I think I am in denial and does it last this long?

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BioAdoptMom
BioAdoptMom Member Posts: 358
in Breast Cancer #1
Last Friday my rads onco relayed the news to me at my appointment with him that he and my onco had chatted earlier in the day, I was an intermediate oncotype and would be getting chemo. I wasn't expecting my oncotype back that quick so I was surprised to receive the news. Anyway, since about last Tuesday or so I have been questioning what he told me, almost constantly. I keep wondering if mixed up my lab report with someone else's, if the RO misunderstood, if my MO was wrong and the list goes on. I know in my heart that is not logical and not reality, but it just won't stop since then. Is this normal for it to go on this long? Let me also clarify that though I am not looking forward to chemo, I am thankful it is there for me. I want to do everything possible to lower my recurrance rates and to be here for my childrens' college graduations, weddings and to see my grandchildren and I am ready to go, but why does my mind not allow me to just accept the facts and rest?

Endless questions from me lately, I know! I am so thankful you guys are here!

Nancy

Comments

  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #2
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    Everybody is different in
    Everybody is different in how they cope. I never had any denial, but I think its really hard to wrap your brain around having cancer, hugs, you will do well.
  • ladyg
    ladyg Member Posts: 1,577
    #3
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    We all have
    different ways to react and cope with the news that we have bc and then all that comes after. I know that I went through a period where I was telling myself that it wasn't really happening to me it was someone else. I made it through and you will too.

    Hugs,
    Georgia
  • phoenixrising
    phoenixrising Member Posts: 1,508
    #4
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    Everybody reacts differently
    Everybody reacts differently to the news. I stayed in shock for a very long time and spent way too much time dissecting my life trying to find out how I got it, but that's just how my mind works. For me there have been so many layers to this process and to get where I'm at now and I'm sure there are more to come. What I do think though is, you will find your way.
    hugs
    jan
  • camul
    camul Member Posts: 2,537
    #5
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    I am glad that you are
    I am glad that you are asking questions. This is a really hard diagnosis to put your mind around. I know that there are times when I am fine at my oncology appointment and then later I will find myself questioning everything that was said.
    Remember though, that each of our cancers, while being bc, are different in how our body reacts to treatments, what our side effects are, whether we respond to a treatment.... etc.
    I have taken to keeping a pen and pad handy so that I will write down questions so I don't forget to ask.
    Sounds like you are not in total denial as you are on this board.
    Good luck to you, and keep asking questions. Most of us have been there.
    ~Carol
  • Double Whammy
    Double Whammy Member Posts: 2,832 Member
    #6
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    phoenixrising said:

    Everybody reacts differently
    Everybody reacts differently to the news. I stayed in shock for a very long time and spent way too much time dissecting my life trying to find out how I got it, but that's just how my mind works. For me there have been so many layers to this process and to get where I'm at now and I'm sure there are more to come. What I do think though is, you will find your way.
    hugs
    jan

    I still feel like 2010 was a bad dream
    I put one foot in front of the other and plodded through surgeries and treatments and follow-up. It still feels like it was someone else's life or a book I read. And I still obsess about every little thing - currently it's my hair. Last week it was waiting for Pap smear results and worrying about the possibility of recurrence. And it still feels like someone else's life even while obsessing! I don't obsess as much as 6 months ago, tho. In fact, there are times I even forget I had cancer, let alone 2 cancers in 2010. It's just surreal how we go through this journey, isn't it?

    Suzanne
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    #7
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    suggestions
    I have every report of every test they have given me. This does not allow me to remain in a state of questioning as it is on the report plain as day. Next I take my laptop to every appointment with me. I use it to type any questions or suggestions I have prior to my appointment so I do not forget to ask or suggest. I can type the answer into my computer much faster than I can write it. It also serves as evidence if I forget what the doctor has said. I just beam up my document of the last visit. It also assists me to not be too emotional at the visit so that I can listen to the answer carefully. I can cry or cuss about the reality of my situation later. At the doctors office I just want the facts. My emotions can do what the heck ever they want to do with the answers later at home.
  • skipper54
    skipper54 Member Posts: 936 Member
    #8
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    be yourself
    everyone reacts differently - to the diagnosis and tot he side effects. I never doubted the diagnosis or the treatment options but like someone else said tried to figure out what I maight have done or what happened that I ended up with this dreadful beast. I'm glad there are options and research, and things that work. In the "good old days" they just cut off the breast and that was it. Now we can fight back with drugs and rads, and win. As hard as it may be try to focus on the winning. That helps get through the rest.
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    #9
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    It seems to me like part of
    It seems to me like part of you has accepted that you'll be doing the chemo to fight this beast with everything you've got. And part of you is trying to find a way to avoid the very scary stuff that comes with chemo....sounds normal to me.

    Hugs,

    Linda
  • MAJW
    MAJW Member Posts: 2,510 Member
    #10
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    Gabe N Abby Mom said:

    It seems to me like part of
    It seems to me like part of you has accepted that you'll be doing the chemo to fight this beast with everything you've got. And part of you is trying to find a way to avoid the very scary stuff that comes with chemo....sounds normal to me.

    Hugs,

    Linda

    Shock..
    I was in shock...never denIal...I knew the second I found the mass, that it was bc...this less than 3 months after my yearly mammo and ultrasound...I would have been just as shocked if the biopsy had been negative...We all react differently..I have a friend who went through bc and treatment just last year... has acted as if she had a hang nail...now diagnosed with 3 places of melanoma...she too, acted surprised, but that 's about it....I would be climbing the walls!!!

    We each handle our diagnoses as differently as our own bc...I was shocked when I learned I HAD to have chemo...I was expecting to only have rads...that truly knocked me off my center of gravity...it took me a few days to get my head wrapped around it...give yourself time...all this is mind numbing...TOO MUCH INFORMATION!...it's hard to process all that is happening to you, at what seems to be warp speed...

    As many attest to, chemo is terrifying...but oh so doable...we've all heard horror stories of years ago chemo patients...things have greatly improved for us, today...it's no day at the beach but we can do it...you can do it... hard as that is to imagine...one of the most terrifying things for me was walking through the door for the first infusion.....I had 4 infusions of Taxotere/Cytoxan..no port..I am triple negative, lumpectomy, stage IIa..no lymph node involvement..33 rads treatment..

    Even though we're not physically with you,we can "walk with you"..we've been in your shoes, some are in your shoes...sadly more to come...but we are here, ask away, we care....
    Hugs,
    Nancy
  • BioAdoptMom
    BioAdoptMom Member Posts: 358
    #11
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    MAJW said:

    Shock..
    I was in shock...never denIal...I knew the second I found the mass, that it was bc...this less than 3 months after my yearly mammo and ultrasound...I would have been just as shocked if the biopsy had been negative...We all react differently..I have a friend who went through bc and treatment just last year... has acted as if she had a hang nail...now diagnosed with 3 places of melanoma...she too, acted surprised, but that 's about it....I would be climbing the walls!!!

    We each handle our diagnoses as differently as our own bc...I was shocked when I learned I HAD to have chemo...I was expecting to only have rads...that truly knocked me off my center of gravity...it took me a few days to get my head wrapped around it...give yourself time...all this is mind numbing...TOO MUCH INFORMATION!...it's hard to process all that is happening to you, at what seems to be warp speed...

    As many attest to, chemo is terrifying...but oh so doable...we've all heard horror stories of years ago chemo patients...things have greatly improved for us, today...it's no day at the beach but we can do it...you can do it... hard as that is to imagine...one of the most terrifying things for me was walking through the door for the first infusion.....I had 4 infusions of Taxotere/Cytoxan..no port..I am triple negative, lumpectomy, stage IIa..no lymph node involvement..33 rads treatment..

    Even though we're not physically with you,we can "walk with you"..we've been in your shoes, some are in your shoes...sadly more to come...but we are here, ask away, we care....
    Hugs,
    Nancy

    I am honestly sitting here
    I am honestly sitting here with tears in my eyes over your expressions of concern, support, empathy and encouragement. How comforting it is to know that though you are not physically here, you are still with me every step of the way! I hope I can be just as encouraging and reassuring to others, including you all, as you have been to me!

    ((((HUGS)))) to each and every one of you!

    Nancy
  • Lynn Smith
    Lynn Smith Member Posts: 1,264 Member
    #12
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    BioAdoptMom said:

    I am honestly sitting here
    I am honestly sitting here with tears in my eyes over your expressions of concern, support, empathy and encouragement. How comforting it is to know that though you are not physically here, you are still with me every step of the way! I hope I can be just as encouraging and reassuring to others, including you all, as you have been to me!

    ((((HUGS)))) to each and every one of you!

    Nancy

    Not sure how I feel
    I get mixed feelings.One day I am in denial and the next I wake up to reality.Confusion for me. I always thought I COULD get breast cancer with a strong family history but became comfortable for many years with good mammos.Then the bottom fell out.I was prepared(I knew). Still I took it very hard. In the beginning I cried everyday.Probably for almost a year.Then it hit me.I can't change things.I MUST be positive.

    Yesterday I did a animal welfare function.A family member(a veterinarian) came over to see me and asked how I've been doing. We talked about family and how so many are living in their 90's. I finally said "I am going to live another 30 years".I will be a 30 year survivor.My denials and mixed feelings are over. I am going to be positive. I have to think that way.It's my only way to stay focused as the years go on.

    My 6 month mammo is in July.I can't wait.I am anxious to see how the mammo turns out.I never wished my mammos would hurry but I do now.I wanna know I'm cancer free.

    Lynn Smith
  • csr771
    csr771 Member Posts: 117
    #13
    Options
    BioAdoptMom said:

    I am honestly sitting here
    I am honestly sitting here with tears in my eyes over your expressions of concern, support, empathy and encouragement. How comforting it is to know that though you are not physically here, you are still with me every step of the way! I hope I can be just as encouraging and reassuring to others, including you all, as you have been to me!

    ((((HUGS)))) to each and every one of you!

    Nancy

    Support of theBoard
    I have been moved to tears by the compssion,support, kindness, etc. that this continously shown via the posters on this board. I think that we have all kids of mechanisms in our mind and bodies when we are not ready to accept or deal a new issue. I find myself to be overwhemed much of the time and able to ony think abut one or two things at a time. Prayerfully more good news will be coming. I am sorry that you are going to have to do chemo. My oncotype was 22, not the greatesst but we decided not to do chemo. That was my greatest fear. I never heard anything good about chemo. I was terrified about losing my eyebrows more than my hair becuase I wear wigs and know that I would just by myself a couple of really hot wigs. You will handle it when you can. We all "woman up" when the time comes. You will be no different. When you are ready to be real with yourself, you will get on it and do what you have to do to make peparations. The most important thing is to make sure that you are ready. You can do it. I wil be with you in thought and prayer.

    Blessings,
    Susan
  • BioAdoptMom
    BioAdoptMom Member Posts: 358
    #14
    Options
    csr771 said:

    Support of theBoard
    I have been moved to tears by the compssion,support, kindness, etc. that this continously shown via the posters on this board. I think that we have all kids of mechanisms in our mind and bodies when we are not ready to accept or deal a new issue. I find myself to be overwhemed much of the time and able to ony think abut one or two things at a time. Prayerfully more good news will be coming. I am sorry that you are going to have to do chemo. My oncotype was 22, not the greatesst but we decided not to do chemo. That was my greatest fear. I never heard anything good about chemo. I was terrified about losing my eyebrows more than my hair becuase I wear wigs and know that I would just by myself a couple of really hot wigs. You will handle it when you can. We all "woman up" when the time comes. You will be no different. When you are ready to be real with yourself, you will get on it and do what you have to do to make peparations. The most important thing is to make sure that you are ready. You can do it. I wil be with you in thought and prayer.

    Blessings,
    Susan

    Thank you to the rest of you
    Thank you to the rest of you as well for your empathy, kindness and compassion!

    Nancy
  • kim mom of three
    kim mom of three Member Posts: 26
    #15
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    BioAdoptMom said:

    Thank you to the rest of you
    Thank you to the rest of you as well for your empathy, kindness and compassion!

    Nancy

    For me the cancer journey is
    For me the cancer journey is like being on an emotional roller coaster..
    ups, downs, highs and lows and everything in between. Bottom line, it is what it is. I can't change the diagnosis but I have choices in how I handle it. If cancer kicks my **** it won't be because I didnt fight hard. It will be because its evil. Be strong, and find happiness whenever you can. Make it a point to find one thing everyday that makes you Happy! Laugh everyday and laugh Hard!

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