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Loneliness

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

It has been 7 months, still not working but trying my best to stay busy and exercising. My daughter and her fiancee live here too, so I am not totally alone. But lately, loneliness has just been on me like crazy. I hate it. And what I hate the most is that I am lonely for male companionship.....and I feel that is probably wrong so soon. And it makes me wonder, did we have a good marriage if I am feeling this way? So many questions and not enough answers and I am guilt ridden!

Gayle

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Gayle,
It's not wrong for what you're feeling, we've all gone through it. Tom has just been gone a year, and some days I'm fine and other days I fall apart. Especially now with spring cause he loved this time of the year and was always working out in the yard. In July we always went up north to a cottage and loved sitting out on the lake at dusk and listening to the loons. I miss that so much and loved the cottage we rented. It was adorable! Memories is all I have now so need to move on.
As for you wanting male companionship, that's normal too. I'm sure you had a great marriage and that's why you miss it. I am now seeing a guy that I went to high school with. We knew him & his wife and she died 5 years ago during angioplasty surgery. We never are at a loss for words and it's nice having someone to go out to dinner with and just talk. So don't feel guilty. I did at first but now I have a picture of Tom right on my mirror in the bedroom and when I'm getting dressed to go out, I look at it and he has such a neat smile on his face like he's saying "it's okay honey, you have to live".
Please keep in touch. And if you have a bad day, just deal with it, cause it'll pass.
Take care! Friends, Carole

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

I read a great quote: This earth is made for the living, not the dead. I'm probably a bit younger than you, I could be wrong. I'm 30, and Pat and I were married for almost 4 years. I love my husband still and always will - I'm his memory keeper. But I have no guilt about moving forward and living life. Everyone has their own time, and wanting and craving companionship is normal. I don't believe that people were meant to live alone.

I don't think your husband would want you to keep to yourself, but if you aren't ready for that it's understandable. Maybe you can do group things with friends? Each person is different, and that might help. Sometimes answers only come with time and patience.

Be good to yourself. Hugs and loves,
April

junklady's picture
junklady
Posts: 88
Joined: Aug 2009

I know what you are saying and feeling. My Dale has been gone 7 months too. The loneliness everyday, no one to share a conversation with. No one to laugh or cry with, watch a movie, do yard work, just everyday things, drives me crazy. I try to imagine having someone in my life to share things with. Don't know when or if it will ever be again. My adult kids try to keep me busy, and I have my grand daughter, but it would be nice to have a man in my life. I want to be held and kissed. I miss it. Oh well, can only dream for now. I guess we have to just march forward and see what the future holds. Take care.

Cyndi

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1629
Joined: Aug 2009

I think this is really an individualized thing. As far as questioning your love and marriage, studies have shown that it is those with happy marriages who often move forward first. We are the ones who really miss the companionship and sharing. Just go with what feels right for you. Doug and I were married for 42 years. I don't rule out another man in my future, but Doug is a hard act to follow. I'm not looking, but I would be open if someone comes along. I think it is important to be open to whatever life brings. Just don't move too fast because you are lonely. Be sure it is right for you. Fay

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

The loneliness is the worst! Sometimes I think that if I had lost Dennis to a divorce or separation, it would be so much easier to endure. There could be the chance of a reconciliation, or at the very least, I could still see and talk to him.

I don't like this living alone, shopping alone, relaxing alone thing! And even though I am blessed to have my wonderful daughter living with me and my loving son and granddaughter living near by, it is not the same.

I miss the " man " companionship. I miss hearing that I look pretty today. I miss having my door opened and a strong hand waiting to take mine. I miss the talks about everything and anything that could go on to all hours of the night. I miss sharing a dessert.

Fay, as you said, I don't rule out another man in my future, but Dennis' is also a hard act to follow. My therapist says that I will know when the time is right, but that I am not really ready, as I must finish the grieving process, in order to be in a good place. To be able to clearly see what I really want in my life. To be in a place that I accept that what Dennis and I had was very special, and that it was wonderful, but in the future, I may desire something else or different from another. I must be able to accept and care for them for who they are, and not compare. As soon as I compare, she said, it's not time yet!

Just would really like to meet a friend to lunch with and talk. Oh well, all in good time.

Lucy

virtual_voyager
Posts: 36
Joined: Jun 2010

 

Three things sum up what my loneliness is:

I hate eating alone.  Doesn't matter what I eat, it Never tastes good, nothing does.

I hate the total silence.

I HATE not hearing her say...."I need a hug" and grab me with her arms wrapped tightly around my ribs and gently lay her head in the middle of my chest.  A long quiet sigh and then she would speak softly  "I love listening to your heartbeat, it always says Blub blu."  When she looked up after no response I'd look @ her and say " I don't blub blu, I adore you and worship the ground you walk on".

A coupla smooches and it was back to what she was doing when she had her hugattack.

It's been almost a year and a half since the light of my life dimmed and burned out.  She had one fault, she couldn't walk on water.  If not for that one failing she would have been Perfect.  I say that with a light heart, but in this mind's eye she Was perfect.

Every night ended with the same dialogue:

Me: " Night night , I love you".

She:  "how much?"

Me:  "a bushel 'n a peck"

She:  "With a hug 'round the neck?"

Me:  yep, but with bushels and pecks of hugs too

 

I need a hug.  :(

VV

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hatshepsut's picture
Hatshepsut
Posts: 340
Joined: Nov 2006

 

I'm new to this section of the CS board. I lost my husband of forty-two years three years ago to colon cancer. The colon cancer board was, for the most part, a great comfort to me and a great source of information.

 

I've come here today because I'm still struggling with the loneliness and loss. At three years, I am past the raw emotion of the initial loss but can't seem to get past the more-powerful sense of being alone and vulnerable. 

 

I would appreciate hearing how others cope with being alone and hope to find a friendly and welcoming place to "talk" about the struggles that come with surviving a spouse's terminal cancer.

 

Hatshepsut

 

 

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1629
Joined: Aug 2009

A familiar name. We have much in common. We both lost our husbands of 42 years to colon cancer. My loss was about three and a half years ago. I still feel that loss, but my grief has mellowed. My life will never be the same, and I still miss his smile, off beat sense of humor, and companionship. I am blessed with wonderful family and friends. They help me cope. On those bad days like holidays, birthdays, etc. they offer me love. They also accept that those days happen and don't try to jolly me out of them. I still hate coming home to a,house that feels empty even with my dogs and cat. I'd rather not travel alone, but I have. I don't have any words of wisdom. I just continue to make memories with my grandchildren. I try to make each day count because cancer taught me that time is precious. And I do the best I can. Take care, Fay

Hatshepsut's picture
Hatshepsut
Posts: 340
Joined: Nov 2006

 

Hi Fay:

 

Thank you for your reply. I remember you, too. 

Like your grief, mine has mellowed. I'm not having the crying jags that punctuated my life for the year or so after my husband's death (and during the four years of his illness). I am having new (or continuing) challenges, however--health issues, lonliness, feelings of vulnerability. In reality, I deal with most of the "stuff" that comes my way pretty effectively. From the perspective of others, I think it appears that I'm coping pretty well. Inside, though, the stark realization that I am alone in facing all of life's challenges is a formidable thing, accustomed as I was to being part of a loving team.  

You are, of course, correct that one needs to make new memories and wisely use the time that we have. It is hard, though---even as I approach the three year marker of my husband's death.

 

Hatshepsut

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1162
Joined: May 2008

One day at a time  is my motto and thank goodness for my grandkids who keep me pretty busy , but i wont lie i miss angel like crazy but not so sad anymore.

 

take care angelsbaby- michelle

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1629
Joined: Aug 2009

Yes, one day at a time. Yes, thank God for grandchildren, children, and in-laws. I am currently planning vacations with both my sons and families. Two different vacations. Glad to see you here again. your posts were so valuable to me when I lost Doug. Fay

Hatshepsut's picture
Hatshepsut
Posts: 340
Joined: Nov 2006

 

Hi Michelle:

 

I, too, remember you.  I'm glad to read that you are doing better and staying busy.

 

One day at a time is a good motto.

I agree with you and Fay that having family and social contacts is important and I'm glad you have many in your life to keep you busy. While I've always been something of a loner, I let cancer isolate us from friends. I suspect that happens to a lot of people. We didn't have children and I don't have other family. So, it has been tough for me to connect/reconnect with friends. 

 

Hatshepsut

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2071
Joined: Oct 2009

I recognize several names here from the Colon Cancer Board.  After 3 1/2 years I lost my husband George on 10/29/12 to colon cancer.  I am trying to find a new normal but gosh, it is hard.  Like everyone has already said, the lonliness is so very overwhelming.  Once the funeral was over, family and friends go back to their daily lives, you realize, you are truly alone.  I have been trying to figure out how to move on, if just a little, but have not come up with any answers.  I have heard a few what I call "stupid" comments but they were made by nice people so maybe I just took them wrong or they just said it wrong.  Stuff like, "I bet you are glad to be done with all that cancer stuff".   I  just shrug and say nothing.  In my heart I just want to yell "No, I'll take that cancer stuff over death any day".  I'm sure most of you have experienced something similar.  I keep looking at George's "stuff" clothes and the like but I think maybe it is just too early so I have packed up nothing.  His dresser and closet is still full.  I keep thinking maybe tomorrow but tomorrow never seems to come. 

Well thats about it.  I look forwared to attending this site more often.

Take care all - Tina

Hatshepsut's picture
Hatshepsut
Posts: 340
Joined: Nov 2006

Hello Tina. I remember you, too, from the colon cancer board. I am sorry you lost George and I certainly can relate to your struggle to find a new normal. 

I've just come back to this board. I was on the Cancer Care board for a time. They only provide support for a limited time, though. When I timed out there, several people in a similar situation established a Yahoo board. Unfortunately, that board had only a handful of members and, as people healed and dropped out, the board became pretty inactive. I'm a slow healer and I still need a place where I can have regular communication with people who, like me, are are still struggling to cope, and so I came back here.  I still need to talk about loss-related stuff but also I just need to talk.  I'm hoping that this board will be that place but I would appreciate knowing if anyone has found other bereavement sites that work for them.

Incidentally, I dealt with Dixon's clothes a few months after his death. I braced myself for a really difficult few days and just did it, filling bag after bag with clothes and shedding a whole lot of tears. For what it is worth, I didn't regret donating his clothes to charities and I felt that some of my emotional burden was relieved by confronting that issue. Like you, I'm sure, I have many important items in my home that remind me of Dixon and our loving time together. The clothes weren't an important remembrance and it was better to let them go.

 

About the people who make unthinking remarks....I had those, too.   I am farther along the road from Dixon's death than you are from George's death. (Dixon died in May 2010.) I would give anything to have him back in my life if he was healthy enough to enjoy his life. I have come to realize, though, that I wouldn't want to have him back if he had to suffer as terribly as he did at the end of his illness. That was a hard realization for me to come to  but I am at peace with that.

 

Hatshepsut

david54
Posts: 115
Joined: Apr 2009

I hear you-I really do. I lost my wife of 32 years to a 3 year battle of terminal colon cancer. I could not stand the lonliness. I compared it to driving at 100 mph and all of a sudden slowing down to 10. It was very difficult coming home to a large home and being alone, I got a cat, he was a nice companion but not replacement for a spouse!!

4 months after the death of my wife I could take it no longer so yes I did the unimaginable, I went on an "on-line" dating service. My new wife and I have been married since July. She is a wonderful, amazing woman! It's not easy, I still miss Esther (my first wife) but I am so blessed to have a partner again.

I am not telling you to go out and get married! What I am suggesting is that its okay to be interested in male companionship, it does not make your previous marriage "bad" in my opinion, it makes you human and I believe, a healthy person. Flush the guilt down the drain and make some friends and take your time, it's okay!

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1162
Joined: May 2008

to al  ladies and gents I think we r doing pretty good  take care

 

michelle

 

Natalie19
Posts: 9
Joined: Jun 2013

My mother passed away age 39 on the 13th of feb 2013 at 10.48am 

she was diagnosed with cervical cancer only a year early .. It was the hardest year of my life but nothing was harder than now after she passed just over 3months ago . 

 

I am 19 years old I have a brother who just turned 16 on the 3rd of may and my dads not in the picture my parents divorced 9 years awas Memories of my dad are not fond he was cruel to my mother she had a hard life growing up married at 16 had me at 21 . My mother raised my brother and I on her own it was a hard she was my best friend my only friend and I miss her So much I wake up every morning wishing it was a dream I miss her smile her touch her voice she was taken away from me too soon I'm soon to graduate Uni and she won't be there I can't comprehend her death I was a ghost at her funeral Im confused and I miss her so much I'm angry very angry I don't no why I'm angry at god I'm angry at life and everyone around me . I question why and I beg for her back there is not a day that goes by that I don't cry for her nobody understands and that annoys me I left my boyfriend because he dosnt get it I don't no what's wrong with me I feel his comfort isn't enough he tried but I push him away and I'm angry he dosnt try hard enough it's like nobody understands my mothers not with me anymore

 
All I hear is time heads all wounds in time everything will be alright what people don't understand is that time is the only thing I don't have with my mum anymore and I hate the word time , time with my mum has been taken away from me and I hate life I hate everything for it I just want to hold her hand. 
 
I break down everytime I think about her being diagnosed I hate remembering what cancer did to her and the way she changed and  she deteriorated I hate how cancer got her so sick ! And how she was in so much pain ! 
 
The hardest thing I remember was her last few weeks she stopped talking and responding to us .. Her eyes rolled semi back with yellow pupils her breathing got heavy and slow and she just laid there looking at the ceiling from being 39 year old energetic healthy friend to me doing everything together I'm angry I took her for granted I'm angry at myself I'm angry at cancer I'm angry at myself for being a spoilt teenage growing up and not appreciating my mother as much as I should've I am angry at myself for not doing of saying the things I should've . The hardest was knowing she could hear us but not being able to respond you could see it in her face how frustrated she was that she couldn't respond to us before she couldn't move she used to throw her hands up and sigh because she couldn't talk anymore than eventually she just stopped moving and was only breathing it was hard watching the nurses move her around for her comfort with tears steaming down her face because she was in so much pain I am so angry and can't stop crying I don't no why this is happening to me and I hate how nobody understands me I love her I miss her and I wish she never got cancer why did she have to get cancer she never deserved it ! 
 
 
I often wonder where she is I question everything I want to no she's ok and she's happy and cancer free 
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