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The weekends...

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

The weekend is here, once more. How I dislike these days! When I rise, for the smallest of moments, it is easy to pretend that my love is still here, he is just sleeping in. So I make coffee, I go outside and watch the birds. But as time passes, I know he isn't going to get up, get a cup of coffee and come out to join me. Saying, " good morning, beautiful" and kissing me. I know that will never happen again.

And thus begins the day, the weekend. Thus begins the loneliness, the emptiness, the sadness, the pain.

Every inch of me, except my mind, refuses to accept that he is gone! My eyes keep looking, searching for him to come around a corner. My lips are dry and waiting for him to moisten them with his kisses. My hand is cold and empty, waiting for his strong hand to warm and fill it. My head and scalp are longing and waiting for his caress. My shoulders and waist ache for his embrace, to wrap his love around them, for him to exclaim, " perfect fit" as he often did! My heart races at a sound or the ringing of the phone. It is expecting him to call or come through the front door. My legs are stiff and wish for a two-step or waltz around the dance floor with him. Perhaps even a "jitter-bug"! My arms are desperate to hold him, to cling to him, to never let go.

These parts of my body, and others, seem to have a "mind of their own", for my brain continues to remind them to not expect him to ever do these things again, as he is gone forever. But they won't listen, they won't accept. So they keep waiting, searching, listening, hoping to feel him once again! I wish they would stop, it is too painful. I must work harder at convincing them of the sad truth, the harsh reality. He is gone, never to return again.

I now must distract my mind and body for another day. I will clean and organize his work shed. Keep my body busy and moving. Entertain my mind with ideas of how to better organize his tools, my tools, now.

I pray that God accompanies me into the shed and helps me make it through another day without my beloved.

Best wishes for all,

Lucy

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

I accomplished what I set out to do yesterday! The tool shed is clean, neat and organized. Shed many tears through the process! I even found a note that I had written to him when he was going to college. In it I praised him for his dedication and success. He must have kept it and treasured it all these years, at least I'd like to think so...

His rubber boots and Tommy flip-flops are just were he left them. And by his stereo is an empty bottle of Miller Lite and the last pack of his smokes, ( he successfully quit 3 days after he was diagnosed, cold turkey. We liked to joke and call it "cold terror"!)

I think that the greatest accomplishment is that I cried, I grieved, I emptied my heart, at least for a while. The clean tool shed is just a bonus!

I hope that you all are doing well this weekend. I send my continued prayers and best wishes.

Lucy

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

It sounds like you have made some good progress Lucy. I bet your husband did treasure that note and read it many times over the years. He was very blessed to have had you as well as you having had him.

I know what you mean about the many tears. Yesterday when I got up to the mountain to ski patrol, some friends of ours were getting out of their car at the same time. Joe came over and gave me a hug and whispered in my ear that every morning they made their first run of the day in Mike's honor and memory (Mike and I were supposed to go to Jackson Hole skiing with the gang on this trip). I just lost it and never thought I would stop crying. In the end, I was so glad he told me that as I know Mike remains alive in so many of our friends' hearts and minds (and that does make me feel better).

My thoughts and prayers to you and everyone else tonight.

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Neverquit,

It sounds like YOU have made progress! Although, I remember you and Mike skiing through it all. But I can't imagine gearing up, going out in the cold and doing what you do!
I know it must have been a passion for you both. I am so amazed at how you are able to continue!

Your friends sound amazing, also. Our friends are the same way! One of our friends has a classic rock band. And she has taken to dedicating Dennis' favorite song to him every time they play it! Dennis was a Vietnam Vet and they have been so supportive to me.

Sometimes, when I still speak to Dennis, I thank him for the wonderful friends, that together we made. I even know, that before he passed, he had asked some of them to please watch over me. And they have!

Take care,

Lucy

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Thanks Lucy, but please don't give me too much credit as I still have my many moments of tears.

It's pretty amazing to me that you and I are probably about the same age with the same long history of being married. And, I too have thanked Mike for the great friends we made together. I also know that like Dennis, Mike also asked some of our family and friends to watch over me. You were very lucky to have Dennis as I was to have Mike. Please take care.

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

on all that you accomplished...physically and emotionally.
Now...can you come to MD and clean out my husband's shed? :-)
Debbie

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Lucy,
The tears are running down my face again! You said everything that I've been thinking. I miss Tom so much that somedays I don't know if I want to go on without him.
My grandsons birthday is on St. patricks day. He had been looking at Tom's fishing boxes downstairs and said "I really like Papa's stuff, I wish I could have some". He is going to be 7 years old and I thought I could maybe fix up one of the fishing boxes up & give it to him. Well, I got them out and opened them up and found the last fishing license that we both got & started to cry. We loved going out in the boat & listening to the loons at night in the cottage we rented up north. Now, knowing we'll never be up there together again makes me so sad. Guess I'll have to maybe get my son to make up the box for him cause I just can't do it.
It's only 11 more days till the one year anniversary of his dying and my heart is still breaking. Lucy, why did we have to lose our loves?? It just isn't fair.
I've been doing good, but now just seem to be falling apart again and don't know what to do.
Well, I guess we'll both learn to live our new lives. Take care Lucy!! Carole

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