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mmmm . . . mad now . . . hmmmm

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

Had the first cry since Pat passed yesterday, and it felt good. I no longer feel like I have a gorilla squeezing the life out of me. Now I have a different problem.

I'm getting good and p!ssed off. That's not good. Because the person I'm p!ssed off at

isn't here.

Don't feel like screaming at the walls, but o my this is going to come out on someone and I feel very very sorry for that unfortunate person. Maybe I should walk around with a disclaimer for a few days - WARNING CONTENTS UNDER EXTREME PRESSURE. And a $50 as an I'm sorry gift when I do blow up.

oy.

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

My youngest son had some trouble last week. He called me to confess, and I was at a loss for words. When we hung up, I was like WTF? How DARE you make me depend on you for "man advice" concerning my kids? How could you,after developing such a good mentoring relationship with them, LEAVE? The last 8 years have been all about our life TOGETHER, and now you're not here?

I never got the whole anger part of grief before this. I guess I do now....

FYI--most people still tiptoe around me now--its a good thing, too. God help them, if I think they're being ridiculous over ridiculous issues. I'm liable to hand them their head on a platter : )

luv2cut1's picture
luv2cut1
Posts: 287
Joined: Oct 2010

I just want you to know how much the two of you have been an inspiration to me. Luckily, my husband is doing well right now, but ever since this latest cancer journey began in 2008, I have lived with the constant fear of what you are going through now. I simply cannot get past the bad prognosis given at the time of his recurrence. The two of you, as well as many others, have handled what I fear most with grace and dignity and you have been kind enough to share your experiences for those of us who may come after you. I just cannot describe how much it has helped me to see that people do, in fact, survive this, as rough as it may be.

As a result of our battles with cancer, I find myself angry much of the time. I do not want to waste valuable time on being angry, but as you said Penny, when someone is being ridiculous over ridiculous issues, it sends me over the top.

Please know that I am thinking of everyone here on this board that has lost a loved one and I am praying constantly. I will be forever indebted to you all for opening up your hearts and lives to us on these boards.

Thank you,

Myka

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

April, sorry to hear that you waited so long to let it all out. It is a big relief to cry but don't expect that it's a one time shot and you are done. I have found that it can sneak up on you at the least expected moments. I actually had a big one last night that caught me off guard. I was in the basement for something and walked by all the boxes of stuff that Ken's office manager brought to us. For some reason, I stopped and started looking through one of the boxes. Some of the things I found were food items like candy bars and tea bags. It is too difficult to explain why or all that went through my head but the next thing I knew, i was sobbing. Thought I was safe since I was in the basement but apparently I must have been pretty loud because my boys heard me upstairs and came running down to see what was wrong. The older one, who has not spoken a word about his dad's death, actually had a tear run down his cheek but then quickly left. The younger stayed down there with me and the next thing you know, we are both letting it out. After we had calmed down, he said "thanks Mom, I hadn't done that in a couple of weeks and I needed to get it out". So, don't feel bad about doing it, it actually helps you physically.

The anger is also a common response to grief. I personally haven't dealt with that effect because I'm too busy dealing with my guilt complex issues. The important thing is that we understand that all these reactions are normal and just something that we have to go through for awhile. It makes me feel better to know that I am not crazy because of experiencing all this stuff. I think someone mentioned this on another thread...I wish all of us recent widows were in the same physical location so that we could get together. It sure helps to talk to all of you.
Take care April. Email me if you ever need to.
Debbie

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

April,
Sorry to hear you're pissed! But try not to "blow up"!! I was pissed after Tom died last year. I never said anything to the one who pissed me off, but it had been going on for years, so guess I wasn't surprised. It was Tom's brother who pissed me off. He has always been an arrogant sob, but it hurt me that after my son called him to tell him that Tom died, he never once called or came over to see how I was. It's going to be a year this month and he still hasn't called. So to help me from blowing up, I just confide in all my friends. Try and calm down or talk to whoever it is, okay? Carole

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

Let it out.

We know you, you are not one to hold back!! It will take time, there are so many emotions to sort through. I try not to get angry about mom not being here, but boy oh boy have I needed her so badly the past few weeks while dealing with my new chapter. I talk to her constantly....

Lov ya, be good to yourself. No disclaimer needed, it is what it is!

Elysia

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

if the anger I had was over him not being here. But it has more to do with how he flat out GAVE UP (surgery only, no other treatments) and very much more to do with how our marriage was before he got sick. Right now, I feel that everything had been healed as well as it could be and the scars were left. And all the scars were ripped wide open all over again so I can watch them bleed.

This has me so worked up that I'm getting hives again. I am so tired of it all. Just want to shove it all in a box and be done with it. Yes, I lost my husband to cancer, but why in God's name should I continue to hurt myself for someone who didn't think enough of themselves to fight back? And left me with a huge mess and more questions than answers?

This isn't even therapy material. This is Dr. Phil material. I've watched Dr. Phil and I laugh my tail off at some of the guests. I'm such a disaster.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1622
Joined: Aug 2009

The best thing my husband did for me during those 6 years he battled cancer was teach me to let go of the little things. He used to say " Let it go, dear. Just let it go." That doesn't mean I always do it, but I hear him say it even now that he is gone. After 16 months, I am in a better place, but I remember well those first few weeks and months. All of my emotions were high. Mostly, I got mad at myself. That's not good either. I think it is pretty normal, though. It's easier when we can cry, yell, stomp around, hit things (soft things!). We really do need to get it out. I am very fortunate that we had a really good marriage, and the last 6 years while we battled cancer just brought us closer. That doesn't mean it was perfect, but it was good. As one neighbor put it, we actually liked each other. I won't tell you to forget the rough patches and concentrate on the good memories because that's not realistic. I won't even tell you not to be mad about his decision not to fight the cancer more aggressively. It was his decision to make, but i can totally understand your anger. Being angry doesn't mean you loved him any less. I think it just shows how much you loved him. Anger is, like tears, a form of release.

Hang in there. Time does help, but I have discovered that this grieving business is not always a straight line. Sometimes I circle back to bad times. Often, it just hits me and the tears come. It can be some little thing that sets me off, sometimes something big like a special date or occasion. I am told by some of my older friends that this can happen years later, too. We are thinking, loving and feeling beings. It's ok to allow those emotions to surface. We need to just let them go, too, in our own time and way. Fay

karenbeth's picture
karenbeth
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

My partner and I disagree on treatment--he wants to stop, and he told me the other day one of the main reasons he agreed to this first line treatment was because it was so important to me. Now he is nearing the end of his first line tx and I dont know what he will decide to do. I told him I would support whatever decisions he makes. But inside it will be tearing me apart. And I can't get through a damn conversation with him about this stuff without crying.
Grrr...

Hang in there...

Karen

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

I've been so mad since yesterday, I couldn't even write about it! After some bills and legal issues in the morning I spent the rest of the day outside in my backyard. Cleaned the porch and rearranged the patio furniture. It was so nice out, I even put my bathing suit top on and shorts to work. Checked on the chemicals in the spa and trimmed away the stuff that had froze. Think I even got a good dose of vitamin D! Which I am deficient in. I bet alot of you are too, what with winter and spending so much time inside.

Straightened up a bit in my hubby's tool shed. Couldn't even walk two feet in from the door! Spending time in there made me sad. Remnants of our last building project still around.

When I was done, I got me a beer and sat on the porch looking out into the backyard, admiring what I had accomplished, something we always did when we finished a project. That's when it hit me, the sadness, the loneliness for him! I began to cry. Before I knew it, the sad and lonely turned into anger!

I began to speak about this anger out loud to him. I told him how hurt and angry I am that he left me. That I have no one to sit by and watch the season change. No one to work on projects with and when finished, to sit in pride and amazement of it's beauty. No one to hold me, play "footsies" with me and share a glass of Cabernet in the spa with!

I told him how angry I am that he never told me how sorry he was that if he died I would be left alone. How angry I am that in the end he could not even speak to me. That he didn't say good by, have a nice life, nothing! That he left me hanging. Angry that because of his denial, he denied both of us. He never held me and told me to continue without him, to be happy, to live, to travel. He never told me that he would be watching over me and waiting for me.

I am angry because just when I begin to feel the tiniest bit happy, "IT" pounces on me and steals my joy! I hate that he is dead. I hate that I am so lonely for him. I hate sorrow and grief. It is exhausting, and yet "IT" doesn't let me sleep.

My daughter is beautiful in so many ways. She has a remarkable insight into life, love and God. After I shared all this with her she said to me, " I wish one thing for you, that you become accustomed and comfortable with yourself, mom. That for 30 years you have been the half of a whole. The partner of another. One, of a couple. You and dad were joined at the hip, for good and bad! You were the pepper, he was the salt. And because of this, it is going to take time, and even be difficult for you to learn to be "one". Just you and be happy and comfortable with it being that way. It made sense to me. I know that it will take time and effort, but I'm willing to try. Could be better that how I feel now.

Sorry for the loooong rant. Can't promise that there won't be another, but know that I lovingly read your rants, and have learned much from them!

Lucy

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1622
Joined: Aug 2009

Just wanted to say hi. As I read your post I couldn't help but think "Welcome to our world. " I don't have the anger and Doug was able to say good bye. He worried about me the whole six years he battled cancer. In fact, that was his biggest worry even though I told him I would be ok. Yet, after 42 years of marriage, I am now alone. It is a huge adjustment and I'm not there yet. I keep pushing myself to step out of my comfort zone. My greatest achievement so far was driving our motorhome from here in California to Pennslyvania and back. I'd like to travel more, but hesitate to do it alone. We will get there. We will adjust. I'm sure I'll stumble around a lot before I'm totally ok with being one and not two. Hugs, Fay

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Lucy,
I'm sitting here crying after reading your message. I've found myself yelling at Tom's picture cause I'm so pissed that he left me. He was supposed to retire last June and he died in March. Now I'm alone and thinking of all the plans we had made. I said "damn, you said you'd be here for me and now I'm alone. It's not fair!! And thank God for our daughters right Lucy? I have 2 sons also, but my daughter has been such a help to me and was "daddy's little girl" so she misses him alot too.
I guess it's going to take time for us to get used to our new life. All we can do is take one day at a time and remember all the happy days we had our loves with us.
Take care!!! And don't be sorry about ranting! Guess I've kind of ranted back to you now huh? Sorry! carole

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

We are all angry and it comes and goes. In the last 6 months, I have gone through so many emotions and just when I feel like I have gotton through some of this pain, something else pushes through. Right now, it's anger again....because I am so lonely and I have all the tax crap to do when he used to do it. I also had to put my Dad in a nursing home many states away from where I live and I know he doesnt like it, but I have no choice because he refuses to leave his home to live with either me or my brother. It just keeps piling up and getting too heavy to deal with sometimes. And I wonder what will become of me??????

gayle

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Gayle,
You might want to ask your brother to deal with your dad's situation for now. And taxes, I went to a reliable Tax guy we had used some years ago. I put everything in a folder and went to have him prepare them. Done! Could not imagine dealing with that so soon.

You sound over-whelmed and anxious. Ask for assistance, advice and help. Nobody expects you to be able to juggle all of this and grieve all at the same time. By asking your brother to handle dad's stuff right now you can have the time to call him or write and assure him that he will be fine and that you love him.

Take care, dear one.

Lucy

UKLady's picture
UKLady
Posts: 85
Joined: Jan 2011

I hear you about the tax and so agree with Lucy. I only recently emigrated here and husband has dementia and terminally ill stage iv lung with mets to the brain straight after our honeymoon last year and I have no one to help since with the wonderful exceptions of friendships made here I am simply too busy to get out to make friends for advice. I reviewed local tax firms and made an appointment. I took as much paperwork as I could all sorted as best I could. I paid an extra fee for them dealing with any glitches. It's been the best couple of hours in a looooong time that was worth the effort. I came out more confident with myself and handling the future and even better a nice direct deposit refund arrived 8 days later ! I went into that office with zero idea of your tax system in the USA! And I do mean zero!

Hope this encourages you and sending you kind thoughts

Lyndsey

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Lindsey,
Just want to welcome you to our country! You didn't say why you moved here but hope you like it.
Sorry to hear about your husband. Cancer is such a horrible thing to deal with and with him also having dementia that's a double whammy.
This is a great place to find comfort. I came here after my husband passed away last March and have found some new friends that I feel as close to as family. So hope if you need any advice or just want to talk, you come here alot!!!
Take care!! Carole

UKLady's picture
UKLady
Posts: 85
Joined: Jan 2011

hello!-thank you for your lovely welcome :-) I moved to marry my husband after a long procedure through Homeland Security. Husband diagnosed two weeks after our honeymoon last August (my pic is of us on honeymoon last year). We dated years and traveled many countries before finally settling down together when I gave up my career in the UK, so we have had good times and good memories :-) I hope to have a few more yet obviously:-)

He asked his prognosis Valentine's day of all days- 6 months was the answer-stage IV lung with mets to the brain- I have known since August so its been hard knowing by myself.The dementia is caused by intensive emergency whole brain radiation (mets to the brain) but ironically nature has compensated and given him such a sweet nature when he used to be ahem ;-) very Texas male :-)

I agree with you about this site- I have made some good friends here and its great to not have to explain how all consuming the Beast is. Steve's family were keen for us to marry-where are they now? (apart from the obvious one hour journey away) heh- it works out good Carole for their neglect- we get to be alone for quality time ;-) (Brit humour attempting the understatement of facts )

I have found if I ask something-people are so kind when they realise I am a *stranger in town* :-)

best wishes to you

Lyndsey

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

The comment about your husband's "sweet nature" caught my eye. My husband was diagnosed with a GBMIV in March 2009 and sadly, passed away in June 2010. He was always a gentle man but became so angel-like (for lack of a better term)in the end. I am sorry for what you are going through. It must be especially difficult when you are so far from your family and friends. I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.
Becky

UKLady's picture
UKLady
Posts: 85
Joined: Jan 2011

Many thanks Becky- especially appreciated at this time- my only child- my daughter was missing overseas in the tsunami on are mote island on a diving trip. I have just heard she is alive and well-its been the roughest two days of my life-bar none!

best wishes

Lyndsey

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

It's a relief to hear your little one (yes I know she is older, but as a daughter and granddaughter I know the mindset :)) is physically okay. Been worried since I heard about her and been worried about you as well.

Little open windows right?

UKLady's picture
UKLady
Posts: 85
Joined: Jan 2011

Breathing again-my life now verges on the just plain insane- so yes little open windows.:-)

Thank you

Lyndsey

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1622
Joined: Aug 2009

I aM so glad for the news about your daughter. One less thing to worry about, something to celebrate. Hold on to those good moments. You will need them to sustain yourself. Thinking of you. Fay

UKLady's picture
UKLady
Posts: 85
Joined: Jan 2011

many thanks for your kind thoughts :-)

Lyndsey

cabbee's picture
cabbee
Posts: 10
Joined: Jan 2010

Your post really touched me ,because I am the person who pushed for the Chemo and radiation and acted like a fool when mike said he wasn't going to do anything-finally he agreed and he lived another 6 months,but he was so sick from that stuff,it was horrible to see, and I in my denial,I guess i thought it would work;now I regret pushing him to do it,he might have had some quality time before he died.
I guess what I want to say is no matter what we do,iguess we think the other course would have been better.
I was very angry when Mike died,but somehow it has taken its place in the total picture;do I yell at him daily,you bet and worse,but in my case and maybe in youre,he was a man's man
and did not want to go that route;he never gave up his bad habits to the end,and made me furious,but now that some of the dust has settled I can remember why I loved him in the first place and forgive some of the rest.

UKLady's picture
UKLady
Posts: 85
Joined: Jan 2011

I soooooo hear you on this.Steve actually walked into ER to "do me a favor " I thought he may have a slight stroke - he was in fact stage IV lung with 7 brain mets undiagnosed for a year due to doctors bad decisions and went to ICU although he was only doing this for me ;-) "lights on" having quality when he is not in pain is obvious - I now take before and after pics for the doctors. Daily pain recods and med etc so I am no walkover I am in this huge battle with 3 doctors to do team work and find myself wondering would it have been best if I had brought him home without their so called expertise.

I soooo understand where you are coming from friend and our journey still has to run it's course. anger? Beyond that into why could he not just have passed peacefully in ICU and that of course has a guilt all it's own......

Lyndsey

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1622
Joined: Aug 2009

We all have regrets, but guilt is really a wasted emotion. You did the best you could at the time. That is all any of us can do. You did everything out of love. Don't beat yourself up over the could of, should ofs. Hindsight is always better than foresight. Forgive yourself. Fay

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

That seems to be the elusive balancing act that is just out of my reach for now.

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

Patrick did everything his way. I argued with him for over a month to get him to AGREE to radiation after New Year's (this was after his surgery October 2010). Everything was his decision, but when the docs told me that radiation and chemo would be a salvage, or "would buy time," I did push for hospice a bit. I told him that it would be no more doctors, no more hospitals, no more appointments, everyone would come to him. That was something he wanted from his first day back home after his surgery. I knew he was in no physical condition to do either radiation or chemo and the time I had with him was good time.

Oh, he did me the favor of agreeing to radiation. He didn't want it at all at first. Pain in my a$$ but I love him :)

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