Apr 20, 2011 - 11:28 pm
Good evening, dear ones,
I wanted to share what I have been feeling as of the last few days with you all. Today, at 8:20 pm, marked four months to the hour that my beloved Dennis passed away. Today, I went to Probate Court and his will was probated, with the smooth sweep of the Judge's hand. Another "finality" in this book of our lives.
Since his passing, I have experienced shock, pain, sorrow and anger. I grieved for HIS loss. I grieved for HIS pain. I grieved that HE would not see our granddaughter grow up, our children would have no father to come to for support, love and advice. I grieved for HIS sorrow at being diagnosed with lung cancer, extensive sclc and knowing that he may not be able to concur the beast. I grieved that HE would never golf, fish, dance, travel or enjoy retirement, as dedicated a husband and provider that he was. I have realized that this is what I had been grieving for and about.
As of the past few days I have begun to grieve for myself. Let me explain. The night that he died, I feel that "Mrs. Hoffman" died also, right there in that bed holding him. Her dreams and hopes died that night, too. She suffered much, the miracle she prayed and begged for was not to be. I now grieve and mourn for her loss. More and more, my tears are for what could have been, but will never be. MAJOR pity party! But in sharing this with my therapist, yesterday, she told me that we are allowed. We have been really hit with a tragedy, doesn't matter that we were aware that it could, and probably would, happen, it is still devastating.
We did not just lose our loves, our spouses, we lost us, who we were with them. And this too, will be mourned. This too, is part of the process. Many may experience the famous "survivor" guilt, but in reality, we lost much of ourselves too. The challenge comes in holding on or regaining that of us that made us the strong, nurturing persons that we were through the battle. And this time, it is for ourselves! Yes, most of us are exhausted, but at some point we will have to turn on that survival instinct that got us through the hardest times of our lives, and also, gave the greatest gift of all to our loved ones in their hardest times of their lives.
At the end, I asked her if she thought that I was moving into a new phase? She said it is very likely. She did remind me that sometimes, I may regress to grieving for, and about Dennis. But most likely, my "survival" instinct is beginning to kick in for myself, and getting through this next stage, will bring me to a the starting point of this new journey of mine.
You know, dear ones, I never asked for this "enlightenment" about life and death. As I am confident that you all didn't either. Why were we chosen to become knowledgeable, and even wise in these matters? One day, perhaps not even on this earth, we will know.
As always, you all are in my heart, thoughts and prayers.