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the coffee ain't workin' anymore

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

If you listen to country, forgive me for the misuse of the song title. I'm trying NOT to become a lush.

The past few days I've been getting increasingly tired and achy. I figured it was Aunt Flow coming to visit (yes ladies who Aunt Flow no longer visits, rub it in), my wisdom teeth coming in some more (why are they called wisdom teeth anyway? you don't get any wiser!), and just general malaise. I'm not sleeping all that great, and when I do I spend too much time on one side or the other so my hips end up killing me the next day. I keep getting hives with no apparent cause, and I snap at the stupidest things.

Yes, I need to go visit the docs.

Today I decided to strip our bed and file some paperwork that ended up on the bed and try and go through some of his things. I'm always so ambitious. I managed to strip the bed and wash the bed clothes, and move the paperwork to a different location, but not go through it. Then I was hit by a Mack truck of exhaustion and all I can do now is alternate between laying on and sitting on the squishy couch.

I did put the sheets on the bed, as the blanket and comforter is still in the wash. That was the first time I looked at that bed and wanted to climb right in it. But I know if I start down that road, I will never get back out. There is too many things that need done for me to hide in our bed.

Is anyone else just plain tired?

mr steve
Posts: 286
Joined: Sep 2009

April,

I use coffee as a chaaser for redbull with a shot 5 hour energry boost in it...I write a day down llike tues Mar 29th. make no plans for that day and then crash you dont feel as depressed about wasteing a day since you planned for it. It works for me but I'm just a man...

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

Did you really do that in the first line? I would be climbing the walls!

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

that's the word that I would use. A lot of it is coming from my lack of sleep (hmmm.why am I on here and not going to sleep right now?) But, apparently, grief is not just a mental/emotional process but a physical one as well. I know even on the rare days that I get a decent night's sleep, a few hours after I am up I feel like I could crash again. But I don't. I'm one of those people that would feel too guilty to lay down and nap with all I have to do. I don't think I'd try Mr. Steve's route of extreme caffeine, etc...that will make you worse in the long run. Just take advantage of your current situation and get extra rest when you can. We will eventually be back to our former energy levels (I hope!!)

The psalmist apparently felt the same way:

"My bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? (Psalm 6:2-3)

Debbie

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Yes, I am just plain tired. Unfortunately this grieving manifests itself in many ways. It has been nine months since my husband has passed and maybe doing a bit better. In the earlier months not only was I exhausted all the time, but I had joint pain, headaches, I was clumsy, lazy.... Just got to recognize all these things for what they are, symptoms of grief.

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

What Beckymarie said. Some days I wake up feeling (Physically) like I'm a million years old.
Penny

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

April,
I think you are just going through the after effects of losing Patrick. You were under so much stress during the time he was sick and didn't have time to be tired. Well, now you have all the time in the world and your body is just telling you "hey April, it's time to relax" so if you feel tired, lay down & rest. We have all gone through this stressful time and when all that crap is going on the adrenaline keeps pumping, but once it's over it's like "okay, now what??" We loved our guys and going on alone without them isn't an easy thing to do.
Today it's one year since I lost Tom. I feel like I'm just wiped out and I haven't done a darn thing. Other than cry and remember every last minute of that horrible night. I pray to God that it'll get easier, cause these memories although they are good ones of the times we spent together, but they're also so hard cause I wanted to grow old with him and here I sit alone! Please take care april. We are "Survivors" and we have to go on.
Friends forever, Carole

skipper85's picture
skipper85
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

I guess I'm in the same boat with you guys. I'm tired from having weird dreams and when I do get a semi-good sleep I wake up and after breakfast I'm ready to crash again. I work from home and that's double bad because I'm not getting anything done. At least if I had an office job I'd have to work. Some days I just stay in my PJ's all day. My back is shot. I think why we have some aches & pains is that during our spouses illnesses our muscles were all tight because of the stress. Now that the main stress is going away (slowly) when we over use our muscles or backs we strain them. I've started stretching a lot. I started when I couldn't bend down to put on my underwear or pants (and I'm a slim person). I used to work out at Curves all the time but I quit that when Paul was sick and now the money just isn't there for it. I guess I'll have to go back to dancing with Richard Simmons :0 I love Richard.

It's good to know that others are having the same symptoms and they're all part of the process.

I'm so glad that Paul passed before me. I wouldn't want him to have to go through this. I don't think he could handle the grief. Thankfully he's in a much better place. I hope he's met up with your husbands. They all sound like they would get along great.

Let's try and keep our spirits up one day at a time - one hour at a time. We're going to make it through this.

Skipper

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

'Cause in my mind, peace I'd find,
When they'd start to pour.....

One day at a time love, 1 minute even. In time, the exhaustion will pass. And then, it will rear it's ugly head again!! Dang it!!! Push through.....

I feel ya on Aunt Flo......damn relatives!!!

Be good to yourself!
ELysia

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Thank you all for posting about how tired you all have been. I was hoping that it was not just me. I just started reading a book about loss of a spouse (present from a friend of mine). This also states that exhaustion is part of the grieving as well as the fact that we have all gone through a very physically trying period as a caregiver. Either way, I, like April, Penny, Steve, etc., am tired too; especially after work (which was not the case in the past).

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

Glad (but not glad) this isn't just me. It's like the littlest things require the most effort.

Seriously, LAUNDRY? I'm not even taking to the laundrymat! Holy cannoli . . .

But the more I think about it, all the pent up stress, tension, and waaaaay too much adrenaline has to go somewhere. For me, it's hives and facial swelling at random times. I'm just happy the swelling doesn't happen when I'm out. Oh dear God . . . and before you ask, no it's not an allergic reaction to anything. It just happens.

Case in point, when I got the phoenix on my calf, I hardly bled at all. When I went back to get some shading done this past weekend, I bled like a stuck pig. I'm really believing it now - this is all related.

For anyone curious, I'll put a pic up when it's healed. Can't really see much of anything at the moment :)

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Girl, you know I'm curious. Definitely post a pic when you can. I'm currently working on getting a breast cancer and liver cancer ribbon tattoo entwined as a memorial. I have the spot picked out, just not the actual picture.
Penny

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

you'll get a pic when it's healed, don't even have to ask. :)

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

How strange....I am not a tattoo person at all but for the last month have kept having this thought go through my head of getting a small one of a remembrance ribbon in the head/neck cancer color. Can't decide where I want to put it though. When you are our age, you start thinking about which areas of skin will sag the least! LOL
But then somebody asked if I really wanted to have a memory of my husband in front of me every day that represented the cancer and pain that he went through. Wouldn't I want good memories instead? So, I don't know. I'm still wrestling with it.

Meanwhile, my 19 year old daughter emails me last week to tell me not to get mad but that she was going to get a tattoo. I know she figured that I would freak out and yell at her (I guess that's why she emailed instead of telling me in person). She would also never do a tattoo of something frivolous like a butterfly, etc. She also wanted something to commemorate her dad and her loss. It was very rough for her 'cause she sat in the bathroom floor holding him in her arms as he bled to death. She has spoken very little about it but I know that the visions must haunt her. Anyway, what she wanted to have put on was - "Tough times don't last but tough people do. 01-08-11 ". How could I get mad at her for that? I actually broke down crying at my desk as I read it. When I answered her and told her I understood and that i had been considering one myself, she flipped. I'm sure she couldn't believe her "uncool" mom would ever do something like that. When my youngest son (12) saw hers, he wanted to know how old he had to be before he could get one. Oh boy...do tat parlors give group rates??
Debbie

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

That should be a really neat tat; look forward to seeing it.
Dina

skipper85's picture
skipper85
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

Are Tats part of the grieving process? I recently had my ears pierced (at a tattoo place). I've never worn earrings in my life (I'm 62) and I just felt like it was time. My daughter got her tats there and she recommended it as being very sterile. Anyway, I have been thinking of getting a dragonfly. Just a small one to commemorate a new beginning. I'm not exactly feeling the "new beginning" right now but maybe in the future some time.

Right now I'm still always tired. I just want to sleep or vegg out.

Both my kids have 3 or 4 tats each. Every one of them commemorates a significant event in their life. They haven't gotten one in memory of their Dad yet, but I think that's because they are still coming to terms with his loss.

Would love to see any Tats you guys get. Right now I'd better get back to work or I should say start to do some work.

Skipper

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

Tattoos are very personal. I started getting my ink when I was 18, over 12 years ago now. The phoenix just fit - 30th birthday in the midst of Pat's cancer, now it means even more. It's means alot too because I went to the same artist that Pat got some of his work done over 20 years ago.

Do what's best hun. I remember someone asking me if I wanted Pat's name inked on me, or something commemorating him. I can't do it - his name and life are already tattooed on my heart.

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

I only have 3 of them, but I really want Doug's initials....so I think I will pick out a script and have DJ put on the front part of my hip....not noticible in case of a job!!!!

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

All 6 of my tattoos are easily hidden. All I have to do is get dressed! I'm still waffling between getting something and getting nothing. I want to get a rather large piece on my back as a cover up for something else (no I'm not telling). I may see if I can get something worked in, but again I'm still waffling.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

Hey April
Thanks to you and all who responded to your post. I love the Aunt Flow reference!! Never heard it called that. Glad to know that we are all in the same boat. I have not felt as bad as some of you in this past year of grieving the loss of my dad. March 9,2010. I must give credit to the fact that I am a faithful Christian. God has been with me from my dad's dx to his passing, to us grieving. God has let me lean on him. God has kept me strong. God made us all a promise that all of us who believe in him will have eternal life. God always keeps his promises. I am confident that you all and I will see our loved ones again. And what a great place God's Kingdom will be. You all keep hanging in there. We are doing a great job. We are here for eachother, and are helping so many people on here that are new to this cancer journey! Hugs to all. Keep in touch. Come on over to chat room too!
Tina in Va

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