"War of my life"

Irishgypsie
Irishgypsie Member Posts: 333
edited March 2011 in Head and Neck Cancer #1
Hey everyone, just wanted to say hi. Last week was a year since my diagnosis and I have an upcoming PET scan (date to be determined pending insurance approval). Though I don't post on here often I do check it almost daily; keeping up with how everyone else is doing. I am very thankful for everyone on this board and the support that you have provided along the way. We didn't ask to be a member of this club but it is comforting knowing that we are not alone and that there are people who have walked in our shoes. Overall I am doing well, working out, eating well, working, dating etc. Trying to stay positive and not worry about what the future has in store. I even have a theme song it's "war of my life" by John Mayer. It's a great song and picks me up when I need it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wo5bX8rgT4U

It's weird though I am happy to be alive and thankful for the percentage of odds that modern medicine has given us for a fighting chance at this horrible disease; I seem to be overwhelmed with sadness this past week. I had posted on my facebook about being 1 year out from diagnosis and people kept chiming saying happy anniversary. Though i was thankful for there kind words I couldn't help but be saddened by this. I know some of you talk about having a new birthday from diagnosis or when treatment ends; but I can't help but feel a sense of mourning at this time; hopefully as time goes by I may change my mind but I feel that this is a sad date rather than something to celebrate. I feel as though a part of me has died and I still mourn my former life. Don't get me wrong I am happy to be alive and I am willing to except the new norm; but I guess I will always reflect on this time of year as the passing of my former self. The young healthy man I once was, full of optimism ready to take on the world with no fear is gone. I realize bad things happen to good people everyday and I know it could be worse; but I can't help but look at this time of my life as a great loss. I'm still trying to find the lessons in all of this and try to make lemonade out of lemons or what ever that saying is!

Anyway, I just wanted to share my thoughts with some people who really, really understand! I just was wondering if anyone else feels the same around the time of year they were diagnosed?

I guess like the song says "it's a war of our lives and we have no choice but to fight on"!! Take care! Big Hugs!

Charles

Comments

  • KristynRuth86
    KristynRuth86 Member Posts: 140
    #2
    I kinda understand
    I'm only 5 months post treatment, but I miss the old me every day :( I'm sorry you're having sadness and I just wanted to offer you my thoughts! You know, even though us survivors are sad and miss the old us, just imagine how are loved ones feel. I bet they're SO happy we're here! Us, the patients, are the only ones who realize the extreme of the difference between old us and new us. If we hadn't went through the "war" we probably wouldn't be here right now and all those people who love us would be sadder than we are! Sometimes I hate when people try to put a positive spin on things when I'm trying to be sad, it's like "leave me alone, I don't need your input" (I know that's rather rude of me, but sometimes I'm just in that kind of mood!) So if you are in that kind of mood right now I apologize LOL. BUT I hope maybe I shed a light on something maybe you didn't think about!
    Take LOTS of care!!
    And us guys here at CSN are glad you and your new self are here too!!
    -Kristyn
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #3
    KristynRuth86 said:

    I kinda understand
    I'm only 5 months post treatment, but I miss the old me every day :( I'm sorry you're having sadness and I just wanted to offer you my thoughts! You know, even though us survivors are sad and miss the old us, just imagine how are loved ones feel. I bet they're SO happy we're here! Us, the patients, are the only ones who realize the extreme of the difference between old us and new us. If we hadn't went through the "war" we probably wouldn't be here right now and all those people who love us would be sadder than we are! Sometimes I hate when people try to put a positive spin on things when I'm trying to be sad, it's like "leave me alone, I don't need your input" (I know that's rather rude of me, but sometimes I'm just in that kind of mood!) So if you are in that kind of mood right now I apologize LOL. BUT I hope maybe I shed a light on something maybe you didn't think about!
    Take LOTS of care!!
    And us guys here at CSN are glad you and your new self are here too!!
    -Kristyn

    Hi Charles
    You’re not alone in this war, I too sometimes get a kind of bad feeling if that is the best way to describe it. It was always at Thanksgiving time when I first found out I had NPC back in 2002.

    Now with always doing PET and MRIs scan it seems like I just can’t forget because there is always the fear it is still there waiting to come back a 4th time. Finally I just gave it to God and told him I could not deal with it anymore and asked him to deal with it for me.

    Charles I don’t know if you are a believer, but I tell you it was like a big load falling off me back. I no longer care if the cancer was there or not. I have been failing the PET scans for 6 years now and the doctors keep telling me I need to get on Chemo, I just keep asking them where is the tumor.

    I know without a drought that I am still here because of the many people who pray for me everyday. And I have been blessed by being a part of CSN and being able to help others and for the advice I get from others here on CSN. What a great place and what a great family and I am glad you are part of that family.

    All the best to you my friend
    Hondo
  • deb e19
    deb e19 Member Posts: 15
    #4
    Easy to Miss Old Life
    I feel the same way. I am 8 months out of radiation, on year from surgery this past week. I am glad I am alive but there are days and today being one of them, I too miss my old life. I have mourned it but I still get teary eyed periodically. It has to be normal. I am finally starting to eat better even though I know eating is a have to and not a want to. I miss the social outings that were based around food. Depression is the pits. Even with all the meds there are still days that are down days. Boy do I sound like a pitiful human. I have happy days and I do laugh and enjoy times. But I still do the relive the hard times, trying hard to forget them' Best of luck and we are all in this together.
    blessings debbie
  • tesa
    tesa Member Posts: 123
    #5
    deb e19 said:

    Easy to Miss Old Life
    I feel the same way. I am 8 months out of radiation, on year from surgery this past week. I am glad I am alive but there are days and today being one of them, I too miss my old life. I have mourned it but I still get teary eyed periodically. It has to be normal. I am finally starting to eat better even though I know eating is a have to and not a want to. I miss the social outings that were based around food. Depression is the pits. Even with all the meds there are still days that are down days. Boy do I sound like a pitiful human. I have happy days and I do laugh and enjoy times. But I still do the relive the hard times, trying hard to forget them' Best of luck and we are all in this together.
    blessings debbie

    Prayers
    As my mother has gone through her bout with paranasal cancer, we have trusted in GOD. It is HIS blessings, grace, and mercy that have brought us through each day. It is very hard and we often miss the old life...just one year ago. But we are trusting in GOD to get us through. And HE will. This site has been a GODsent one. The folks on here are so supportive. It has helped me tremendously as I take care of my sweet mother.

    Hondo, I haven't been on in a few days. How did everything go with your results?
  • mixleader
    mixleader Member Posts: 267 Member
    #6
    Old Self
    Hi, Charles. Yes, I understand how you feel about your 'old self'. I also was in good shape and exercised and I was proud of how fit I kept my body for nearly 60 years. Then, the beast came and changed all of that. It is very easy to slip into that feeling of sadness, knowing that things will never again be quite the same. I have done this numerous times and I still find myself sometimes feeling that way. But, I keep reminding myself that it could have been a whole lot worse. I am still alive and I can still do a lot of the things I used to do. When I get down, I just list all of the things I can do and try not to think about all of the things I cannot do. Keep the faith and stay strong. Every year we live beyond the beast is a victory.

    Roger
  • D Lewis
    D Lewis Member Posts: 1,581 Member
    #7
    You're not alone
    Hey Charles,

    I've passed the anniversary date of my diagnosis, and now I'm reliving in my mind the eight weeks of treatment. I have periods of being down, and crying for not much reason, then I look at the calendar and realize it is one of my not-so-happy anniversary dates. I guess the heart never forgets.

    Deb
  • Ingrid K
    Ingrid K Member Posts: 813
    #8
    D Lewis said:

    You're not alone
    Hey Charles,

    I've passed the anniversary date of my diagnosis, and now I'm reliving in my mind the eight weeks of treatment. I have periods of being down, and crying for not much reason, then I look at the calendar and realize it is one of my not-so-happy anniversary dates. I guess the heart never forgets.

    Deb

    anniversary dates
    Charles: Remember one thing.... if you hadn't been the vibrant, 99% healthy person you now miss, you might very likely not even have this anniversary. I firmly believe that being in good shape before diagnosis made your travels down this horrible road a little easier and got you thru the tunnel to the other end. I think that the cancer in itself will bring on the depression, no matter what day it is. We just have to live with it. I am only starting this journey..... have had surgery will start radiation on Tuesday, the 29th. Will I always remember the day I was told I had cancer, but I think once I come out the other end I will remember the day I get told, you're a survivor even more. Don't forget that's what all your new friends on here are for......we all know this is hell and we will fight the good fight together. May you find some peace soon. Go do some of the things you used to enjoy. Hugs coming your way. Ingrid K.
  • rush1958
    rush1958 Member Posts: 221 Member
    #9
    Never Be The Same
    Charles,

    I'm at my one year anniversary for the opening salvo in the war on cancer too. At this time last year I was still sore from having my tonsils removed during a biopsy and a mere six days away from six hours of surgery to remove 41 lymph nodes and a tumor from the Base-of-Tongue.

    I still had 33 rads and three rounds of chemo on the horizon. I didn't know at the time that I'd be layed up in the hospital again for days becasue of severe nasuea during Memorial Day weekend. Loss of taste, multiple bouts of dehydration, peeling skin from radiation burns, nutritional deficiencies, mucous, fatigue and a saint of a wife who had to put up with me.

    Such are the battles of head and neck cancer treatment. It ain't easy. Everyone's battle is different. However, I guess I'll be the contrarian of the group.

    I don't miss the way things were. I don't miss my old life. The new normal is better than the old normal for me.

    Cancer forced me to focus on what was really important in life. I don't sweat a lot of the small stuff anymore. In fact, I realized most everything in my life was small stuff.

    The harsh treatment for cancer ended up giving me a new lease on life. The positives of what began as a negative experience are many. I'm 100 pounds lighter. I'm no longer being treated for high blood pressure, type II diabetes, high cholesteral or high triglycerides. I eat healthy, maintain a normal weight and exercise regularly. My energy levels continue to increase steadily and I feel better than I've felt in over a decade.

    My taste and saliva function are not as they were before, but they are coming back steadily. I have enough saliva to eat anything without having to sip water. My sense of taste on sweets fades rapidly, but I've gained the ability to really enjoy hot, spicey foods. I didn't have that ability before.

    As I said before, everyone's experience is different. I hope things come together for everyone on this site. For me, the positives have far out weighed the negatives and many of the negatives were really blessings in disguise.

    Rush
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    #10
    Old Self - New Me
    Hi Charles, my buddy.....

    I do understand where you are coming from and several years from now hopefully you'll feel differently. I think a lot of what you are still feeling is from fear and uncertainty.

    I'm not as young as you (which I'm sure is part of it for you), but I have many more concerns over aches and pains than I did. I think it's only natural (this coming from an Abi-Normal)....

    Like Rush, I may not be as profound, but I also have a different respect for life. Things that were (or I thought) so important to me before aren't so much anymore. I try to not sweat the things that aren't really worth it in the big picture. I appreciate the things that realy are important to me, family friends, relationships... Like Hondo likes to say, I'm not finished yet, I'm a work in progress...I think we all are, and always will.

    I'm far from being as comfortable as I once was, especially concerning my health. I'm also not one to preach to you as I'm nearly two years out and still have fears and uncertainties when I start feeling crappy or have aches and pains. I;m trying to work on that, sometimes I can, sometimes I can't get over it.

    You know that I wish only the best for you, your relationships and your life,
    John
  • JUDYV5
    JUDYV5 Member Posts: 392
    #11
    Charles
    Life may be different then it was a year ago, but your prognosis is still good. We went through this battle at the same time. I was told that I had cancer on March 13, 2010. I did feel apprehension when dates for checkups came and felt great happiness when I was told I was NED. Now I just long for the feeling of hope. Life may be different, appreciate what you have been given every day. - Judy
  • Kent Cass
    Kent Cass Member Posts: 1,898 Member
    #12
    JUDYV5 said:

    Charles
    Life may be different then it was a year ago, but your prognosis is still good. We went through this battle at the same time. I was told that I had cancer on March 13, 2010. I did feel apprehension when dates for checkups came and felt great happiness when I was told I was NED. Now I just long for the feeling of hope. Life may be different, appreciate what you have been given every day. - Judy

    Wars
    Charles, you have touched a subject with the above others that is most relevant in my life. And in his post, Hondo reveals that he was diagnosed around Thanksgiving of 2002, which also strikes home. I first noticed the tumors in early-November of 2008, and didn't bring family into it until the Thanksgiving gathering of that year. Though I hadn't yet seen an ENT, I knew it was likely C, and it made for a very somber Thanksgiving.

    Wars, Charles. A few might remember I've mentioned a car accident I was in at the age of 13, back in 11/68. Changed by medical trauma, such as the H&N C experience we all share? Yes. Thing is, with me I was also changed by such at a much earlier age. I was "gone" from this world for approximately 16-days and 4-hours, and ended-up going thru 23 Ops over the 26-months to follow the morning of 11/2/68, with the last 18 happening on the 6th floor at Rush-Presbyterian-St.Luke's in Chicago. I was 16 when the last Op happened.

    Heckuva way to get classified "4F" for the Nam draft! Yeah. I learned a few lessons in regards to mindset back then, and they served me well in my more recent battle with C. Of those lessons are two which I will never forget. 1)Indiana: there was an 18 year-old girl from there with more severe injuries (plural) than mine. She had been a Homecoming Queen and cheerleader, and had such an emphasis in her life on "looks" that it became too important. Her Mother told mine that this girl was unable to deal with her post-accident reality, or so I surmise by what my Mom told me of their conversation. It was the boy from New Mexico, who had the same Dr. as the girl, that told me he'd been told that Indiana had killed herself. Most of what had been so important had been taken away from her in the now, and she was unable to find enough Hope that her life would ever get to where she wanted to be. And, of course, knowing she was looking at many Ops, etc., in the near-future. The Hope was there, but she just couldn't find it. And, 2) Peanuts. That's what the Nurses called him, and was okay with him. Major burn victim. I spent 20-minutes in 577 with him, and it forever let me know- no matter how bad it gets, there's always somebody worse-off than you.

    Changed? I don't know how one can emerge from major medical trauma without being changed. My C experience has brought me back to the ground base I found back in 68-71, with being able to see what is really important, and treasuring more each and every day. And, like that time long ago, seeing how critical it is to keep moving forward with a Positive mindset. Though it can play a very real part of the Now, the Past is not here anymore, and it serves us all in the best interest to only value the lessons that Past has taught us, and keep that past behind us.

    Believe

    kcass

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