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Ouch

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Mike wanted his son to have his motorcycle, which I totally agreed with. And because it's tax refund time he had the money to travel here from Nebraska to pick it up, which I also totally agreed with. What I hadn't planned on, however, was the horrible sadness that came along with going thru Mikes belongings, and passing along the family heirlooms. I never wanted to hold onto them, I just wasn't prepared for the pain of letting those things that Mike held so dear. (It felt like my head was screaming TOO SOON!!!)

And last night, as we sat across from each other, I wasn't prepared for the mental comparisons that I was making in my head. "He has Mikes smile. He has Mikes sense of humor. Mike would say those same things."

I can't turn the tears off today. Zach has already left with the bike in his truck, towing a U-haul, and I want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head.

I feel like all of the composure I gained over the last few weeks flew out the door when that young man left to go back to his family. He gave me a tight hug and told me he loved me (a first) and I'm just feeling broken and traumatized all over again.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

We never know what is going to throw us for a loop. As I have written before, grief is not a straight line. We often circle back to our raw grief, sometimes for big things, sometimes for little things. My husband was an avid collector of several things. He knew I would sell most of those things over time. I don't want them and I like the idea of them going to people who will love them as much as Doug did. Yet letting them go pulls on me. I think it is the finality of it as well as the memories. Hope you begin to feel better as the day goes on. Just like caregiving, sometimes we have to take grieving one day, one hour, or even one minute at a time. Hugs, Fay

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

Pat had a jacket in the closet that he used to wear and for sentimental reasons he hung on to. It's a great jacket - white leather sleeves, great embroidered design (it's from a bar), quilted on the inside, and it has his name on it. I had zero idea what to do with it. Not my style, but I don't like hanging on to something like that just for the "it has his name on it" reason.

That and his Carthartt's have a lot more memories for me.

So it went to a good friend of his who will cherish it and wear it and enjoy it. Will it always be this easy? No, I really doubt that. But for everything that goes well, I'll have a total meltdown with something else.

I can't begin to imagine what you're feeling, hun. We didn't have kids, but I could guarantee that one of them would look just like Pat. It's bad enough Shadow has his attitude :)

sal314
Posts: 633
Joined: Jul 2010

Boy, can I relate. I woke this morning just feeling so depressed. I thought I was getting a bit better, but have been weepy all day and just had major crying fit tonight. I didn't realize until just earlier tonight, tonight, just 3 short weeks ago, is when my mom called to tell me to get to the hospital as my dad didn't have much time left. Maybe that's why it's been a hard day? Unconsciously thinking about being at the hospital all night with him as he slowly started to slip away?

Ugh...my heart is still so heavy. My eyes are still so full of tears. I miss my dad:(

Sally

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Penny,
I can relate to what you're saying. When Tom died, I didn't even want to change the sheets on the bed! Our oldest son looks exactly like tom and walks and even sounds like him. I gave him Tom's car. But when he came over to take it, I stood and cried as he drove out the driveway. Now everytime he comes over, just the sound of that car reminds me of when Tom came home from work. Even though we were married for 46 years, I still got excited when he came home. We were so in love and he was my best friend.
It's not that long since you lost Mike, so it's natural for you to feel like this. We loved our husbands and it's something we'll never get over.
Take care!! Carole"

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

I ended up sleeping on the couch for about 3 hours Saturday, and had a much better day on Sunday. I need to keep my safety belt on tight for this darn roller coaster!
Penny

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

as much as it sucks, don't keep yourself strapped in too tight. This way when you do hit an unexpected twist or turn, you're better able to roll with it. Been working for me so far.

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