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Had first (strange) dream about husband

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

Last night I had a strange, fleeting dream involving my husband. I think we were trying to take his body back to Germany. In the dream, he told me he needed something to take the edge off of the flight. He asked me to call a doctor and ask for something for him. (He and I were always nervous flyers.) In the dream, I remember thinking … but, you’re dead. I looked at him and told him that I would ask the doctor. He never answered me. Then the dream ended. This was my first dream about my husband since he passed. It was kind of disturbing. I was hoping for a long dream where the two of us are together and happy. I really miss that wonderful man!

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hey Stargzr,
That was a weird dream. I had been waiting to have dreams about my hubby, Tom, and finally when I had one it was also weird. Woke me up and I was sweating!! Would love to have one where we are on a Carribbean beach where we used to go every spring!!!
Hope one day, we have a pleasant one, huh? Carole

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Hello Stargzr,
The only dreams I've had of Mike have been weird. I've had a couple where he's walked thru the door and announced that he wasn't dead, he was just in hiding. In my dream I feel dismayed at his announcement, because I think to myself, "Oh crap. I've got to get on that care giving treadmill again." then I wake up. They are very guilt inducing.

I did have a very strange experience the other day, tho. I was home alone after work, and was looking up at our wedding photo on the wall.I could have sworn I saw something out of the corner of my eye, and I'm sure I felt a brief, slight touch on my ring finger just where my wedding ring sits. I'm not what that was or why it happened, but it definitely was very strange. Anyone else?
Penny

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

I havent dreamed about Doug, but my adult daughter and her fiancee live here with me in the house. The hall floorboards squeak as you walk near the office in the middle, has for years. Lately, they have been creaking and no one is in the hall. Not any of the dogs and no one else. My daughter usually gets freaked out about a lot of stuff, but not this. She has heard it several times and just thinks it is her Dad and is not worried about it. Doesn't bother me either, it's just weird!

Gayle

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Penny,
Wow, if you felt a slight touch on your ring finger, I think that's neat. I'd give anything if I felt Tom's touch again. I miss his back massages so much! Wish I'd feel him crawl in next to me in bed, that would make my day. Putting on socks in bed just isn't the same thing as a "body"!
Let's just keep dreaming, huh? Take care. Carole

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

I remember not long after Pat's service, I walked in the house and I smelled Pat, the smell right before he died. Kinda irritated me that he couldn't have let me smell his Grey Flannel cologne instead of that. Also had a few weird sounds around the house, and Shadow (daddy's cat) is just off his rocker. Really off his rocker, more so than usual.

I also remember turning off the air conditioning fan, then the next time I turned it on it was set to A/C 73 degrees, what we had it on all summer.

This doesn't really bother me as Pat isn't going to leave me alone anytime soon and he and I both knew it.

I'm hoping for a dream or a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. No matter how he comes, just to see him again would be nice.

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

OK...I hadn't said anything because I figured everyone else here was having these lovely dreams about their dead husbands. I dream a lot so I figured that Ken would show up in my dreams. I have had 3 dreams of him so far and in each one we are arguing. In each dream, the arguments got progressively more intense. In one of them we were trying to rearrange bedroom furniture because we were setting up a special bed for him. He was wanting to put the bed in a stupid place and me and his 2 grown daughters were trying to tell him it didn't make sense. Anyway, it seems that all my frustrations at him and the situation were coming out in the dreams. I guess those dream interpreters would have a blast with some of ours.
debbie

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

The first dream I had about Dennis after he passed was pleasant. We were in a foreign country, listening to a guitarist, enjoying a beer on a balcony. Each time I would set me beer down on the balcony rail, a ring of fire would begin to burn under the can of beer! I would lift it up and blow the fire ring out, but as soon as I placed it back down, it would catch again! As we stood there, he had his arm around my waist, and I could feel our love and comfort with each other. Watching out unto the street, an elderly man that was selling birds, beautiful birds, was crying loudly and upset and telling all that would listen that his birds were dying. And yes, there, upon a brick wall lay several birds that were dead. My heart went out to him. All of a sudden, a beautiful turquoise horse ran through the street!

I have had but two more dreams of my love since then, and in both, I am very hurt and angry at him! One, he has come back to life. All our family is there, and simply over-joyed at this. I am happy, but all I can think of is how amazing God is! We cremated my love, and it was miraculous to me how the Lord was able to "put him back together"! Throughout the dream I get close to him, I talk to him, but he won't speak to me! He speaks some to the others, as they are telling him that he has come back. He appears a bit weak and dazed. He is starving and eats, which I am glad for. I also begin to think and question, to myself, is he still ill, does he still have cancer, will he die again? And still, he does not speak to me, which angers and hurts me terribly!

The last dream involves friends and a party or gathering. We are there, I am ready to leave as I am upset with him since he has managed to spend the whole time away from me. We even argue! So hurt and frustrated!

I keep a "dream" journal on my nightstand and write me dreams down as soon as I wake up. Of course, some, even I can't remember clearly enough to write them down. But these, I did. My dear therapist and I discussed them. I am still angry at Dennis for having been in such denial that he allowed precious time to be lost. I am angry at him for not taking the time to express many things to me before he passed. Angry because he just left me hanging! No good bye, no I'm sorry you will be left alone. No, be happy, go on living, I'll be watching over you...

I know that little by little I am forgiving him for that, but darn those dreams! They seem to dig up the past hurts and open the wounds up again. Another phase of the grieving process, I suppose.

Signs? Sensing his presence? Three days after he passed, I stepped outside. We had been under gloomy skies and cold days, but this one day, the sun shone bright, blue skies and warm. I closed my eyes and faced the sun to get some warmth when two green dots flashed repeatedly. They seemed to draw near then move away for several moments. I opened my eyes and they were still there. Closed them again, and little by little an image began to form. It was Dennis' face. He appeared as he looked before cancer, but his eyes were closed. I opened my eyes, I closed them, I rubbed them, but his image remained. I whispered, is that you, my love? No sound or voice, but I heard his voice in my mind saying, yes. Dennis' eyes were the most beautiful green. Please don't think I'm crazy, but when he had breathed his last breath, and I was left alone with him, I gently lifted his eyelid so that I could see his beautiful green eyes one more time.

Whenever I close my eyes now, I still see his image. It is clearer in the daylight, and if I have been crying and grieving, it is more difficult to make out. My sister says that it is the sorrow that blocks it. I tend to believe what she says may be true, as his image is much clearer when I have succeeded in accomplishing something, or I am happy with the kids and my granddaughter. I have even seen the image with my eyes open, now, as time has passed. I can look at the wall and see it, not on the wall, but in my eyes.

So, is my grief and sorrow so deep that I am "imagining" this image? Am I clinging so hard to him that my mind has produced this image? Or has he come to stay and be with me until I am better? I have even begun to wonder, maybe even fear, that if I get better, this image will disappear.

I feel that dreams are sometimes about the fears, angers or disappointments in my life that for some reason I have not been able to have closure on. Not been able to forgive, not been able to get over.

I continue to wish and pray for some kind of "contact" from him. Something that my "human-ness" will comprehend as it being him. Some days I think I am asking for too much, others I think, why not, God can do anything!

You know my therapist earns her salary!!

Lucy

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

of a dreamer...or at least never remember them.

I have not dreamt of mom at all....and it really, really bothers me that I don't. Weird...

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

Although I have been having weird dreams of late, just none with Pat in them.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

April,
I have had a few I think but hard to remember. I remember when my mom died I would always see an image of her face on a pillow in the bedroom at night. Haven't seen Tom yet, and wishing that I would. Last nite though I woke up and had to go to the bathroom (TMI) and when I walked into the bathroom, the water was running slow and I know I turned it off. It was the hot water too, so don't know how much went down the drain!!!
Today it's really gloomy out and had a good storm before with pea size hail. Most exciting thing of the day, whoopee! Sure wish it would warm up cause it's only 42 out. Last year we had a great spring, but this year is starting out cold!!!!!! I'm sick of cold weather and just want to be able to go out without a jacket & sit in the sun! How bout you what's happening where you live? Carole

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

Not much been doing here. All my days have been running together. Right now I'm tired but I'm not ready for bed just yet. When something actually interesting happens I'll let you know :)

Been cold and off and on rainy too. Looking forward to warmer weather!

Loves,
April

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I also have not had any dreams of my husband or feelings that he is nearby. This really upsets me because we were very close. When he was in his final weeks, I asked him to let me know some how that he was okay. I am very much a realist so need a not so subtle sign from him or a very vivid dream. Wish I could feel his presence.

skipper85's picture
skipper85
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

Well it's good to know I'm not the only one who has angry dreams. I've had two dreams about Paul. Both times I woke up livid. The last one he had arranged everything in the freezer and had thrown out all the bread. So I punched him in the stomach (I guess they call that the bread basket but who knows if that's just a coincidence). In my dream Paul looked like he did before the cancer. I can't remember the other dream. I've also had angry dreams about my Mom (beating her up) and my sister (still living). I love my Mom and I never even argue with her. The dreams are just crazy. I've been told that because I try and keep busy during the day my mind processes the grieving at night. I guess I'm in the angry phase right now. I don't feel angry when I'm awake though.

Today was not a good day. I went to Hallmark to look for a birthday card for my son. All I could think about was that Paul wouldn't be signing it and my son is going to notice that and be upset (which of course upset me). I wanted to get out of that store as fast as I could. It's just been one of those sad, painful days. When do they stop?

Skipper

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

For over 28 years I selected birthday cards for both our children, from the both of us. Last week I had to not look at those, but instead select one that was from "me". I agree, it was very difficult. It was my son's 29th birthday and I know it was very sad for him also.

Don't know when these moments will stop. I think that with time, they will hurt less, but I don't think that the "missing" part will ever be over. Sometimes I think, ok, I get it. This happened and I was to learn from it. I learned how to be a caregiver, how to put someone's needs above mine. I got closer to my Lord. I asked for strength and received it. I have survived thus far. If there was a lesson in this, have I not learned it yet?

Sorry, dear ones, you know me, most times I really try to be positive, but there are those times...

Have a good evening all,

Lucy

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

The night before my dream I was putting photos into an album, so the last couple of nights I have continued my project hoping to dream of Bob again. The only other thing that happened a few nights before the dream was that I dozed off while watching TV. I was curled up on the loveseat (not my usual spot) and when I woke up and turned my head, I saw Bob/Bob's image for a split second. He was sitting on the sofa watching TV in my usual spot. He looked like he did before the heavy chemo (full head of hair). So now, of course, I am watching TV on the loveseat hoping to doze off and catch a glimpse of my beloved Bob. I keep hoping that I will start to feel his presence. Perhaps, I am hoping for too much. I don't know.

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

I too have longed to dream about my husband...this effort to "to be with him" is so intense...I feel like just once if I could "touch" him all would be well...yet that does not make sense when I really think about it...I miss him...I miss him...I miss him...finding your posts have really helped me know I am not alone in the kind of thinking...it is very strange trying to figure out where I stand...I feel I stand alone yet when I read your words and others words...there are many of us standing together separated only by our own grief and loss...being stoic is not all it is cracked up to be...I hope you get to see and be with your Bob in your dreams soon...my Bob died Feb 1st of this year and I have yet to see him in a dream...a couple of things have happened that make me wonder if he is somewhere close but it really is hard to decipher these incidents...I really just want to see him again...moving, talking, smiling, making me feel safe again...I so so long to dream...

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

I'm sorry that you lost your husband and that you have to be here, but I want to welcome you. I miss my Bob as well, and I keep waiting for more dreams. Sometimes, I have the sense that I have had some dreams about him - but, I don't remember them. I also think that Bob is close. A few things happened recently following times when I was terribly sad that made me sense that he was nearby. When I goggle the symbolism involved in the incidents, it has helped to clarify the incidents. I really hope that you and I (all of us, in fact) will have and remember the dreams that will connect us to our loved ones. It seems like it is so little to ask! This is hard, but at least we can share our experiences. (((HUGS)))

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

Dear Stargzr, Some would think it were strange to say thank you for a welcome to a cancer discussion board regards grief but the relief I found in knowing others long for dreams is comforting...sad we must long to dream but good to know others are also understand. What an awful place we are in right now...this isolation and sadness is unexplainable to most I know so finding this board is good for me...I just do not want to get obsessed with being here all the time...maybe just because I found it today the newness is what has had me scouring the subjects looking for words/feelings that relate to me and my loss. Bob and I were two peas in a pod...we worked together and worked at home so now that he is gone I have trouble getting motivated. So much to do and I don't really care...I get spurts of energy and then sputter out. I have never minded being alone but I so miss him...the everyday routine, the sound of his razor in the morning, the key in the door, personal exchanges that were our own...everything...had did not care about a lot of friends because we were always together...lived, worked, traveled...everything. We both have good families which is wonderful...no stess there as I have read some folks have. So it is dreams I yearn for. The little "incidents" that have occurred have helped but I just hope to dream and see his movement and hear his voice as I have no recordings of it....I have searched for some videos and have none...I wonder how I let that happen...loads of photos just no audio. Once again thank you for reaching out. Elizabeth

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

How I have longed to dream of Bob. I just googled yesterday can not dream about husband who has died and a link led me to this site. I write about it and found comfort in knowing I am not alone...and last night Bob appeared for one brief sweet moment in a dream...how did this happen...did I need to simply acknowledge somewhere my need other than to myself? I also wrote I longed to hear his voice yet had no recordings and today I find our wedding video...I had forgotten about it...it is on an old 8mm cassette someone had done for kicks and later given to us and I tucked it away...and lo and behold I found it...so tomorrow off to the photography studio to have them convert it to a DVD...Since finding you "guys" and reading your comforting words I don't feel so alone...the moments of peace I find in knowing there is somewhere to go other than the solitude of myself is encouraging. Elizabeth

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

I think it's quite amazing that you dreamed about him and remembered your wedding video. I think our loved ones are close by. I think that we are led to people and places that can help us. I'm happy that you found this Board.

Yesterday, I had a rather tough day - so many tears! I was curled up and dozing last night. I was hoping to dream of my Bob. I didn't, but as I woke up from my dream or hazy state, I recalled a line from a poem that I hadn't heard of thought about in decades: "Though lovers be lost love shall not; And death shall have no dominion." It startled me, but it also gave me peace.

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

I am sorry to hear you had a tough day. Our emotions are like a roller coaster ride...and I have never ever liked roller coasters! tears come from no where and at the oddest times. I seem to cry when in my husband's bathroom...so I decided to use mine and that worked for one day...since we are the only two in the house we had the luxury of each having our own BR (I always said it made for a happy marriage). The day my husband died I broke my hip...and ended up in the hospital...thankfully only a hairline but I could not lift my leg so when I was finally able to get home I used his stall shower rather than try to get in and out of my shower combo tub...While it was easier to use the stall moving into his bathroom never seemed right to do it so quickly...maybe that is why the tears flow so easily in there. Star isn't is heartbreaking to just want to dream? I truly don't believe there is a soul in the world but those who have suffered our type of lose that can fathom this insatiable desire to dream...it is so sad. When I came home from the gym this morning I remembered how thrilled I was the first time I came into this house...my future husband invited me over and I was giddy and just a little nervous. Today I can not believe that this house is now filled with despair...oh, I wonder how did this happen...from joy to despair...no wonder tears flow...it is also amazing where things come from that give us moments of peace...such as the Thomas quote you awoke to as if you had just read it - yet it had lingered deep inside of you for years only to surface at a time to give you some peace...unexplainable...yet we accept these little gifts gladly. Hope your day has more highs than lows and your sweet memories can bring a smile or even a little giggle...I love those kind of memories...there is something to be said for daydreams! Elizabeth

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

I was sitting at work, when I thought about a vacation and a memory came to me that made me laugh out loud. It felt so good to remember and laugh. At present, most of the memories that come to mind are of my husband when he was very sick. He was such a vibrant man that it makes me so sad to think of him as sick. I have to remind myself that the cancer was a very small part of who he was. He had the heart of a lion. You are right it's so heartbreaking to just want to dream. I know that I am dreaming at night, but I don't remember my dreams - which is doubly frustrating.

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

Good Evening, Nice to know you laughed today as a good memory came to mind...when this happens to me I am lost in that thought and it is the laugh that jolts me back to reality...I love that brief moment when I am lost in good thoughts. My thoughts of Bob also are of him ill...I feel guilty at times that this is how how see him...my Bob was only very ill very a very short time...he was always lucid which for me was a blessing. maybe this is why I long to dream...because I believe I will see him well. When I see him now it is walking slowly, or rushing for the chair because he had trouble breathing. This weakness was so not like him...he could carry a huge box on his shoulder down the stairs, miss two steps and recover like nothing happened...I would call him a mountain goat...but I have trouble keeping him in my minds eye like this...the illness predominates my thoughts and how I "see" him...I feel so guilty that this is in my mind...I think he would be disappointed I even let that image enter my mind...yet it is there...like you I must remind myself this is just a small memory yet is rules...I suppose the joy of those daydreams that brings smiles is because finally...finally I see him like I want to...I want this all the time...oh Star...I weep...I weep for you and your Bob, I weep for my Bob and I weep for me...I simply weep...I wish sweet dreams for you...comforting sweet dreams. Good Night

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

Each night I think of him before I go to sleep hoping that it will continue in a dream. Once in awhile I get a sense of him around me, but it is too fleeting. I think back to where we were last year around Easter. We were so happy. It makes today so heartbreaking. I hope that you have dreamed of your Bob. Take care.

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

Thank you for asking...I did dream of my Bob three nights in a row...never saw him clearly nor did we interact as I longed for but I did dream and it has satisfied my longing...I read nothing into any of this except my intense longing has been quelled...The photo shop said it would be at least a week till they could convert the cassette to a DVD and miraculously they called the next day saying they had done it overnight...I received this as a gift as I did not have to wait...I couldn't wait to see it and rushed down to pick it up...We have a mini van with DVD players so I jumped in and found a quiet spot where lunched at times by the water and watched it...I was giddy at some points and saddened by other points...but I saw him not sick...I saw him the way I want to remember our life....sickness was a small part yet it had been dominating my every vision...still photos were good to look at but I needed to see him moving and the DVD offered me the opportunity to put my mind's eye in order...We were never big on video taping but now I would encourage people to take some time to just occasionally record simple passages of time in your relationships...I am sorry to hear you still wait...I believe for me just being able to say I longed for them helped me...and you are the person I said it to...I am forever grateful to you for listening and responding. I read where yesterday was hard for you...I am sorry you have to go through this...just trying to come to grips with believing this has happened is unspeakable except to those who share the same loss...I hope today is a little better...When Bob and I were first in the throws of our relationship I couldn't get him off my mind...it was driving me crazy...I needed to think about other things but he was always first...when I told him he laughed and said what is so wrong with that...I said I just need a brain break...the thinking was so intense...good intense but really I needed to get myself straightened out and not be so obessed...he loved knowing I was head over heels...and now my thoughts are just as intense yet the emotion driving this is 180 degrees in the other direction...it is grief that drives my every thought...and I wonder what he would say...I am pretty sure it would be...Beth you have got to stop this...you have to get on with things...Oh Star what has happened to you and me?

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

I'm so glad that you received your DVDs. I have a few video recordings of my husband and they are so precious to me. I wish that I had recorded more videos. I just didn't think that I would lose him so fast. I thought that we had more time. I continue to wait for more dreams. I know that they will come soon. I just feel it. We are facing a tough road, but we will make it.

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

I am pleased you have videos because mine brought so much comfort...I wondered if you had any but did not ask. I also did not expect to lose Bob so fast...fours months from diagnosis to the day he died...he thought he had two or three years....this is so tragic to me on so many levels...I feel as if you and I share many parallels...I agree we will make it...I know this from experience but the sad part of my living through this is that my first husband died from cancer as well...it was only six weeks from his diagnosis till the day he died...I told my sister I am no ones lucky charm...to have lost two husbands to cancer is very hard...I read where people have cancer and go through treatments and live for so long...years and yet I lost two husbands in less than 5 months of diagnosis. I try to never ask why... I pray you have sweet dreams...you have been through so much, you deserve this comfort.

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

I am so sorry that you have to go through this for a second time. To have lost your first husband so quickly - I can't imagine how painful this must be for you. It seems so tragic that you found love twice only to lose both husbands to this cruel disease... Like you I have read and know people who have lived with cancer for 5,6,7 years. Some of them have beaten cancer. Your second husband sounds very robust like my husband -- why not them? Why not your first husband? It is you who have been through so much! I will keep you in my prayers.

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

I am so sorry that you have to go through this for a second time. To have lost your first husband so quickly - I can't imagine how painful this must be for you. It seems so tragic that you found love twice only to lose both husbands to this cruel disease... Like you I have read and know people who have lived with cancer for 5,6,7 years. Some of them have beaten cancer. Your second husband sounds very robust like my husband -- why not them? Why not your first husband? It is you who have been through so much! I will keep you in my prayers.

KarrenJ
Posts: 1
Joined: Nov 2012

Elizabeth, I was encouraged to read your comment about the relief in finding that others long for dreams as you do (and I do). I too feel isolated and extremely sad. Like you, I have trouble getting motivated, have spurts of energy and then sputter out. It's helpful to know that it's not just me; it must be part of the grieving process. I find entire days disappear and I wouldn't be able to explain to anyone what I did the entire day ~ sometimes they are just lost to me as I feel lost. I miss everything about my husband, who died May 17, 2012. We were married 35 years October 16th. I have his voice recorded on his cellphone, my cellphone and our answering machine. I found a company that will record his voice on a CD. I really need to do that before I somehow delete his voice. I also have no videos, just photos. I wish every night that he would come to me in a dream to let me know he made it to his final reward. He was religious and a good person ~ I have no doubts that he is in a better place ~ I just wish he could convey that to me in a dream or in some kind of "sign". I subscribe to Woman's World Weekly and there is a column every week about Angels. I wish each day that an angel would appear and let me know he is in a better place. So far my prayers remain unanswered, just like all the other prayers from so many friends and family, praying for his health to be restored. I appreciate reading all the comments posted by other people missing their husbands. It helps me appreciate that I am not asking too much for some sort of closure. Karren

Rom1975
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2014

Prayers do work a lot of wonders and would definitely help us in the most trying times.  Hope everthing is well now.

 

____________________________

Rom - ABP

ktlcs's picture
ktlcs
Posts: 360
Joined: Jan 2010

I usually have dreams earl in the morning but they are often just a jimbled mess of images I know my husband is in the dreams but cannot really remember anything else. What struck me about your post is that you mentioned taking him back to Germany. My husband too was born in Germany and I still have the last of his ashes to scatter at his chilhood home as was his wish. I just don't know how to do it with my work schedule but I will get there
If I might ask what part of Germany was he from

Kathy

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

Hi Ktlcs, my husband wasn't born in Germany. He was treated in Germany. They successfully treated the cancer that had mestastasized to his lungs for 6 months. He did great under their protocol during that period. I guess the dream was my wish to take him back there so they could make everything right again.

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