Mar 25, 2011 - 9:14 pm
You all have been in my heart and prayers. I have been busy, grieving, signing forms, doing battle with VA and exhausted!
I did however have a wonderful weekend past. My dear friend has a "Classic Rock" band that Dennis and I would often go to their gigs, listen and dance to their music. Well, the past weekend they had a gig out of town for a Bike Rally, to play Friday and Saturday night. She called and said, come with, we have an extra hotel room, the band misses you, I miss you! I stalled for a day or two, and said what the heck, I hate weekends, I have no plans, so... Sat with all the wives, laughed, put down some beer and danced with the girls. Was asked to dance and of all songs, my friend was singing Blue Bayou, one of Dennis' favs! Said no thanks. No way was I ready to slow dance, with a guy, to my love's fav song, a song we had just danced to six months ago! Still had a fun evening. The next day, I did what the band does, slept late! But after a while I began to feel so sad, so lonely for Dennis. You see, when they had contracted this gig, he was still alive and we had planned to come together. Laying there, in a king size bed, remembering how we used to love to spend the day in bed sometimes just watching t.v., made me so sad! By the afternoon, my girlfriend called and said let's go eat. By 7pm we were off to the rally for round two!
It's not just because they are my friends, they really are an awesome band! At some point I was asked to dance again, this time, a two-step, nothing slow or sentimental, and I accepted. Weird!!! To feel someone else' hand in mine, their arm around my waist. I have been dancing forever, could hardly keep in step! When it was over, I said thank you, sat down and felt like those t-shirts say, I survived whatever...! Such a small thing, yet so monumental!
Seems like maybe I'm doing better? Ha! Tuesday I met with the Paralegal at Fort Sam, to prepare the probate of my love's will. Did fine. Went to bank, took care of some share transfer forms. Fine. Went to court house to file the probate papers. Fine. Got in car to come home, hit me like a ton of bricks!! Even had to pull over as the tears were blinding me! I said, damn you Dennis, I am having to do all this because you died!! And I'm alone! I was feeling pretty proud of myself for having taken care of so much earlier in the day. But the reality and finality of what it was I had done, was so overwhelming! I know he will never come back, I know I'm on my own, I even know I can do it, but I hate that I have to.
I have two enemies now. One is lung cancer and the other is VA. For the most part, I get most of my frustration out on these two. I have joined three advocacy groups for lung cancer and am waging the battle of my life with VA. Won't go into detail, but he died of lung cancer, he served in Vietnam!
Been spending alot of time with my financial advisor, not what you think! Trying to see how to make it all work, financially. Poor dear, he could not bring himself to tell me that I really needed to go back to working if I want to make it! I had to giggle at him! Please, I've heard much worse news than that! I have seen more devastation than that! I had to calm him and tell him not to worry, I have no problem going back to work. I think it will do me good, and I have till the end of the year, budget wise, before I really need to. Thank God, and thank my love!
Sleep, that elusive thing! Sometimes it comes, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I am so sleepy driving here or there and all the while I tell myself, tonight you will be able to get a good night's rest, nope! It's hit or miss. Can't even catch a nap when I am able to, lay there, nothing. Still on Celexa, and Ambien for sleep.
Crying, stopped wearing mascara. It can happen in frozen food section at the store, driving through a fast food, mowing the yard, building a rabbit hutch for the bunny my daughter rescued on the side of the road, anywhere, anytime. And yes, sometimes when I least expect it!
Eating, the one thing in my favor! I always ate when I was nervous, sad or anxious. Not anymore. When Dennis began to stop eating, I think I did too. Lost 10lbs his last week of life. Another 5 right after he passed, and another 7 since. Don't get me wrong, I really needed to anyway, but damn, what a diet! Mostly eat fruit, pita chips, cheese, cereal for any meal. Am taking vitamins.
All this, and it's only been 3 months since my love passed. I pray for us all to heal, to find joy once more, to make our new journeys the best they can be. I pray for peace and patience as we take every step towards that.
Have a good weekend dear ones,