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To visit or not.

ms.sunshine
Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

My dad has lung cancer. The drs. don't think he will make it another week. I live 10 hrs. from dad. My two sisters are leaving to go see him. I saw him Thanksgiving, and had a great time. We both talked, laughed, and cut up. I knew when I left it would be the last time that I would see him alive.

I don't want to see him sick in the hospital. I want my last memories of my dad to be of us having a good time. I realize this isn't about me, it's about him.

You wonderful caregivers have been their with your spouse when he/she passed away. Do I set my feelings/emotions to the side, and go? Did your spouse want to see his loved ones, or want to be alone?

My dad isn't talking,so we can't ask him. We aren't for sure if he is aware of who is around or what is going on, due to lack of oxygen to his brain, and pain meds.

Jennifer

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

that there was nothing more that could be done for my husband, I told him "let's go home." He passed at home, with me and a close friend of his nearby. He passed in the night and I hope he knew then and knows now how much I love him.

The interesting thing is I never knew when he would open his eyes and look for me. I never knew when he would have a sudden burst of energy and try to get out of bed. I never knew when the day would come as my husband held on longer than anyone thought he would. Even his hospice nurse stated that in her 15 years she had never seen someone fight so hard to stay.

That said I can understand if you would not want to go see him. I became VERY protective and was very strange when allowing people in the house as I didn't want certain people to have the last memory they have to be of him in a hospital bed. Your dad would understand if you can't make it, but do try to call. YES THEY CAN HEAR YOU. Even my husband, who ended up deaf as a post from the spread of the cancer, still heard more than what I thought he did.

Do what you think is best, but reach out in anyway you can. No regrets.

Goalie's picture
Goalie
Posts: 184
Joined: Sep 2010

That's my vote.

My father died last year. We knew he was getting worse but didn't know when it would begin going downhill more quickly. I was the closest emotionally of his children though I live eight hours away. I popped up to see him just before he went in the hospice and he was still fairly OK. SO I went back home and then off for a week of overseas work. I have good memories of then when we could still talk about life and family.

By the time I returned he had hospice care at home and soon after moved into the hospice. I popped back up there. By this time he was barely if at all conscious. All his family was around him then. We talked to him but were never sure how much he was getting. He could get agitated in an unconscious way but was not really consciously speaking. As he started to fade I set up some small speakers and played big band music next to his bed. Maybe he got it, maybe it was all sub-conscious.

Soon after, he died and we were all there touching him when he went. It was momentous and emotional and it was right. My memories of him in the hospice and of his death do not, in any way, replace or conflict with the last ones when we were just father and son talking. My advice: if you can make it, go. If it's really impossible, don't torture yourself. Sometimes things just can't be done. But. if you can, go.

I wish for you all peace. Doug

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Jennifer,
It sounds as though you have mixed feelings about going to see your dad. If I were you, I'd go cause if you don't you might feel guilty. Even though you think he might not know that you're there, if you hold his hand he'll feel it and know that you're there.
But you have to do what you feel is right, so please don't let me influence you.
Take care and be strong!! sounds like you've been a good daughter.
Carole

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Jennifer,
It sounds as though you have mixed feelings about going to see your dad. If I were you, I'd go cause if you don't you might feel guilty. Even though you think he might not know that you're there, if you hold his hand he'll feel it and know that you're there.
But you have to do what you feel is right, so please don't let me influence you.
Take care and be strong!! sounds like you've been a good daughter.
Carole

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Jennifer,
It sounds as though you have mixed feelings about going to see your dad. If I were you, I'd go cause if you don't you might feel guilty. Even though you think he might not know that you're there, if you hold his hand he'll feel it and know that you're there.
But you have to do what you feel is right, so please don't let me influence you.
Take care and be strong!! sounds like you've been a good daughter.
Carole

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

Only you can answer the question of whether or not you should go. My mom was sick 207 days, on hopsice 7 weeks. I did not work at all those 7 weeks. Her house is 2 miles from me. I wanted to be there....it was my choice.

Best thing I can tell you is to just live without regrets. If you want to be there, you will go. If you want to have your last memories Thanksgiving, and can do make that decision without regrets, then do it.

Much love, be good to yourself.
Elysia

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1622
Joined: Aug 2009

You're wrong. This is about you. It is a decision you have to make. I can tell you that my family felt better for having said good bye. My husband was fairly lucid until his last day, and he did appreciate people coming. Some who didn't come have expressed regrets that they didn't. You dont mention your mother. If she is in the picture, you might want to go to give her your support. Do whatever is right for you. Fay

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

Dear jennifer
I suggest that you definitely go see and be with your dad. I spent every last day and minute with my dad before he passed from esophageal cancer. You do not want to regret this decision for the rest of your life. Let him see you, tell him you love him, give him your blessing to move on. It will be worth your trip, and you also need to spend time with your sisters. Peace be with you at this most difficult time.
Tina in Va

CherylMike
Posts: 118
Joined: Oct 2009

My husband passed away of head and neck cancer in 2009. He had fallen at home, ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks, went to a hopice in care facility for 1 week and then went home, where he passed the next evening. The doctor at hospice told me that he was in a coma and would not wake up. When he was at home, he did wake up and speak to me and each of his three children. He was difficult to understand but he did wake up and speak to each of us (He spoke to our eldest son for 10 minutes). I do not think anyone really knows if someone will "wake up" or not. All that being said, you need to make this decision for yourself. This is something that only you can decide. I know that myself, my children and my husbands mom, dad and sister were glad that they could be with Mike when he passed. I held his hand when he died and would not have had it any other way. Everyone there found comfort in being with each other when he passed. I know that my husband did not want to be alone. He made it very clear that he wanted to die at home, surrounded by his family. He was scared and so were we. We found strength in each other. Jennifer, you need to do what is right for you. Whatever you decide is the right decision. You are in my prayers ~Cheryl

dianelynn41's picture
dianelynn41
Posts: 71
Joined: Jan 2011

Hello,

My Dad passed away in 2007 in hospice care for one day. They said he was in a coma but we believe he could hear us, he had a stroke after a surgery for his heart, he also had cancer.
But I was there with my sisters and my Mom, when he passed we were all sitting and talking about my Dad and laughing a little at the stories. It was a peacefull passing and very emotional for us of course, but it was the way it was suppose to be. I would have regretted not being there.
But as is everything in life we all have to make choices that are right for us.

My prayers are with you and your family.

Diane

ms.sunshine
Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

I went to see him, after realizing if I were dying I def. would want my two sons with me.
It wasn't bad at all. He was my elderly dad lying in a bed. We spent a week there, I stayed with him more than my sisters. I took care of him doing little things for him. I discovered it was a privledge to be there with him.

My dad's wife,I'm sorry to say is a ding bat, has no clue. We talked to the drs., social workers, and others to find out what his options are in his care.

I sat by his bed reading Psalms to him. By the end of the week he had made a full turn around. He was eating, talking, laughing. He will be going into an assisted living home. He told me that is where he wanted to go, not home. I don't think he was getting the proper care from his wife.

I felt at peace with the arrangements that we made, and the care he will be getting. I don't know how much time he has left, but he's ok with it. When the time comes, he's ready. My dad and mom divorced when I was 3, so I didn't see him that much. I wish I could have been able to spend more time with him when I was a child, but I had no control over that. I can tell you he surely regrets it now. To late, can't go back.

btw: Before we left our dad's wife informed us that when he passes she will get everything, and when she passes all goes to her side of the family. Huh, all I want is pictures of dad's family.

Thanks for all your kindness. I realized that you caregivers are very special , indeed.
Jennifer

dianelynn41's picture
dianelynn41
Posts: 71
Joined: Jan 2011

I am so glad you got to spend some real quality time with your Dad and glad to hear of his turn around. Maybe you'll have more time with him.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Jennifer,
I'm so glad that you went to see your dad. And maybe he made a turnaround cause you came there. What the heck did his wife have to say that she gets everything for??? Never met her, but she does sound like a ding bat!!!
Well, keep letting us know how things are going. But I'm sure you feel alot better now that you've gone to see him. Take care Jennifer! Carole

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

for updating - I was having a "no good news" day and that brought a smile to my face. It really sounds like your visit did both of you a lot of good. Yay for the good guys.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1622
Joined: Aug 2009

Thanks for the update. I am so glad you decided to go and that going turned out to be the right answer for you. The memories of this visit will always be with you. Fay

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