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What do I do now?

Mash
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2011

On March 21, 2011 I lost the love of my life after 32 years. We have 3 great adult children, 4 grandsons, and a granddaughter due in April, 2011. My husband had colon cancer in 1992, 1993, 1994, metastasized to his liver in 1993 as well. He enjoyed a slower but good life after the 1994 episode until it returned in the colon in 3/09. By 11/10 it has spread to his liver again and his bones. The pain was excrutiating for him. The last 2 years have been very hard on him until he couldn't fight anymore. He has been the center of my life and especially for the past 2 years every minute outside of my full time job has been devoted to caring for him. No what? I don't know what I'm going to do without him. He has been in the hospital so much since 1/1/11 that being at home without doesn't feel too strange. But I can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's never coming home. It seems that it can't be forever. I am taking a couple of weeks for myself before I return to work and try to go on without him but I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it. The love we've had has been very special and I miss him so much. One minute I seem fine then all of a sudden the tears just begin and I can't stop them. I don't want to change anything in the house. It looks like he still lives here and I want it to stay that way. Hopefully, it will come in time that I can move on slowly.

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. All those years of love and devotion, it will take time to grieve this void in your life.

I lost my beloved husband of 29 years and 10 months on Dec. 20, 2010, just a little over 3 months. I have ok days, good days, sad days, terrible days... I am also blessed with our two adult children and a precious 2 year old granddaughter, and many dear close relatives and friends! Try as they do, the love I am missing, they cannot give to me. But they understand, and I also understand that they too, are grieving the loss of a father, son, brother and dear friend. I suppose we are there when anyone of us has a "moment". That is what we have begun to call the times when a thought, a memory, something, anything, reminds us that he is gone.

Take good care of yourself. Come here often, there is tremendous love, care and concern on this Forum. I know that the wonderful people here have really helped me through these times. And I know they, we, will be here for you.

Lucy

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I think if you read through all the postings you will see alot of us here who are going through similar experiences. My husband and I were married for 32 years. We have three grown children. In 2009 he was diagnosed with a GrIV glioblastoma of the brain. He died In June 2010. It has been a very difficult road to travel without him as he was truly my best friend. But unfortunately life goes on. I see a counselor and attended a very helpful support group for women under 60 who lost a spouse. I work, see my children weekly, try to stay busy. It has been 10 months and still can't believe he is gone. Time heals all wounds so have to believe that things will eventually get a little better.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Hang in there, be strong.

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

Your words seem to echo mine. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on March 13th after he came down with pneumonia on top of lung cancer. He was the love of my life and my best friend. I find it hard to believe that he isn't in this world anymore. Home has become my sanctuary and my torment. I also cannot bring myself to change anything other than to put up photos in our bedroom. The fact that the house still looks like my husband lives there brings me comfort. It also seems to help our 14 year-old. I have read many posts, and it seems that time will help us. I pray this is true.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry for your loss and know that there are no words that can make this time better. I lost my husband to colon cancer after a six year battle in Oct., 2009. We had been married for 42 years and have two sons and 4 granddaughters. Grieving really is a process and hard. Each of us has to find our own way to move forward, yet we share so many feelings. We are alike but also different. You are very new to this although I suspect, as I did, you actually started grieving before you lost your husband. You knew your life would not be the one you planned. I kept thinking, "We were supposed to grow old together. We had plans!" The old "This isn't fair!" echoed in my head. Then I remembered what I had told our boys when they went through that stage when everything was supposed to be fair. "Life isn't fair." Boy did that come back to haunt me. Life really isn't fair, but somehow we live it. Time does help. We never get over it, but we do learn to live with our loss.

Come here often, and read what others are going through. I won't say that misery loves company, but it is nice to know that we are not alone. Our thoughts and feelings are so often mirrored in the posts of others here. It does give us some comfort to know that we are somewhat normal or maybe as normal as others . Here are people who have been hit by that same Mack truck, who are coming home to an empty house each day wondering how we can hurt so much and still take those baby steps forward. Take one step at a time knowing that some of the steps will be backwards. Take time to grieve. Accept that the tears will come unexpectedly, sometimes for no reason at all. Take care of yourself now. Fay

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

So sorry to hear that you have gained admittance to our "widows club". Not one that any of us wanted to join. I lost my husband of 30 years in January. You are still freshly grieving; don't expect too much from yourself. It sounds like you have had a long and intense caregiver period leading up to this. Most of us here have gone through that. It takes a while to transition from having all your waking moments centered around caring for your husband to .....nothing. I went through the same thing of not being able to wrap my head around the fact that his death was permanent. sounds so stupid and obvious but it does take a while for it to really sink in. Ken had several extended hospital stays and had a laryngectomy so even when he was home, it was almost like he wasn't there a lot because he could no longer communicate with us. So not seeing and hearing him didn't seem too much out of the norm. For several weeks you will continue to have those moments when you look at something of his and it hits you...he is really gone. Also, be prepared for work to be a little difficult at first. I still have trouble focusing sometimes on the work right in front of me. and there are often triggers that cause me to start crying while I am sitting at my desk. Hopefully, your co-worker will be understanding. Feel free to come here and express what you are feeling or read what others of us are feeling. It does help to know that you are "normal" as much as can be during this period. We will make it through!
Debbie

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi,
So sorry to have you join this site. Wow, you had dealt with your husbands cancer for so many years. That had to be hard for you. My husband had only been diagnosed in January of 2010 and passed away on March 25th, 2010. So I not only didn't even get used to the idea of him having cancer when I had to deal with his death. We were married for 46 years and had known each other since we were in 1st grade.
Cancer sucks and has taken so many lives. Tom was not only my husband, but also the best friend I had. We did everything together, so going on without him feels like I'm only 1/2 here. He was going to retire last June and we were looking forward to that so much.
Each day gets a little easier and there are still some bad days. Just last saturday, I finally read some of the cards I received after he died. Couldn't bring myself to read them before. There were over 400 people that came to the visitation, and that was a great honor. He was loved by so many. Please just take your time grieving and when the tears start, just let them flow!!! Carole

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