Apr 01, 2011 - 7:23 pm
Hi, guys... I was diagnosed about 3 weeks ago with liver cancer and I'm still just getting very basic info. Just filled out my advance care directives and in a couple of hours will be having dinner with my partner and the other 2 guys backing him up on the form. I want to keep it upbeat, but I just feel tired... hell, exhausted and scared... and I hate to admit it but kind of sorry for myself. Mostly I've been OK, just putting one foot in front of the other and doing my work, whatever needs doing, but sometimes I'm all over the emotional map with this. Was hoping to get into the chatroom, but it seems to be hung up... oh, well...
Sometimes I feel very alone with this, but I'm not ready to tell most of my friends and colleagues yet. I'm getting closer to the point where not telling people is getting harder than the prospect of everyone knowing. I'm slowly building a support network, but especially with my work I get a lot of new age-y types and people who are sure to bombard me with all kinds of crazy advice. And I don't really know yet what's going on. Waiting to meet with a panel of doctors in a few weeks to discuss the best course.
Anyway.... these feelings come and go. I'm just feeling very lost and alone right now. This will pass. Guess I just need to vent. Next Thursday there's a support group for gay men with cancer and I'm looking forward to that. There's also a more general survivors' support group that was off this week... I'm OK really, just part of the adjustment process and having a rough day.