Off topic....may be my last dutch treat....sigh....

KathiM
KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
in Breast Cancer #1
After 19 years, my beau and I are talking a split. More me than him, but both of us have been unhappy for a while. I will stay for his birthday, but, beyond that, well, it's uncertain.

Fighting the beast more than once has taught me that sometimes the best decisions for myself are the most painful ones. This one fits that category. It's a mess, but as I express my feelings with him, I feel lighter and lighter....no blame, no regrets, we have had many, many good years...I loved him passionately, he me as well. Cancer was the death knell. I'm a bit frightened of starting my life over again, but then I remember that I started that 6 years ago, with hearing those 3 dreadful words...

So, if you can spare a thought...just wish me good choices...I'm not even sure how it will turn out....

Hugs, Kathi
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Comments

  • Brooklynchele
    Brooklynchele Member Posts: 123
    #2
    Wanted to respond
    Kathi,
    I saw that nobody had responded yet. Probably because it's just so hard to find the right words. From what I've learned of you over the past year(ish), you are a caring and wonderful person. What I've learned from bc over the past year(ish)is that this is not a dress rehearsal. We all deserve what's best for us. Unfortunately sometimes what's best for us changes over time. Whatever you decide, do what feels right in your heart. Make your decision and find peace with it.
    Hugs,
    Michele
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #3
    Brooklynchele said:

    Wanted to respond
    Kathi,
    I saw that nobody had responded yet. Probably because it's just so hard to find the right words. From what I've learned of you over the past year(ish), you are a caring and wonderful person. What I've learned from bc over the past year(ish)is that this is not a dress rehearsal. We all deserve what's best for us. Unfortunately sometimes what's best for us changes over time. Whatever you decide, do what feels right in your heart. Make your decision and find peace with it.
    Hugs,
    Michele

    Thank you, dear Michele....
    It IS tough....thanks for your kind words....I agree, just like the choices when fighting cancer, I must make decisions, and then not question them.

    Hugs, Kathi
  • Aortus
    Aortus Member Posts: 967
    #4
    Good luck, Kathi!
    I can't really understand completely what you're going through, of course, because the love of my life was taken from me instead of leaving under her own power. But my department head, who is not only a great administrator but is also a dear old friend, has shared with me her own feelings about her divorce nearly ten years ago. She helped me to realize that any dissolution of an intense, long-term, relationship is a sort of death in and of itself with its own sorrows and necessary grieving rituals. I wish both you and Hans all the best as you both move forward with your separate lives.

    BTW, my department head is now very happily married to a guy who is crazy about her (as she is about him, but he definitely chased her). Cue the obligatory "the odds are good, even if the goods are usually odd" speech...

    Best,
    Joe
  • missingtexas
    missingtexas Member Posts: 146
    #5
    You are so strong. Many
    You are so strong. Many good thoughts coming your way. HUGS!!
    Dana
  • tgf
    tgf Member Posts: 950 Member
    #6
    missingtexas said:

    You are so strong. Many
    You are so strong. Many good thoughts coming your way. HUGS!!
    Dana

    Oh Kathi ...
    I don't know what to say except that I do know how much Hans has been there for you ... and how you've always been there for him. It's been a rough few years for both of you and maybe the relationship has just run its course. I'm so sorry ... but I do know that you understand cancer more than many of us and you have learned how much we need to treasure each day ... with no regrets. You will do the right thing ... and as we all know ... nothing lasts forever ... no matter how hard we try.

    Take care ... and as you and I always say ... it is what it is.

    big hugs.
    Teena
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
    #7
    missingtexas said:

    You are so strong. Many
    You are so strong. Many good thoughts coming your way. HUGS!!
    Dana

    Kathi -- you are so strong .. 19 years together --
    and you have the confidence in yourself to 'DARE' dream of a life without Hans. I know you will take on 'your' new life, with tenacity and persistence in doing what is right for you, your daughter, and Mom.

    I admire you, as I do, Wanda --another WARRIOR, who started a new life, recently.

    Support, Love, Hugs and Strength - I pray for you, Kathi.

    Vicki Sam
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    #8
    None of us know how our
    None of us know how our choices will turn out but I have found that choices which are felt deeply to be the correct choice usually is the way to go. In later life if you wonder if you made the right choice, thinking about the reasons why you did it will comfort you.

    Be true to yourself.

    Hugs!
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #9
    ((((((hugs))) Sweet Kathi~ I
    ((((((hugs))) Sweet Kathi~ I walked away from a 27 year marriage at age 50~ and got cancer 18 months later. Sort of backwards from your situation, but still the same. I know you know what I mean!
    It was the scariest, yet most important thing I ever did! I knew that if I didn't go then, I would wake up at 70 and say OMG! I can't go anywhere! And I would have stayed. Resigned and unhappy.

    For those who stay married or in a relationship "forever" and are happy, committed, connected and all of the good things we hope our unions will be~ wonderful! But for others, and I found myself in that category, longevity didn't mean happiness or even contentment, it mean complacency and a giving-up, giving-in to a personal status quo.One I knew was unhealthy for me and my heart.

    I send you all of the courage and loving support you may need in this journey as well.It is hard, but also a relief on many levels. Not without soul-searching and grieving, but with a light at the end of that journey which is peaceful and yes, opens you to new and other life experiences which I know you will embrace to the fullest.

    And, for the record~ Holland is still available to you, you know! You and I can go~ Germany, Belgium, and Holland...just like I did in the old days!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • aysemari
    aysemari Member Posts: 1,596 Member
    #10
    Kathi you brave little soul
    True to your nature you are accepting your new situation with such
    grace and courage.

    Isn't it amazing what life throws at you at times? I am so sorry to
    hear about this but you know maybe all you need is a little time
    apart, and who knows.

    Matters of the heart are so complicated and can be oh so painful
    at times. At least for me, I am definitely one of those people that
    leads with her heart. Often times I wonder, just how much our
    hearts really effect the course of our lives.

    Stay strong dear heart and when your heart aches come and talk to us.

    Much love,
    Ayse
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    #11
    You have my support!
    Kathi I wish I could wave a magic wand and get you to the point in your future where this has all been ironed out. You truly are one very remarkable woman who has many strengths, being such I know you will come out of this better for taking the journey. I wish you both happy day's ahead, know that you are loved and supported. You most certainly will be in thoughts and prayers.

    Hugs,

    RE
  • camul
    camul Member Posts: 2,537
    #12
    Sounds like you are making
    Sounds like you are making good choices for you! Mine ended after 19 years and like others my cancer made its ugly debut just shy of 2 years later. We now have a great friendship and he is one of my best supporters in this fight. There is still a love, but the happiness was gone, and lonliness was in its place. The marriage ran its course and as hard as it was we have both made satisfying lives for ourselves that we couldn't do together.

    Good luck to both of you. Life is way to short. I hope you find what it is that makes your heart sing again!

    Carol
  • PinkPearl
    PinkPearl Member Posts: 280
    #13
    I TRULY DO WISH YOU THE VERY BEST CHOICES
    You are such a true survivor, I looked back at your "about me" page and you have been dealing with cancer so well for so long and living your life well through so many experiences-very good ones and very sad ones. I know that with time and thought you will make the right choices again for all involved. My daughter taught Kindergarten a few years back and one of the things she always asked or reminded them of was "did you make good choices". The problem with our adult choices is that the best choice is not always as simple as a kindergarten one, is it? Prayers for you during a difficult time for you both. If his children are still there, I would take a better look after the dust settles from the visit too but you are expressing
  • sea60
    sea60 Member Posts: 2,613
    #14
    I'm sorry Kathi
    I will most definitely be praying for you and wishing you good things...

    Hugs,

    Sylvia
  • cindycflynn
    cindycflynn Member Posts: 1,132 Member
    #15
    Awwww Kathi
    I'm so sorry to read this. When I read your title, I thought your were just nearing the end of your visit to Holland this time around...sorry that I was wrong.

    I know that you will ultimately make the choice that is right for you and for Hans, but I also know that making that choice will not be easy in any way.

    Sending virtual hugs until you come back to the states and we can exchange those for real ones!

    Cindy
  • aisling8
    aisling8 Member Posts: 1,627 Member
    #16
    cindycflynn said:

    Awwww Kathi
    I'm so sorry to read this. When I read your title, I thought your were just nearing the end of your visit to Holland this time around...sorry that I was wrong.

    I know that you will ultimately make the choice that is right for you and for Hans, but I also know that making that choice will not be easy in any way.

    Sending virtual hugs until you come back to the states and we can exchange those for real ones!

    Cindy

    Change
    is usually difficult, seldom fun, BUT often rewarding.

    I wish you well as you walk this new path.

    xoxo
    Victoria
  • Bella Luna
    Bella Luna Member Posts: 1,578 Member
    #17
    Hugs & Prayers
    Kathi... so many pearls of wisdom have been showered on your blog. You are a wise and brave woman and are being honest with yourself. It's scary to take a leap of faith, but know that, come what may, we are with you and support you 100%!
    Ines
  • GreeneyedGirl
    GreeneyedGirl Member Posts: 1,077
    #18
    Bella Luna said:

    Hugs & Prayers
    Kathi... so many pearls of wisdom have been showered on your blog. You are a wise and brave woman and are being honest with yourself. It's scary to take a leap of faith, but know that, come what may, we are with you and support you 100%!
    Ines

    Thinking of you~
    One day at a time~Kathi.
    Hugz~
    Melanie
  • ladyg
    ladyg Member Posts: 1,577
    #19
    Kathi
    You need to do what is right for you. If there is one thing I learned from my BC is that I am the important one. I have always put my family first but now I know that I really matter. I know you will make the right choices whatever they may be.

    Hugs,
    Georgia
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #20
    GreeneyedGirl said:

    Thinking of you~
    One day at a time~Kathi.
    Hugz~
    Melanie

    I hate it that making good
    I hate it that making good decisions can be so painful. it takes someone who has grown and knows themselves in order to have the courage to say, they dont want the status quo.
    My marriage is good but after the first cancer it was rocky. I finally had to be very firm about who I was, what I wanted. etc... I have been even more explicit this time around. If he had not listened, I am not sure we would still be together. Cancer makes you get your priorities straight REAL FAST. It is interesting how it sometimes FOLLOWS a significant event too.
    Hugs and Love to you Kathi, you deserve to be happy whatever decision you make.
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    #21
    Oh, how I wish I had the
    Oh, how I wish I had the right words. But I wish you peace, as I already know you have strength and courage.

    Hugs,

    Linda

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