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6 Months...

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

So, last Wednesday was 6 months since mom became my Angel. To say it has been a hard week is an understatement. I weened from my Zoloft earlier this month.....man, could I tell last week!!! ;(

Then yesterday was my brothers birthday. . . I took him to lunch. It was sad. He said, he need some new cologne....mom was always his cologne buyer. Last year, mom was dx 24 days before his birthday. He recorded her singing....it broke my heart when he did it b/c to me that just meant he did not think she would be able to sing to him again on his birthday....he was right.

Thanks for listening.....

Elysia

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

6 months may seem like a long time, but in grieving terms it is not. You still have more firsts without you mom to come. Each of these will be hard. I'm glad you came here to share with us. Take care, Fay

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Elysia

Sorry about your lost. Firsts of any occasion or milestone are very hard. My husband died in June and I took myself off of the zoloft within the first 3 months. Did not like being on it. I found I hard a real setback around New Years and was STRONGLY advised by my counselor to get back on it which I did with much trepidation (sp?). I have to say, it helped alot. I guess what I am saying is don't be afraid to use what you need to deal with this grieving process. It is a very long and difficult journey. Best of luck to you and your family.

rubyslippers
Posts: 53
Joined: Jul 2010

How can I reply .......... my heart is beating and huring xxxxx

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

Well, I will say this: I understand the reasoning for what your brother did. For all the happy thoughts I had for Patrick, and all the "get up and go kick some a$$" I did for him, from day one I had a baaaaaad feeling about the whole thing. I didn't know how much time I had, but I made the time I had count. I have the pictures to prove it. The only thing I wish I did was record his voice before his surgery. Because all I have is his outgoing voicemail message, and that just isn't enough.

The firsts will hurt the most. St. Patrick's Day was one month exactly and the first holiday (it's a holiday in this Irish house) I didn't have him with me. I'm doing ok without taking anything, but that is by my choice. Ok, I'm drinking a bit more but even that is a bi weekly occurence, which for me is a lot.

Some days are nearly impossible, others I can get through no problem. Today is today, and I will not borrow tomorrow's troubles. You said it right, your mom is your Angel now, and even when you feel your lowest she is right there with you, keeping watch and doing her best to comfort you. I know Pat does. Call me crazy, but I feel him with me everyday.

Be good to yourself, hun. There is no time table on this road, only signs that you alone can see. Each person is different, but all have similarities.

And I understand about the cologne. I can't smell Grey Flannel without getting all . . . . inside. Maybe the two of you can make it a special memory by going together? Just thinking . . .

Loves,
April

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Elysia,
Can't believe it's been 6 months already since you lost your mom. Are you sure you were ready to get off from Zoloft??? It had to be hard hearing her voice singing Happy Birthday to your brother, but yet you're so lucky to be able to listen to her any time.
It was a year ago yesterday since my husband, Tom, died. I had a rough couple days, but thank God for my 3 kids & all my friends, I made it. I had seen a counselor for 10 months and was on Zoloft & Lorazapam. I'm happy to say that I've been off them for 2 months now. Some days I still wish I was on, but feel that I can't take drugs the rest of my life. So far I'm doing okay.
When you mentioned listening to your mom sing I felt sad. Cause I only wish that I would've saved one of Tom's messages on my answering machine, so I could hear his voice.
I miss him so darn much and it's so hard to not have his arms around me anymore, but it's a new life, so guess I have to get used to it.
Please take care Elysia & keep in touch!!! Carole

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Carole,

I agree, it is a new life. Certainly not one we chose but is what it is and we need to find ways to make it work. I often go on the Brain Cancer discussion board to see if there is anything new that looks hopeful, see if we missed something. I can feel the sadness, the anxiety and so many other emotions when I read the postings. The good news is, we are not there any more. All the bad things Terry and our family went through in 15 months are over. We miss him so very much everyday, but his suffering is over. Now we need to build a new life, a new normal. I don't know if I will ever again be able to say life is good, but I will settle for life is okay.
Becky

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

Yeah, I really want to be off the meds....want to "feel".....idk.

I'm doing ok overall, I think, sometimes I feel like I put up a good front...

I have learned so much in this time of heartache...the big lesson is exactly how short life is. Upon that realization, as some of you know, I made the decision on Jan 10th to give my husband the boot. Sad but true, lord knows we both had a tough year, he lost his mom a month and a day after mom passed. But it was time....together 8 yrs married 7....I was done with being sucked dry!! I am happy to say, that aside from the hurt/saddness of loosing mom.....I am the HAPPIEST I have been in years. I owe that to mom.

I am living my life, her legacy, continuing to make her proud. I always told her that if I could be just HALF of the woman she is, I would be happy!!!

I'm getting there......

Much love
Elysia

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Elysia,
Funny that you mentioned about the lesson on "how short life is". My son came over on friday and brought me a boquet of flowers & a beautiful card. But the thing that touched me most, was he also had written me a beautiful letter about how much I mean to him & what great parents Tom & I were. It really made me cry, but made me realize we did a great job raising our 3 kids. He also told me that since Tom died he looks at life so differently and is going to cherish every day. I guess sometimes that's what a tragic event does is make us think!
I was sad to hear that you did 'boot' your hubby out, but if you're happy now, that's all that matters. I think you are on your way to being the woman that your mom was. I would be happy to have you for a daughter.
Take care & good luck with your new life. We are all going to be okay! It just takes time to get over what we've gone through. I miss my mom so much and she died in 1989. Just remember the happy times you had with her. Love, Carole

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

The song mom sang was from an old radio show.....The Tom and Bob show maybe? I have tried to find it before on Utube or something, have any of you heard it?

Today is a birthday we wonder for who, we know it is someone right in this room, so look all around you for somebody who.....is smiling and laughing my goodness it's YOU!!! Happy Birthday (insert name)from mommy and daddy too, we congradulate you..........

My mind just went blank on the rest!!!!!!

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

Well....it is March 31st. One year ago mom went for her 2nd round of chemo and was denied it and sent straight to the ER. Onco thought something was amiss.

Today is the day we discovered it had moved to her spine.......

I have too many milestone days of late. Re-reading the journal I kept...I want to burn it. :(

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