Does anyone else think this way?

CherylHutch said:

Compartmentalizing or disassociation
Hey Lori... I think you and I think along the same, similar ways and I don't think that is a bad thing at all. Obviously, we are not so much in denial that we don't think we have cancer. We know we do. We know we have to see our oncologist on a regular basis, that we have to get treatments on a regular "as needed" basis and we have to get tested on an ongoing basis for monitoring purposes. I have been really lucky up to now where I really didn't have many side affects from my treatments... and not bad enough that they prevented me from continuing with my normal lifestyle (other than when I was dx'd I did go on LTD so I wasn't going to work Mon-Fri... my job was to look after my health and part of that plan was to be doing all the things I enjoyed doing ). I did get neuropathy from the FOLFOX that never did go away, and the Oxy did some pretty severe nerve damage in both legs from the knees down. But I never have associated the neuropathy and nerve damage as having been caused by the cancer.... it was caused by the drugs used to fight the cancer. If anything, I blamed it on the fact I did have arthritis before being dx'd so having to have these strong toxins (FOLFOX), only aggravated the already existing arthritis condition.

Now, this first treatment of Irinotecan... I must admit, did open my eyes to how severe chemo side affects can be. I know, or have always felt, that I have a pretty darn strong constitution and other than the arthritis, am considered to be as healthy as a horse (assuming horses are healthy?). So if I was being affected so severely, then I can't imagine how someone who might be frailer than me, or not have a strong constitution... how they can possibly go through this, treatment after treatment. Until I had this reaction myself, to be totally honest, I really had no idea just how severe side affects can be for some people. And it's amazing that I had such a severe reaction, whereas others have said that the same chemo does not affect them that way at all.... maybe some fatigue, a day or two of feeling queasy, and that's about it.

So... I blame everything on the chemo or side-affect meds, my existing arthritis or age I can pretty much justify the cause for anything that slows me down and none of it is because of cancer. I'm also a firm believer in, if you aren't feeling well, then there's got to be a med, either pharmaceutical or a natural alternative to minimize the pain/discomfort of a side affect... and I'm no martyr. I'll take it

Now, to make this post that much longer ... I do believe "mind over matter" plays a big role. When first dx'd, of course you are going to think about cancer, non-stop and with everything you do, whether in the present or making plans for the future. It's a HUGE thing to adapt to and fit into your life that you didn't have to before. You do have to get used to the fact you have been diagnosed with a disease that is not only going to affect yourself personally, but those around you. You are going to be getting really involved with the medical industry, in a way you may never have had to before. Your waking hours will be non-stop thinking "I have cancer". But there should come a turning point... once you have met your medical team and, very important, can trust and respect those who are on your team. I call this period the time where you are building a new drawer or compartment in your mind for this new aspect of your life. Once you know what your plan is going to be and what is expected of you and what you can expect from your medical team ... then is the time to compartmentalize your cancer treatment plan into the new compartment or drawer in your mind, only to pull it out when needed to make decisions. All the other drawers/compartments in your mind are where you have organized everything else -- family, friends, hobbies, chores, likes, dislikes, etc.... time to bring them back out to the forefront. That does not mean you are treating your cancer/condition/treatments lightly.... you have a brand new compartment for them, that you can pull out on an "as needed" basis ... but then, close that drawer and open other drawers in your life. It is way more healthy to have a lot of drawers that you can open and close, than just living out of one drawer.

I certainly don't know if this way of doing things is the be all and end all for everyone... just that it works for me. People are always commenting on "You are so brave... to go through what you are going through and still be able to smile and come out to support local theatre, especially youth and the arts... how do you do it???" Well, if it comes across that I'm having a wonderful time with my friends, or with my theatre activities.... it's because the cancer drawer is shut. Nothing hanging out of it. But I have my theatre and friends drawers wide open with lots spilling out (have to tidy that up and close the drawers if I'm going to go open up another drawer). When someone says they can't be so positive with this whole cancer thing hanging over their head, then to me it sounds like either they haven't compartmentalized, hence don't have a drawer for cancer that they can shut and open up a drawer that is full of things they love.... or they have tried to compartmentalize, but have not given themselves the permission to shut a drawer completely. You don't want things falling out of the cancer drawer and landing in your hobby drawer, or your friends' drawer. That can make a heck of a mess... and you never will feel relaxed and just dealing with stuff from a positive drawer. It's really a visualization exercise that takes practice... but if it works to give you more hours/days where cancer is not taking over your life... then there's got to be something to it, no?

Cheryl