Mar 12, 2011 - 2:43 pm
The weekend is here, once more. How I dislike these days! When I rise, for the smallest of moments, it is easy to pretend that my love is still here, he is just sleeping in. So I make coffee, I go outside and watch the birds. But as time passes, I know he isn't going to get up, get a cup of coffee and come out to join me. Saying, " good morning, beautiful" and kissing me. I know that will never happen again.
And thus begins the day, the weekend. Thus begins the loneliness, the emptiness, the sadness, the pain.
Every inch of me, except my mind, refuses to accept that he is gone! My eyes keep looking, searching for him to come around a corner. My lips are dry and waiting for him to moisten them with his kisses. My hand is cold and empty, waiting for his strong hand to warm and fill it. My head and scalp are longing and waiting for his caress. My shoulders and waist ache for his embrace, to wrap his love around them, for him to exclaim, " perfect fit" as he often did! My heart races at a sound or the ringing of the phone. It is expecting him to call or come through the front door. My legs are stiff and wish for a two-step or waltz around the dance floor with him. Perhaps even a "jitter-bug"! My arms are desperate to hold him, to cling to him, to never let go.
These parts of my body, and others, seem to have a "mind of their own", for my brain continues to remind them to not expect him to ever do these things again, as he is gone forever. But they won't listen, they won't accept. So they keep waiting, searching, listening, hoping to feel him once again! I wish they would stop, it is too painful. I must work harder at convincing them of the sad truth, the harsh reality. He is gone, never to return again.
I now must distract my mind and body for another day. I will clean and organize his work shed. Keep my body busy and moving. Entertain my mind with ideas of how to better organize his tools, my tools, now.
I pray that God accompanies me into the shed and helps me make it through another day without my beloved.
Best wishes for all,