CSN Login
Members Online: 13

Ugh!

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

I HATE this
I despise cancer, and what it's come to mean in my life.
Thief
Destroyer
Beast
Thursday nights are my late nights to work
Mike would wait up for me to talk about my day
Now the house is silent
As am I
God! The self pity! The remorse and guilt!
They come out of nowhere
Tomorrows my birthday, without my mom, without my love
I was asked how I felt about turning 47
Seriously?
ALONE

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Penny,

How does one wish someone that has been through so much, in such a short time, to have a happy birthday? They just do.

Dear one, I wish you a happy birthday. I wish you peace and happiness. I wish good health and prosperity in the coming year.

I wish for your deep wound to begin to heal. For your tears to come not just from the memories of tragedy, but also from the memories of love and laughter. I wish for you to be surrounded by loving family and friends.

And I truly wish for you a happy day on your birthday!

Bless you,

Lucy

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Penny,

As I was laying in bed this morning I remembered the days I would wake up ready to face the day, filled with purpose, so very happy with my life. Now I feel like life is something I have to tolerate.

I do wish you a day of peace on your birthday. Try to do something nice for yourself.
Becky

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

Happy Birthday girl!!! 47 is good, I am 8 months into it!!

My 47th bday sucked ass. Mom had been on hospice 12 days...we told her it was my bday and she said "so, what does that mean"....rotten day. It broke my heart, had to keep reminding myself that it was not her who said that, it was the disease.

This is one of many days that will be harder than hell, but you will get through it.

I find one thing that keep me going . . .and that is that Mom, just like Mike, wants us to be HAPPY, they want us to live, to continue their legacy and move forward at our own pace.....

Be good to yourself,
Elysia

skipper85's picture
skipper85
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

I wish you peace, good health and a long life. Penney, we widows deserve a ride on the pity wagon. I try and start each day with a positive attitude but all I really want to do is go back to bed and especially not work. I'm a lot older than you (62) and I had my birthday last month. Yes, it sucked and yes I wish I had someone to tell my day to (not just friends or relatives). I miss having a partner. Every morning I used to cut articles out of the paper for Paul to read. At night we'd watch TV together and talk about politics or the kids - whatever. Now it's just me and the dog. She listens to all I have to say but she doesn't really know what I'm talking about and isn't capable of sharing memories or discussions. Right now we are still healing. It takes time. I hate this grieving process but it is what it is (I don't like that expression but it fits). Try and get through it as best you can. Music helps me a lot.

Today you are 47. You are so young. Once you get through the grieving process you will see that your new journey has just begun and there will be all kinds of wonderful possibilities ahead of you.

Happy Birthday Penny - may your life be filled with warm memories, wonderful experiences, love and good health.

Skipper

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Thank you my friends. Last night the grief train hit like nothing I've ever experienced. I finally fell asleep around 4am, and this morning the phone has been ringing off the hook with friends wishing me a happy birthday. So much for sleeping, but I should be working anyway.The sun has finally come out, though. I'll get through today okay, and tonight some GF's are coming for a sleep over since the nights have been so awful lately.

Its not like I had a traumatic day or anything yesterday. It actually was a good day--I made a reservation to go on a Bahamas cruise with my 12 step buddies. On April 17th I celebrate 9 years clean and sober, and I will be at a meeting in another country to do it. How Cool is that?

Would it be gross for me to bring some of Mikes ashes with me to sprinkle at sea?

Anyway, rambling. But at least I'm not crying (so far LOL) this morning.
Thanks all,
Penny

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Congratulations on your 9 year anniversary. And what better place to celebrate than the Bahamas. Wishing you a great trip...relax and enjoy!
Becky

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Penny
Happy Birthday to you! I am 46 so we are close in age. Do you realize how much better you are today, compared to your first post? So much to be thankful for. The sunshine, your smile, you laughing, great friends who made your phone ring off the hook on your birthday, a planned sleep over with great friends to help you sleep through the night...so cool! And...a cruise to the Bahamas!! Woo hoo! No, it would not be gross to bring some of Mike's ashes and spread them in the sea. It would be great, and Mike will love it and be proud of you! Enjoy your well deserved cruise! Keep in touch. Hugs to you my friend. Keep up with that smile and laughing..it looks good on you :)Congrats on your 9th year anniversary! Way to go!
Tina in Va

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Just ditto to everything said here. Hey, if you want to take some ashes, do it. Congrats on the clean and sober. Enjoy the cruise. Our family is planning an Alaska cruise this summer. Fay

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hope you have as good of a birthday as you can. I'm sure Mike & your mom are looking down on you to make sure you're doing okay. My birthday was Mar. 10th and it was the first one without Tom, the love of my life. The silence in the house is terrible. I keep busy during the days but the nights are so lonely and seem endless. I still find myself wanting to comment to Tom when I'm watching TV and look over to where he sat & the space is empty.
Anyhow, I hope you have a good day!! Once we make it through the firsts of everything, I'm hoping that the time gets easier. Take care. Carole

Noellesmom
Posts: 1291
Joined: Aug 2010

I hope you use it to celebrate all the wonderful people you have and have had in your life and that some of those people come to share good times with you.

Remember, the firsts are always the hardest.

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

I wish you health, healing, and a happy birthday.

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

hey Penny....hope you had a great day! I was complaining a couple of years ago about not wanting to have another birthday and my friend said "consider the alternative". so that puts it into perspective!

You will have a blast on the cruise. they are a great place to join in when you fill like being with people and having fun and they are also a great place to find a quiet corner and just be by yourself. do what feels best to you!
Take care,
debbie

ps. now you have to get a dog-sitter already?

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

I had the most unbelievable, amazing, hysterical time with my girlfriends tonight. It was the best birthday in a very long time. We initially were going to a Blues festival and dinner, but ended up at a tattoo shop where we took over the lobby twenty minutes before closing, and each got a different tattoo, kept them open two hours late, were ridiculous, giggling idiots, then gorged ourselves on greasy diner food and Greek Baklava for dessert.

Yes, completely sober and also completely innapropriate and also the most fun I've had in a very very long time. Sigh....Just what I needed.
Penny

tc_sis
Posts: 22
Joined: Feb 2011

Penny, You are such an inspiration, I am so happy that you were able to do something that was not just a distraction ,but a new and happy memory! You go girl!

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I am very glad you had a good time. Hope there are many mmore to come!

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

very cool and it's you if I may say so. Glad you had a great day hun - you needed and deserved it :)

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Penny,
I'm so glad you had a good time with your friends. It feels good to laugh again doesn't it? At first I felt guilty, but guess we do have to move on. What kind of tatoo did you get?
I think it's great that you're going on a cruise too. And Mike will appreciate you taking some of his ashes & sprinkling them on the water. Have fun! When are you going?
Take care. Carole

Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2014 © Cancer Survivors Network