Mar 21, 2011 - 3:21 am
I have a son who is 23 years old and graduated from U of o yesterday. I am so angry my husband is not here to support my son and to show how proud he would be of his oldest son. He bought a graduation card for my son and never wrote on it. I have another son who is a Junior at OSU. I know it is not my husbands fault he got sick and died, but the responsibility of maintaining the responsibilities of my boys, house and day to day living is so overwhelming. I am down about 120,000.00 a year to maintain the life style we were use to. I have not had to live from paycheck to paycheck for 15 years. I want to still provide my boys the same life style they were accustomed to. I know life changes and everything else changes but I am having a real issue dealing with it. I almost feel I have to overcompensate for the loss of their dad. They are dealing with it much better than I am, from what they are telling me. They think I am to emotional and I need to get over it. I do not like to go in public alone, I have not a single friend and am not really interested in dating at all. I know I need to find "hobbies: but my only life I have ever know is to take care of my husband and children. I know I need to let go of my kids, but they are the glue that holds me together. I really feel like "disappearing" and leaving my kids all our assets would be the right thing to do, so they do not feel like "babysitting" me. I miss the shooting off ideas to my husband and having him disagree or not. I do not feel I will ever have anyone to TRUST with anything. A true friend that my husband was for me. I want to quit my job! I just want a different life and new interests. Working full time and taking care of a home all by myself overwhelms me. I know it a chicken way out but I would like to be done with life. I am not strong enough to keep fighting every day to be a perfectionist every day. I am really a good person, very giving and really miss taking care of a family. Does anyone have any suggestions as to overcome the loss of my husband and not make my children feel I can not live if they are not a constant in my life. I have not single friends and do not feel comfortable associating with any FAMILY or acquaintances that we had with family friends. I have basically shut everyone out!!!I have my family, friends but I am totally tired of being the widow that needs help from my friends. I want to do this on my own even if it kills me. Does anyone know of any professional services that can help me make the right choices or guide me? I do not want to get up in the morning, I feel very angry and at my job as an office manger I am so negative. I really want to be positive. Do I need to change jobs even though I make good money. I just want to start a new life with no baggage, be happy and live each day happy like I have in the past 26 years. I still not have honored my husbands wishes to have his ashes spread where he wanted, I just cant do it. They sit in a very special box in my family room, that I just can not dispose of as that would be a final reality check. How crazy am I?