been able to talk to my mom - she grieves along with me.

I will think of my dad as being healthy and no longer in pain, no longer suffering, and I will think of all he would say to me if I was crying, or if my heart was broken. I hope your daughter does the same. He will be with us always.

Hugs to both of you.

lucy07
Posts: 48
Joined: Apr 2011

Thank you for replying..My daughter just came home from school and guess what she brought in....tennis balls..pink tennis balls (breast cancer) so we can go play tennis that was her father's favorite past time...she also did relay for life in his memory...even though your parents were devorced your mom still can share some good memories about your dad...So keep talking about him it helps a lot...Hug again

tanker sgv's picture
tanker sgv
Posts: 128
Joined: Nov 2010

I find myself getting wrapped up in the anger alot. Or going through emotions I already went through. Does that happen to anyone else, its like all the sudden I find myself feeling something I thought I already worked out. Just curious if this sounds strange, but what's weird is when it happens I feel pain in my heart like it wants to cry.not used to it so I find myself writing poems which I've never done before. Any advice would be welcomed thanx all and I am truely sorry we meet on this cancer for saken site, I don't know what I would do without it.!!

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Hi tanker sgv. I also find the same thing happening to me. And that pain in your heart, I know EXACTLY how that feels. I felt it when I lost my Dad to cancer in 2001 and I feel it again now that cancer has taken my husband and soul mate. I never thought of writing during these painful moments. Thanks for the idea as I did that while Mike was battling cancer and I stopped doing it when he passed away. Take care.

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