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I can't . . . .

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

. . . . stop loving you
I've made up my mind
To live in memory of the lonesome times
I can't stop wanting you
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday
Those happy hours that we once knew
Tho' long ago, they still make me blue
They say that time heals a broken heart
But time has stood still since we've been apart

I can't stop loving you
I've made up my mind
To live in memories of the lonesome times
I can't stop wanting you
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday
Those happy hours
That we once knew
Tho' long ago
Still ma-a-a-ake me blue
They say that time
Heals a broken heart
Time has stood still
Since we've been apart

I can't stop loving you
I said I made up my mind
To live in memory of the lonesome times
I can't stop wanting you
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life of dreams of yesterday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5FpVZw6rSs (just for the music. video not so much)

Ray Charles was a genius.

Patrick, life with you was never easy, but it was never boring. I always said part of the reason I moved up here was for more stories, and now I have them. There were times you were such a scumbag to me, but I saw the man that loved me in there too. I'm never going to understand the whats and whys of alot of things so I'm not going to try.

I miss your eyes, and your smile, and your laugh. I miss the stories you told me about work. For all the BS you put me through, and there was way too much of it, I stood by you and that has to count for something. I will never understand all of it, what I will remember is the look you gave me when you came to Port Authority and told me "come home."

I miss Rockaway, and the water. I miss watching you sleep.

Dammit I MISS YOU. I know you're better now, what I wouldn't give for one more hour with you, just so the tears and the hurt would stop just for a little while. Go and watch the water on the boardwalk. Go anywhere or nowhere, I would do anything just to have you here.

Don't forget about me please. I won't forget about you. Love you.

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

April, how wonderful that you expressed your thoughts, your feelings. Letting these surface can be the beginning of the realization of our new lives.

In therapy last week, I shared with my therapist how this and that affected me. In the end she asked one simple question, " If you had one word to express what you are feeling, what would it be?". The word, the emotion that came to my mind was "missing".

I miss Dennis' presence in my life. I miss doing the things we did together. I miss his touch, his warmth, his kiss. I even miss arguing with him! If I had one more hour with him, you can bet that a few moments of that would be spent letting him have it!

What you told him, to not forget you, that you will never forget him, I have moments when I ask myself, " is it even possible for Dennis to know me, remember me, remember us?". We are told that in this new glorious place that they are now at, all worldly things cannot match the beauty that now surrounds them. How can I compete with that? Deep inside, my faith reminds me that I, too, am on my journey there, and I will understand when I get there. But when the pain of missing him takes over, this is where my mind goes.

I know I will never forget Dennis, as you will never forget Patrick. I pray for the time when remembering him does not bring such sorrow. I know it is too soon, as my therapist said, " you can't mourn for a man you knew, you loved, he loved you, for 30 years, in 2 months. Not gonna happen.".

Sending you hugs and wishes for a peaceful Sunday.

Lucy

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

April,
Wow, what a great thing to do expressing your thoughts like this!! Patrick was lucky to have you cause you are such a caring person.
It's so damn hard being without our guys even though some days they'd really get us mad, huh? I wish every day that Tom would walk through the door again. We knew each other since we were in 1st grade and were married half of our lives and I miss him so much.
On thursday I'll celebrate my birthday without him for the first time. Never in my wildest dreams did I think last year that he wouldn't be here for it.
We'll all be okay, it's just going to take time to start living again.
Take care April!!! Carole

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

You ladies are striking a chord with me....I am coming up on one year and never thought I would still be in this state....but I am...I want another day with Bill...oh hell another hour.
Its been rough these last few days....his flowers are coming up and I want to just go out and rip them from the ground I do not want to see those tulips and daffodils....they were his..they are him ! He loved watching them break ground !
The saddness is overwhelming today...I have done nothing but cry all day!
I miss him something awful....he was my better side...my anchor.
Next week will be a year since I dragged him...kicking and fussing to the ER..he did not want to go...and the very next day we got the cancer diagnosis....and on April 21st at 11:30pm he died in my arms...his clothes are right where he left them....
When will this all make sense....I know he would want me to be happy...problem is that my happy died with him....
Thanks April...for sharing...we all sure did love our guys..didn't we ?
Pat

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day, one more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again, I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you
One more day...

First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million 'I Love You's'
That's what I'd do with one more day with you

One more day, one more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you

One more day, one more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day
Leave me wishing still for one more day
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6oT0FHq3UY

I guess we're all wishing for one more day right now.
Debbie

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

as I read this. Not sure there has been a post yet that has moved me like this one.

Love to you April, you are an amazing woman......

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Debbie,
I read your poem and the tears are running down my face. First I read Aprils, and cried too. We're all going through this same pain of missing our husbands so much. Thursday is my first birthday without him. It'll be the one year anniversary of his passing on March 25th and it seems like all I've been doing is crying again. I had been doing so good and was so proud, but now am falling apart again. I'm hoping that after thursday and after the 25th that I'll be okay again. This is all so hard and like you said if only we could have one more day with them. Tom's death happened so quick that we never got to say goodbye. I'll never forget that horrible night when I could do nothing.
Let's all hope that by this time next year we're doing alot better. I know we'll never forget them and Tom would want me to go on living and be happy, but how can I when his arms aren't here to hold me??? Take care Debbie! Carole

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

Carol, that was actually a song by a group called Diamond Rio. It's a very beautiful song. Not sure if the link worked but you can go to Youtube and look up their video. they have another song about loved ones dying called "God Only Cries for the Living". The chorus says:

God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are left to carry on
An' all the angels up in Heaven
They're not grieving because they're gone
There's a smile on their faces
'Cause they're in a better place than they've ever known
God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are so far from home.

I'm in a grief support class and they were talking about how all the "special dates" during the first year are particularly hard. The leader suggested neither mourning on that special day nor trying to pretend that it wasn't special. She said to see if you could think of a new tradition or something to do that would honor your loved one and not make the day so painful in the future. I know, easier said than done.
You and I were caught so off-guard with our husbands' deaths. That's what bothers me the most...not having a chance to say any parting words or know what was going through their minds. I still fight those tragic last images in my brain. I'm sure you must do that also.
Here's to hoping that next year we will all be in a better frame of mind.
In case I'm not on tomorrow.....Happy Birthday!
Debbie

junklady's picture
junklady
Posts: 88
Joined: Aug 2009

Such beautiful verses and so true. Here I am, up in the wee hours, sleepless again. Crying nonstop. My head hurts and my eyes are swollen. Dale has only been gone 6 months, but the pain this last week seems worse now than before. I hate it, I miss him, I hate being alone. I want someone to talk to, hold my hand, give me a kiss, have a partner to do things with. I thought I was doing better and starting to heal, but now the wall of grief is back, like some ugly monster telling me I haven't cried enough. The gloomy, rainy days of winter don't make it any easier on my heart. I want some sunshine, I want to smile when I think of Dale instead of tears. How do we get better and move forward in our life without our partner? Where is the answer hiding? Just one day at a time, but it's so hard. Thinking of all of you out there who miss your loved one too. Where we would we be without the support here. At least everyone understands how we feel.

Cyndi

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Cyndi,
I had a very similar experience. Felt I was doing okay and the around New Years (six months since my Terry passed) I fell apart. Cried all day New Year's Day, anxiety peaked again, could not sleep...Not sure what triggered it. What keeps me pushing through this grief process is knowing I have no other choice. I keep coming back to, what are my options? There is no other direction go. We ride the wave: good days, bad days. You all are in my thoughts. It will get better, it has to.
Becky

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

I have a decent one. Called my grammom not long after this, and she understood. Take each day as it comes I guess.

for every storm in the darkness, there comes a sunrise. after the harshest winter, there is the spring.

just miss my blue eyes something awful.

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Thinking of you and sending hugs.

Lucy

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1161
Joined: May 2008

the pain and lonelyness too. hugs to u and we r here for you I just love all your words

michelle

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

April,
I'm waiting for the sunrise, but it's not happening. I miss my "blue eyes" also & would love to have his arms around me one more time. Take care! Carole

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

April,
I'm waiting for the sunrise, but it's not happening. I miss my "blue eyes" also & would love to have his arms around me one more time. Take care! Carole

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

April,
I'm waiting for the sunrise, but it's not happening. I miss my "blue eyes" also & would love to have his arms around me one more time. Take care! Carole

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

when you least expect it in ways not thought possible. Happens every day for me, and I am blessed for it.

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. Today was brutally sad. I went from missing everything about Mike to falling into that trap of recriminations..."I should have...I wish I'd..."
Ugh. This is so hard!
Penny

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

I get in that trap so much right now it's not even funny. The whole "what if" of everything bothers me more than missing Patrick.

I hope he knows just how much I love him still.

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

April,

I believe that he knows how much you love him, still. I need to believe that Dennis knows, too. Looking back, I can't think of anything I could have done different for him to have known that.

As I grieve and mourn him, I realize that I could not change the outcome of his journey, just how he went through it. I loved him, I nurtured him, I held him, I let him go. How I see it, there was nothing more I could humanly do.

Take care, dear one.

Lucy

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Thanks everyone for posting, as you are all having the same thoughts and experiences I am having. This makes me realize that I may not be crazy after all. Maybe I am normal as I travel through this fog filled journey. It has been a little over 6 weeks since Mike passed away, and I miss him so very much. I don't know who said it on a previous post, but too bad we don't all live nearby, as you are all amazing.

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